What exactly is phubbing and how is it ruining your dating life?

Ditch your screen-time side affair

Phubbing - staring directly at your phone instead of into your date's eyes, not only ruins the date you're on but also your chances of a second. Here's how to date distraction-free. 

We all know that when we're on a date, we should think, "Do I like them?". But, let's be real when you're nervous, you can't help the magnetic pull of "But, do they like me?"

So we start acting like amateur detectives on our dates, looking for any evidence of the contrary. And nothing screams “I’m not that into you” more than the act of ‘phubbing.’ You guessed it: the not-so-subtle phone glance can torpedo a date faster than them mentioning their ex. 

Don’t just take my word for it as dating coach; according to Hinge’s new Distraction-Free Dating guide, a staggering 78 per cent of Aussie daters see phubbing as a glaring “not interested” signal. And here's the kicker: Three out of four daters say it interrupts a good conversation, making them even more afraid to open up. 

Let's address the actual elephant in the room: the phone on the table. Because, let’s face it, we’re all guilty, aren’t we? A quick glance here, a sneaky notification check there. If we’re being honest, we’ve all been that person who is more focused on their device than on the living, breathing human in front of them. On a date or socially. And the stats back it up. +

According to the report, one in every three Hinge daters admit to being easily distracted. And oh boy, Gen Z? They are even less present than millennials.

We "phub" for all sorts of reasons. Maybe you're waiting for a crucial work email, nerves have you seeking refuge in your phone, or you’re just plain addicted to your phone. But when the tables are turned, do we extend the same grace to the other person? Not at all. 

We personalise being "phubbed," and it destroys our confidence. Image: Getty

We automatically assume that not only are we the human equivalent of watching paint dry, but we are also doomed to a lifetime of solo Netflix binges. And totally unlovable. Rather than a full-blown existential crisis, let us collectively decide to champion the “phones away” date, shall we?

Most Hinge users are already on board, with over 80 per cent claiming it paves the way to deeper connections (and, let’s face it, eliminates the urge to digitally escape). Are you feeling unsure (or anxious) about navigating this tech-free date terrain?

We spoke with Logan Ury, Hinge’s director of relationship science, for some foolproof tips on how to keep the phone at bay so genuine connections can flourish. 

Constant phone interruptions keeps the conversation very surface level. Image: Hinge

The compulsion to check our phones on dates

We can’t get to the how without first understanding why. Let's face it, our gadgets are now essentially extensions of ourselves. “They’re where we go for comfort, connection, and distraction…. They’re often in our hands (or strapped to our wrists!),” Ury says.

After all, we essentially keep them at the ready at the faintest hint of a conversational pause.  But they can quickly turn from a comforting sidekick to a tempting villain, especially when there is a pause in the conversation and a quick glance at the screen seems like the perfect antidote to silence. 

Despite these temptations, Ury suggests that you give your phone a break. “Leave your phone hidden and on silent during your date,” she recommends. Why? Because magic happens when you are genuinely present. It sets the stage for a deeper connection because “being present will help both of you get to know each other and form the bond necessary to get to the second date.”

Being truly present helps you to truly get to know each other. Image: Getty

How phubbing affects forming a connection

Phubbing is more than a mid-story buzzkill. It ensures your date conversation will remain as shallow as a kiddie pool. Ury says, “Distracted and surface-level dates can feel draining and even increase experiences of loneliness and isolation afterwards.” 

Since 78 per cent of Hinge daters believe that a date who is hooked on their phone isn’t really into them, it’s not exactly the vibe you want to give off if you're hoping for a round two, right? Ury emphasizes that “you may not land a second date.” 

If you ditch your phone, you can better pave the way for “those memorable first-date conversations that propel you onto future dates, and eventually into a relationship.” 

78 per cent of Hinge daters believe a date lost in their phone isn’t into them. Image: Getty

How to move them away from phubbing, tactfully

If your date seems to have forged a deep, unbreakable bond with their phone screen, Ury advises a playful suggestion for dealing with it (rather than succumbing to frustration or resentment).

Consider leading in, flashing a cheeky grin, and throwing down a friendly challenge. Ury suggests saying something like, "I've been trying to cut down on my screen time recently, and I’ve really enjoyed it. Want to see who can resist the temptation the longest? Whoever grabs their phone first buys the next round. Deal?”

This way, not only do you address the elephant in the room, but you also add a zest of competition and fun to your date. It's a win-win!

Whoever grabs their phone first buys the next round. Deal?” Image: Getty

How to snub your own 'phubbing' habit

If you're a serial screen timer, you're not alone, and Ury offers some pointers to help you master phone etiquette on a date. First off, “leave your wearable tech, such as your Apple Watch, at home or turn off your notifications,” she advises. The goal is to eliminate any temptation to look at any screen for the duration of the date. 

Next, “Put your phone on silent and keep it out of sight,” Ury continues. Your phone needs to play a silent but supportive role.

We live in a digital world, so Ury suggests that when whipping out your phone to scan a QR code menu or use Apple Pay, “do it quickly and then put your phone away again.” You've got more interesting things to focus on, right?

Do you have post-date plans? Great! But Ury advises getting all the logistics in order before the date “so you’re not multitasking during the date.” Your date deserves undivided attention, not a rundown of your impending plans. 

Lastly, resist the urge to share that meme mid-date. Ury suggests instead to “use this as a way to connect with them later.” Save it for that flirty follow-up message.

Don't waste your precious IRL time sharing memes. Text it them later! Image: Getty

What date ideas limit phone use

Going phone-free doesn’t mean your safety goes out the window. First and foremost, a disclaimer. Ury emphasises that staying safe on a date is always the goal and advises to "always meet in a populated, public place for the first few times" and always let your squad know your whereabouts.

Ury suggests that if you want to curate dates where your phone doesn’t serve as the third wheel, the key is to incorporate “a fun element to them to keep the conversation going.” Ury recommends donning a chef’s hat and taking a cooking class together, complete with “exaggerated tasting notes at every opportunity.” 

Hit a comedy show and then possibly drinks: “Create alternative punchlines to the jokes after the show.” Finally, how about a bowling session with a twist? “Go “other-hand” bowling and see if either of you are naturally gifted with the other hand,” Ury advises. Revel in the hilarious, maybe even surprising outcomes. A perfect opportunity for playful bets, don't you think?

Sera Bozza is a dating coach and the founder of Sideswiped, offering dating coaching to help you stay upright in the world of left and right swipes. You can learn more about her here.

Originally published as What exactly is phubbing and how is it ruining your dating life?