Nikki Osborne: Dump your morals, get on OnlyFans

OnlyFans may have a stigma attached but there is actually a very good reason to join.

Columnist Nikki Osborne

If you don’t know what OnlyFans is, DO NOT go home and google it on your partner’s laptop. It’s social media that runs on a subscriber basis.

It was intended to enable people to monetise their following but as it’s turned out it’s become a rather lucrative industry for scantily clad women. And they are making a fortune.

And I’ve realised, you know what the one thing standing between me and success is?! Morals. Morals are so STUPID.

Here I am slogging it out on the comedy circuit, meanwhile there’s girls sailing around on superyachts funded by taco shots.

And we take the piss out of them, yet who really gets the last laugh?!

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I mean, I love your laughs but they don’t come with a dive board and a mimosa now do they?

I saw an OnlyFans chick driving around the Gold Coast in a Bugatti! Number plate: Pussy wagon.

I can take the high moral ground but I’ll be taking it in a Yaris.

As a result, now when I see scantily clad women on Instagram, I lose respect for them, because what they should be doing is posting on OnlyFans and getting minted. Right?

Britney Spears from one of her Instagram posts.

Look at Britney Spears, in every second post on Instagram she’s naked and everyone thinks she’s crazy, whereas I just find her fiscally irresponsible. She’s got a $25m book deal but, Britney, put your photos on OnlyFans and you’ll make $25m in a day.

Now, yes, I am poking fun but this is where our current moral compass sits and you can imagine the conundrum our young people are facing when they see the huge benefits if they can just relax their morals a little.

Women in control of their own bodies and financial destiny? That’s a good thing right? Or have we reached the point where girl power is regression?

Another girl power movement that has some problematic ramifications is the “work equality” movement.

Woah, I hear you say. Hear me out. Absolutely yes, women should get equal pay. Absolutely yes, women should get the same opportunities and yes, we should be financially contributing at home.

Until babies. This is where this movement completely falls on its face and has us in an invidious position because when it comes to having babies, our bodies aren’t equal. I have so many professional girlfriends who are what one calls “boss bitches” and their business acumen is unrivalled.

However, when the babies come there’s heartbreak and drama. Their husbands expect them to be back at work within six weeks and the mortgage depends on it. However, we are designed to stay with our babies.

Our hormones scream at us to become a human cocoon for this little person. We also become a human milk truck. Then to fight every instinct in our bodies to return to work quickly to keep “kicking arse”, to me, doesn’t feel empowering. But this is what we wanted, right?

Nikki Osborne

A lot of progressive countries have ironed out these issues with one year’s paid maternity leave, however, Australia still has some ironing to do. We need a year. We need our workplace and partners to know this too. Next thing you know I’ll be expected to take the bins out.

And finally, Botox. I’m happy for people to do whatever they like to feel better about themselves but I feel like Botox is the new “braces” of our 40s. In your teens, if your teeth are a bit crooked, you go, it’s fine, just get braces.

And now, Botox has become so mainstream that if you don’t get it people look at you like you’re doing something wrong. It’s expected that for your 40th birthday, you go and get triple jabbed.

Most of my friends do it and it always comes up that I’m “overdue”. We have a laugh about my “rogue” face that “moves” but deep down I have a little sigh that says “How have we come to this?”

What do you think? Is female empowerment going so far it’s becoming regression? Or are we in a good place?

Originally published as Nikki Osborne: Dump your morals, get on OnlyFans