Not happy? This expert thinks you might need a new definition for happiness
Happiness drives everything we do, so why do so much of us live our lives unable to find it? This expert has the answer on how we need to change our approach.
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We all want to be happy: this man, you, me and everyone we know. Happiness is the single most important goal in a human being’s life.
It drives everything you do. Every goal you set. Every decision you make. Every action you take. They all ladder up to it, seeking a way to make you happier, whether it’s in the short or the long term:
• The breakfast you picked up this morning
• The job you’re interviewing for
• The exercise program you’re starting
• The person you’re dating
• Your weekend plans
• Your career aspirations
• Your big life goals
They all promise happiness in some form or another. It’s like we’re being guided by a compass inside us, one that is always pointed towards our version of true north – happiness.
In one study across 47 nations, students ranked happiness as “extraordinarily important”, the single most important goal in their life.
In our brains, circuits help us pursue what we think will make us happy. When we want something, our brain kicks off a motivational process that compels us to set out and pursue it. When we get that thing, we experience a surge of positive, pleasurable feelings. Over time, this process teaches us that certain things reliably will make us feel good, thus inspiring us to want to pursue them again.
People show up in therapy and say,
“I just want to be happy”. Parents describe their dearest hope for their children as,
“I want them to be happy”. We say it to ourselves when we’re trying to make a decision: “What choice will make me happy?”
This validates what William James, the father of American psychology, wrote back in 1902: “How to gain, how to keep, how to recover happiness is in fact for most men at all times the secret motive for all they do.”
Up until now, your happiness compass has probably been invisible to you. If you take a step back from your daily behaviours and choices, though, you can start to notice it. The best way to do it is to get in touch with your inner toddler and ask yourself, “Why did I make that decision?”
Eventually, if you ask “Why?” enough times, you will hit the deepest, driving desire: happiness. As the French philosopher and mathematician Blaise Pascal said: “All men seek happiness. This is without exception. Whatever different means they employ, they all tend to this end. The cause of some going to war and of others avoiding it, is the same desire in both, attended with different views.”
Yet despite happiness being our most important goal, so many of us are unhappy.
If the pursuit of happiness drives every single thing that we do, why are we so miserable?
YOUR DEFINITION OF HAPPINESS
Our definition is so important because happiness is a fuzzy, vague concept. We all know what it feels like, but it’s not something we can point to, like a chair or a flower or a snail. Philosophers and scientists have been squabbling over what happiness is for thousands of years, proposing hundreds of different definitions.
When you look up happiness in the dictionary, the word is defined as “a state of wellbeing and contentment”. Not helpful. If happiness drives everything we do, we need to have an idea of what will lead to this state.
In the absence of a clear definition, we look to the world to tell us what happiness is. This definition gets documented in
our own personal dictionary of beliefs:
This will make me happy.
From there, this definition guides all of the decisions that you make and the actions that you take in your lifelong pursuit of happiness.
The world has told us that happiness comes from:
• Being perfect, or as close to it as possible
• Making more and more money
• Acquiring more and more stuff
• Conforming to the prescribed path
• Working harder and harder (and never resting or slowing down)
• Gaining fame, popularity and acclaim
• Competing against other people (and winning)
This is Old Happy – our society’s broken definition of happiness that is, in fact, the very source of our deep unhappiness.
As it turns out, none of these things make us happy. Studies show that perfectionism is a leading cause of depression and anxiety. The more you value getting lots of stuff, the more your wellbeing decreases. Overworking significantly harms your physical and mental health. Denying who you really
are and what matters to you leads to ill-being. The pursuit of goals like fame and fortune often prevents you from fulfilling your true psychological needs of authenticity and connection. Viewing
life as a competition increases stress
and loneliness.
In a recent podcast interview, Shaquille O’Neal – one of the most recognisable figures in sports and culture, whose long list of accomplishments includes multiple National Basketball Association (NBA) most valuable player (MVP) honours and four NBA championships – described an extreme manifestation of Old Happy:
“I live in a 30,000-square-foot house
by myself. You don’t think I know I
messed up?”
We build our lives around the pursuit of Old Happy. We push ourselves harder and harder to achieve it. We craft a culture that encourages, incentivises and forces it. And, tragically, many of us die having never really been happy, sold a false bill of goods but holding out hope until the end that somehow, we’ll “get there”.
However, we can change our definition before it’s too late.
LASTING HAPPINESS IS POSSIBLE
For the past 10 years, one question has consumed me: What is a better definition of happiness?
As I read thousands of academic studies and hundreds of books by philosophers and theologians and artists and leaders, I traced two threads that appeared again and again: you need to be yourself, and you need to give of yourself. I discovered that same message, written in different words by different people. For example, Mary Shelley, the author of Frankenstein, wrote, “There is but one solution to the intricate riddle of life, to improve ourselves and contribute to the happiness of others”. In every tradition and discipline, people were describing it. Marie Curie, winner of two Nobel prizes, wrote, “Each of us must
work for his own improvement, and at the same time share a general responsibility
for all humanity, our particular duty being to aid those to whom we think we can be most useful”.
Our most beloved leaders and cherished icons championed it, as when Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Those who are not looking for happiness are the most likely to find it, because those who are searching forget that the surest way to be happy is to seek happiness for others.”
I traced these threads through the science, too. Studies show that using your unique strengths makes you feel happier, helps you grow and offers a venue for self-expression.
People who are connected to others
live longer, happier lives. Integrating the two leads to a sense of meaning and purpose, makes an impact on the world and provides you with the feeling that your life matters.
Here was the answer to my question: to be happy, discover who you are and share yourself in ways that help other people. This is the path to happiness, and I call it New Happy.
In some ways, it’s not really new. Many years ago people like Aristotle and the Buddha were advocating for something similar. However, not only were their ideas hard enough to apply at the time, but our world has changed dramatically since then.
They also didn’t have access to what we have: the wonders of modern science, which have helped us confirm many of their insights but also take them much, much further.
The New Happy philosophy has been shaped by their wisdom but is grounded in modern research and expanded to address our real-life needs.
Contrary to what we’ve been taught, happiness isn’t something that you have to acquire, or wait for, or please someone else to receive. It’s something that’s possible for you, too. You can have moments of joy, that build to days of fulfilment, that make a life that leaves people better off because you existed. When you change your definition of happiness, everything else changes, too.
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