Dr Chris Brown: ‘Stand by for the next crisis to sweep the country’

“As we take our first tentative steps out of lockdown, I’m bracing for the most frightening epidemic yet,” writes television host and veterinarian Dr Chris Brown.

Stand by for the next crisis to sweep the country. Because as we take our first tentative steps out of lockdown, I’m bracing for the most frightening epidemic yet: a flawed rollout of poorly executed and out-of-practice small talk.

Experts predict that bad banter and uncomfortably long pauses will run rampant through those social events you’ve not-so-secretly enjoyed avoiding.

And with restrictions easing and therefore excuses evaporating, you’ll have no option but to attend these festering breeding grounds of intolerable interactions.

“We’ve had nothing to talk about apart from the ‘C’ word” (Picture: Pal Hansen)

Why am I so worried? Well, why wouldn’t I be? Over the past 18 months, we’ve had nothing to talk about apart from the big “C” word – Covid – and no-one to talk about it with apart from our little Cs: our children and our canines. We’re out of practice and hopelessly under-prepared.

And already the warning bells are ringing. Just a few weeks ago, a group of Sydney hairdressers made an impassioned plea for their returning clientele to “please avoid talking about Covid” to ensure the stylists’ sanity was maintained.

Just think about that. These are people who have not only pretended to be interested in us recounting the story of our best friend’s second cousin’s break-up, but have done so while armed with a variety of sharp implements.

Seriously, if the profession with the most skilled and patient small-talk participants on the planet is worried about the quality of our conversations, then this surely is a crisis.

So if we can’t mention the big C, where can we take these conversations?

Well, obviously don’t rush in without warming up first. Launch into something heavy like money or politics and you run the risk of pulling a verbal hamstring.

Perhaps begin with travel. That’s solid conversation material. Just ask where they’re looking forward to holidaying in 2022.

Europe… Bali… Hawaii? Then move on to the more exotic stuff. Do they know anyone who has ever been to Western Australia? What’s it like there? Is the food any good?

Dr Chris Brown features in this Sunday’s Stellar.

But be warned. Just when you think the chat is flowing again, there’s a catch. In countries that have already opened up to social events, psychologists are genuinely reporting a spike in “social hangovers”.

Hangovers brought on not by draining that outdoor picnic’s esky of all its Midori Illusions, but rather by people’s brains becoming fatigued from processing all the new words and facial expressions they haven’t experienced in 18 months.

So for your own safety, you need an exit plan from any conversation... before your brain exits for you. I personally find that asking if they could help you link your myGov account to the Medicare app kills most conversations instantly.

Or you can take the lead of some state politicians and explain that you need to step away from the group to allow an investigation to take place... but that you definitely didn’t use the C word at the hairdressers.

Dr Chris Brown is a veterinarian and television host.

Originally published as Dr Chris Brown: ‘Stand by for the next crisis to sweep the country’