Relationship Rehab: ‘Really jealous’ married woman’s problem with single friend

The woman is “unhappily married”, but has decided to lash out in a way that’s left her good friend – who is also single – baffled.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a woman with a jealous married friend.

Question: I don’t know what to do about my friend who seems to be really jealous of me. She’s unhappily married with a deadbeat husband and two little kids, while I’m happily single and thriving. We message a lot and meet up when we can but lately, she’s been really snide to me. If I mention a great date I’ve been on or a pay rise at work, instead of showing interest she puts me down. She says I need to “settle down” but she settled down and it doesn’t look like any fun! I love my friend but I’m finding myself avoiding her. Is there any way to guide her away from this nasty way of thinking?

Answer: It certainly sounds like your friend is unhappy with her own life at the moment and that is making her challenging to be around. It can be difficult to maintain friendships when your lives take different turns and when one person is unhappy within themselves. Unfortunately, it looks like you’re experiencing both in this friendship.

Call your friend out

Your friend is making her comments unconsciously, as a way of making herself feel better about her own situation. She’s probably too caught up in her own pain right now to realise the impact that her comments are having on you and your friendship.

I’d like to think there’s a subtle way that you can guide her away from her current thinking, but you’re probably going to need to call her out on it.

Calling her out doesn’t have to be harsh or critical. There are two steps to letting someone know how we feel that increases our chances of being heard.

1. Share what happened

2. Tell her how you felt as a result

Here’s what it sounds like: When you made (x comment / didn’t ask me about my pay rise /latest date), I felt hurt, because I want to be able to celebrate the things that are important to me with you.

Don’t say ‘You made me feel X’, because that’s likely to get a negative response. That’s subtly blaming her and is likely to get a response of her being defensive or doubling down.

Sexologist and news.com.au columnist Isiah McKimmie. Picture: Supplied.

Show concern and compassion

It’s worth asking your friend about her own situation and letting her know that you’re concerned. This might also help her feel like you care about her and aren’t forgetting her while you’re out enjoying your life.

Don’t say: It seems like you’re jealous/not happy right now.

Do show curiosity and concern.

Here’s what it sounds like: I’ve been worried about you lately. You don’t seem like your old self. Is there anything going on that you want to talk about? Is there anything I can do to support you right now?”

Set a boundary with her

Your friend telling you that ‘you need to settle down’ is crossing a boundary. You don’t have to hear anyone tell you what to do with your life.

Firmly set a boundary that you’re not open to hearing this.

It might sound like: I hear that you’re concerned for me and want the best for me, but it’s my life and I have to make the choices that feel right for me. I need you to stop telling me what I need to do with my life.

If you’re dealing with a jealous friend it might be helpful to take some apart. Picture: iStock.

Take some time away

You love your friend and still want to spend time with her. However, if talking to her about what’s happening between you doesn’t cause a change in her behaviour, the best thing you can do may be to take some time apart.

You deserve to have people celebrate when you share good news. You can protect yourself by being discerning about who you share news with.

Reducing your contact with her a little can preserve the friendship, by making sure neither of you say something that will be more damaging. It might also help her realise what her actions are doing.

I’m not suggesting you cut her off, but make yourself less available to her and share less about what’s happening for you. Hopefully in time, she’ll realise that she needs to treat her friends better if she wants to keep them in her life.

In the meantime, focus on cultivating friendships with people who support and celebrate you.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

Originally published as Relationship Rehab: ‘Really jealous’ married woman’s problem with single friend