Relationship Rehab: ‘My wife-to-be won’t let me text other women’

A groom-to-be has opened up about his fiancee’s request ahead of their wedding - and she’s made a wild claim about what he can’t do.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a man whose wife-to-be has banned him from talking to other women.

QUESTION: I’m soon to be married and can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with the woman I love. The only problem is that I find her jealousy hard to manage.

She has been in some bad relationships and says she has no trust in men. She looked through my phone the other night and picked out all the women she wants me to stop talking to once we’re married. It’s absurd!

Her claim is that married men can’t have female friends. She even said that I need to message them to say I won’t talk to them anymore! I love her but this seems so extreme. What can I do?

A bride-to-be has asked her fiance not to text other women, but is it an unreasonable request? Picture: iStock.

ANSWER: I imagine it feels like you’re caught between a rock and a hard place at the moment. You’re being asked to give up female friends or risk upsetting the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Relationships are a balance of ‘us’ and ‘me’

In relationships, and in therapy, we have to deal with a delicate balance of what is ‘me’ and what is ‘us’. We have to look at both the individual and the interactions between two people.

We all come into relationships with a history that impacts us. Your fiancee’s past relationships are influencing her reactions, expectations and triggers. While it’s often called ‘baggage’, I tend to call it ‘wounds’ or ‘sensitivities’. We all have these. They’re not right or wrong.

Two people create a relationship together. And it’s often how those two people fit together, that determines the challenges they face.

In therapy, our ideal is always to frame issues as a ‘couple problem’, not as one person’s fault. Usually there is a way that each person in the relationship is contributing to the problem – and we get better results when we work on solutions as a team.

While I hear that past relationships are impacting your partner, I’m also incredibly curious about what else is going on in your current relationship that might be triggering your partner.

A wife-to-be has banned her soon-to-be husband from texting other women once they get married. Picture: iStock

Control comes out of fear

When we’re afraid, we look for ways to gain control. Your partner trying to control who you can talk to is a result of fear and insecurity.

Jealousy is another indicator of insecurity. Insecurity in ourselves and insecurity in a relationship tend to go together.

It sounds like some of your partner’s insecurity comes from her past, but again I’m wondering if there’s anything happening in the current relationship that might be contributing. It can be as simple as different communication styles, different expectations about time spent together or maybe it has to with your relationship with the other women.

Loving relationship can heal past hurts

Loving, emotionally safe relationships can help us become more secure – within ourselves and in a relationship.

Building emotional safety in a relationship requires showing empathy, commitment, vulnerability and good communication – which I know is sometimes easier said than done.

But by helping to create an emotionally safe relationship, you can help your partner heal from her past hurts and overcome her lack of trust – making the relationship easier for both of you.

Being open and loving each other can provide a sense of security. Picture: iStock

Connection brings flexibility

Remember that control comes from insecurity. By building security with your partner, you can both become more flexible.

As you increase feelings of connection and emotional safety in a relationship, your partner will likely let go of her control.

Find compromise through understanding

You might feel like you’re starting so far apart on this issue, you’re not sure how you can ever find an outcome that feels good to both of you.

Rather than just deciding whether a married man having female friends is right or wrong, aim to increase your understanding of each other and build connection.

With improved communication, understanding and flexibility, you can reach outcomes together that you didn’t imagine at the beginning.

Some useful questions to ask each other are:

Tell me what about this is so upsetting or challenging for you?

Are there any parts of this that you are willing to be flexible on?

Is there a fear or disaster scenario in this?

What are our common goals?

How can we reach a temporary compromise?

The compromise you find doesn’t need to be a rigid boundary forever. As you both change and the relationship changes, you may find the flexibility to move into a different solution.

If you continue to struggle with jealousy or being able to talk about the issue together, reach out to a couples therapist, as we can help you navigate this.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

Originally published as Relationship Rehab: ‘My wife-to-be won’t let me text other women’