Relationship Rehab: Couple’s drastic move despite ‘good sex’

Despite their great love life, a married couple agree their relationship feels “stale” – but is the wife’s bold bedroom idea too much?

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a couple considering opening their relationship up.

Question: I’ve been with my wife for 12 years and we’re really happy together. We have a good sex life and rarely row. However, we both agree that our relationship can feel a bit stale – between work and boring domestic life, we have forgotten how to have fun together. She suggested we have an open relationship and see other people but I’m not sure. How would that even work? I like the idea of seeing other women but I don’t know how I’d feel about her seeing other men. I know we’d need to establish rules but I don’t even know where to start.

Answer: Wow. Going from feeling like your relationship is a bit stale to opening your relationship up to seeing other people seems like a big leap.

I’m not opposed to open relationships – I’ve seen a few people do them really well. But I’ve also supported a lot of couples in therapy who thought opening up their relationship would be a straightforward way to improve it and were totally unprepared for the consequences.

Having an open relationship isn’t going to solve all your relationship problems and it requires more consideration than most people realise.

Sexologist and couple's therapist Isiah McKimmie. Picture: Supplied.

Strengthen your current relationship first

I suggest starting by looking at your current relationship and what you can do to improve that first. Relationships can become stuck in a rut if you’re not giving them enough attention.

Having fun and playfulness in your relationship are important for bonding and desire. But for many couples this gets lost as they juggle obligations, responsibilities and daily routine.

In my experience, most couples who are feeling ‘stuck in a rut’ are also experiencing what experts call ‘emotional disengagement’. Emotionally disengaged couples can still love each other, but also feel lonely in a relationship.

They’ve often stopped sharing important details with each other and feel a sense of disconnection and separateness in their relationship. This can be overcome.

You’ve taken an important first step by acknowledging where you’re at and having a conversation together, but there’s more you can do.

How to help your relationship feel more alive

Have new conversations with each other

Keeping a relationship thriving requires that you continually get to know each other’s inner worlds. Often in a long-term relationship, you’ve stopping having conversations that you used to.

Bring a sense of playfulness back into your everyday lives

Break your routine a little. Find ways to be playful with each other in everyday tasks.

Make date night fun

Date night is a great opportunity to create fun. Do something new and different together. Take a class. Try a new restaurant.

Try new things in the bedroom

There are many ways to bring variety to your bedroom including trying a sex toy or trying new sexual positions.

If you do eventually decide to explore opening up your relationship:

Couple cuddling in the bedroom

Do your research

There are different ways that you can open up your relationship, including swinging or polyamory.

You’ll find plenty of online articles sharing the benefits and challenges of open relationships and the boundaries that are important. You can also find books and podcasts to support you.

Talk to people in the lifestyle

There are many other couples who’ve already made the decision you’re considering. You’ll find clubs and online forums where many are willing to share their advice and experiences.

Communicate (a lot)

You and your wife will need excellent communication to navigate an open relationship well. You’ll need to discuss your rules, boundaries and emotions and make important decisions together. Your needs and boundaries can change as you navigate this. Make sure you keep communication open.

Take it slowly

The biggest mistake I see couples making in open relationships is rushing into it too fast. They agree with the philosophy, want to spice things up or want to keep their partner happy, but are generally unprepared for the reality.

You will experience challenging emotions like hurt and jealousy.

You and your wife need to be prepared for how you’ll deal with this when one of you does. A poor reaction, like saying ‘well you agreed to this’ only adds to feelings of hurt and betrayal.

This is a big decision. Make sure your marriage is strong enough to handle it before you dive in. If or when you do, take things slowly and keep communication open between you.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

Originally published as Relationship Rehab: Couple’s drastic move despite ‘good sex’