My grandkid was sent home from a birthday party - the fallout at school was worse

"One of the girls said to her the next week, 'I like you but my mother hates you' - what do I do here?" Kidspot's Jordana answers this reader's Advice Needed question.

ADVICE NEEDED

My nine-year-old granddaughter went to a birthday party not long ago and was sent home because of her behaviour, which is ok, but she did put on a performance as she was embarrassed by being sent home.

I thought it was all in the past, but then on the Monday following the party the mother approached the teacher at school to let her know she didn't want her child to play or talk to my granddaughter which is so disgusting and has apparently encouraged other parents to do the same.

One of the girls even said to my granddaughter, 'I like you but my mother hates you'. I think parents should keep out of children's lives and that singling children out is teaching your children to bully and needs to stop... do others agree?

What do I do here?

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Jordana’s Advice 

First and foremost, bullying of any kind, whether it’s children on the playground or the school mums, is unacceptable.

When your granddaughter was sent home from the party, you accepted that this happened, and it should have ended there. What happened once your granddaughter got home, isn’t the concern of the mother who threw the party. It’s not up to the other mum to continue the crusade.   

The pile on that your granddaughter has experienced since the party is so heartbreaking. They are so young and this alienation has a real impact on their future. The school should have responded that parents shouldn’t enmesh themselves in playground politics, given this encourages other children to do the same.

Given how it’s disseminated into the wider parent group, it might be a good idea to get the party girl and your granddaughter's parents in a room together, moderated by the school. Hopefully the school would then agree to monitor the girls' behaviours going forward. The school should also reinforce to the year group that it’s important to be kind to one another and to give people a second chance. It’s unfair to castout a child, based on their behaviour at a birthday party - fuelled by sugar and a lot of excitement.

Not wanting to shame the parents involved, but sometimes helicopter parenting can backfire! Instead of allowing the children to navigate their issues, the mothers have inserted their feelings and dictated their daughters’ social group. As parents, we teach our children not to single anyone out, not to bully, not to follow others blindly and get entangled with other people's issues. In the future, this mother, and the others that followed, will find it hard to get their girls to heed this, given their exclusion tactics towards a nine-year-old girl. 

Source: iStock

RELATED: I turned away a child from my kid’s party

And resilience is key

This won’t be the last clique-saga your granddaughter has to experience, but you can set her up so that next time has the tools to get through it. 

• Help put rejection in perspective
• Talk about social dynamics
• Find stories they can relate to
• Foster out-of-school interests
• Encourage her to find new friendships
• Get her to stay involved in activities that make her feel good 

Wishing you and your granddaughter all the best! 

Originally published as My grandkid was sent home from a birthday party - the fallout at school was worse