Mums and dads made to feel guilty for being normal

The key to happiness in raising kids is to embrace being a half-arsed parent.

The Secrets to half-arsed Parenting.

Modern parenting has become so absurd and hypocritical that mums and dads feel guilty for doing normal things like giving kids toasted sandwiches for tea and forgetting about Book Week.

Too many unrealistic goals and expectations are thrust on parents today. Parents don’t need more thrusting; it’s how we got into this mess in the first place.

So I wrote a book called The Secret of Half-arsed Parenting, sets out a way of raising kids with less guilt, lower standards and fewer cupcakes baked at midnight.

Susie O'Brien advocates a more laid back approach to parenting. Picture: Nicole Cleary

It’s about being twice as happy by doing half as much and knowing it is still more than enough.

A key part of the half-arsed message involves ignoring missives from self-absorbed celebrities who love to inspire others who are unlucky enough not to be them.

They’re busy climbing the Tinseltown ladder, curating picture-perfect social media feeds and dressing their kids in clothes that match their food.

As a half-arsed mother, the only ladder I climb is the one to get soccer balls off my roof. My social media feed is full of baking fails (Nailed It!) and desperate requests for babysitters. And the only time my kids’ clothes match their food is when they’ve spilled their lunch on their tops.

Here are some other differences between celebrity parents and half-arsed parents.

Celebrity says: I like to rise with the sun – there’s a certain sanity which comes with getting up at first light.

Half-arsed mum says: I don’t like to rise when the alarm goes off at 6am but I have no choice. There’s a certain sanity that comes from wearing earbuds so I can’t hear the kids arguing.

Celebrity says: I walk as much as I can.

Half-arsed mum says: I walk as little as I can. I have been known to drive three blocks from my house to drop the kids at school.

Ignore messages from celebrity parents, you’re too busy to be making cupcakes.

Celebrity says: For brekkie I have wholegrain toast or an eggwhite omelette.

Half-arsed mum says: For brekkie I have Vegemite toast if the kids have left me any bread. I once ordered an eggwhite omelette but it tasted like snot.

Celebrity says: On party-free days, I make sure I am properly nourished, have a run and sleep properly.

Half-arsed mum says: On party-free days, I make sure I am properly nourished thanks to leftover UberEats, and I sleep as late as the kids will let me.

Celebrity says: I am very lucky to have a gym super close by!

Half-arsed mum says: The closest fitness centre we have is full of fat old people doing arm raises in a lukewarm wee-filled toddler pool!

The Secret of Half-arsed Parenting.

Celebrity says: I do a lot of body weight resistance. I also love kettlebell work.

Half-arsed mum says: I do a lot of resisting weight-loss. I also love kettle chips.

Celebrity says: Even time-poor mums can lose weight and tone up with a little bit of planning and preparation.

Half-arsed mum says: Even time-poor mums can lose weight if they cut off a limb or two and tone up by wearing fat-squashing Spanx!

Celebrity says: Another great way to get back into shape is to use your baby as your weights.

Half-arsed mum says: I once tried to exercise using a baby as a dumbbell but the mother complained and I had to give him back.

Celebrity says: You can also do squats while holding your baby or lay him on the floor and do push-ups over the top of him.

Half-arsed mum says: You can also have sleeps while holding your baby, or lay on the floor and do absolutely nothing while your baby lies on top of you.

This is an edited extract from The Secret of Half-arsed Parenting by Susie O’Brien, publisher Murdoch Books. Available February 2, $32.99.

Preorder on Booktopia now.