Susie O’Brien: Parenting approach laid bare by pandemic
Everyone’s worrying about the kids during the coronavirus crisis but it’s tough out there for mums and dads right now and the pandemic is putting all our failures on display, writes Susie O’Brien.
Susie O'Brien
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What kind of pandemic parent are you?
Do you start each week with a warrior mindset determined to spread positive energy through your house?
Maybe you’re a Macca’s mum who’s trying to make sure your kids work their way through all 36 flavours of Frozen Fanta by the end of the holidays?
Or perhaps you’re a go-getter dad with a growth goal who manages to sandwich things you need to do between pro-child activities? (Did someone say sandwich? Sorry, I lost concentration there.)
Parents, this one’s for you. I know you need my help. Everyone’s worrying about the kids, but I am worrying more about mums and dads instead.
Grandparents, read on with the pleasure in the knowledge that ammunition against your
children — who are not doing as good as job as you think they should — is at your fingertips.
SALLY PSYCHOBABBLE
She’s doing her best, she really is. She’s turned to an army of psychological professionals for tips on how to cope with her children being in the house 24 hours a day. She’s using lots of positive words and praising her kids for doing well.
“Sam, you managed to get the Lego out of your brother’s nose without me calling the fire brigade, Well done!” she’ll say.
“Only one trip to emergency this week, Bridie, I think you deserve a star on your chart!”
But it’s not easy. Her psychotherapist told her to look in the mirror to find her emotional centre but all she could find was more wrinkles and a new patch of grey at the roots.
GARY GIVEN UP
The struggle is real. Gaz is sick of adulting. He’s really not coping. “Are alcohol sales under restrictions? Asking for a friend ...” he’s just posted on social media.
It’s Lord of the Flies at his house. The kids have taken over, and are doing UFC moves on the couch, which now
resembles an octagon. Dreams of enriching activities and family walks have long given way to iPpad marathons so long his kids are talking in American accents.
“But I am talking to Jayden,” the kids will scream when he tries to take away the iPad after they’ve spent 17 hours straight playing Among Us.
MELANIE MUMAGER
Even before the lockdown began, this professional parent had a contingency plan ready to go. She won’t enter her own house without a full hazmat hose-down.
Her children spend their days engaged in mindful exercise sessions and enriching activities marshalled by her home tech device which is secretly recording all their movements and giving them to the Russians.
Life is a whirlwind of family meetings, star charts and kids dobbing in other kids
when they breach restriction rules. But don’t be too intimidated. Mad Mel has been too
busy pestering teachers for more work to realise her kids spent the last half hour watching porn on YouTube in the basement.
ROBERT RULEBREAKER
Rob’s calling to find out if your kids can come for a play, in fact, he’s invited all the kids in the street. He’s so desperate for a break that he’d tunnel them in, if need be.
He’s so cool that he lets the kids make forts in the backyard out of bedlinen and use underwear stolen from neighbours’ washing lines as slingshots.
At his place anything goes, and there’s always an emphasis on child-led play. Yes! Let’s have slime wars in the living room!
His house is the ultimate pando party pad. But it can be expensive to hang out with Rager Rob and his mates when police drive by and do number plate check ...
OLIVIA ORGANIC
Thanks to the earth-centring power of crystals, Olivia has been in her element during iso. She’s spent her time at home getting her bespoke vegan cheese business up and running.
She’s been googling how to make organic hand sanitiser and worries more about the chemicals in cleaning products than the virus itself.
Preoccupied by the evils of compulsory vaccination, she hasn’t noticed that her unimmunised kids have been sniffing for weeks and are highly contagious.
See? It’s tough out there for mums and dads right now. With restrictions opening up, the
problem is that our parenting will be on display at the school gate, parks and shops, not in the house where no one can judge us or hear us scream.
The good news is that behind that mask, those shapeless clothes and sunglasses, no one will know who you are.
(Legal disclaimer: These characters bear no resemblance to anyone living or dead, or anyone I might have drunk wine with while on a walk in the last three months.)
Susie O’Brien is a Herald Sun columnist