Seven rules for running a local government that all councils should keep in mind
Thought running a local council was hard work? If you follow these seven simple rules, you’ll be on your way in no time, writes Mitchell Toy.
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Local councils are routinely criticised for being bureaucratic sinkholes in which the left hand doesn’t even know what the left hand is doing.
A more charitable assessment is that they are efficient, silent servants of the public who happen to reap endless riches from parking fines.
Here are seven rules for running a local government that all councils should keep in mind.
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GRAND BUILDING PLANS THAT NEVER HAPPENED
CONSULT AT YOUR PERIL
Just as the Dingley Bypass is named that way because it doesn’t go through Dingley, a consultation process is named that way because it should have as little consultation as possible.
The true aim should be to invite feedback on council plans while giving as little information as possible about the plans themselves.
Be like a whisper of wind on a mountaintop.
Bland flyers on the local library notice board. Small, hidden ads in the local paper. A section on the website hidden so deep it would take James Cameron in a submarine to find it.
Instead of saying “We’re building an ugly, multi-level car park”, say “We’re streamlining vehicle storage.”
Instead of saying “This huge apartment building will cast a shadow over your yard”, say “We’re inviting new, diverse residents to the area.”
By the time shovels are in the ground, nobody will know what’s going on, but your perfectly legit consultation process will be long over.
SPEND EITHER NOTHING OR TOO MUCH
If you’re going to spend ratepayers’ money on infrastructure or services, there should be no gap at all between spending nothing for an extended period and suddenly spending way too much.
Is that toilet block in the park a run-down, disease-spawning hive of drug use and immortality?
Better spend nothing on it for 15 years until residents threaten arson against the council chambers unless something is done.
Then spend $3 million on a minimalist, architect-designed, impractical artistic statement that nobody will use.
Similarly, at Christmas, either spend nothing on decorations and alienate Christian ratepayers, or dump a couple of hundred grand on flimsy tinsel.
REMEMBER IT’S NOT YOUR MONEY
When you need new ideas about waste management or drainage, you could visit other councils in Melbourne or any of the countless others interstate.
But it’s not your money, remember. So go to Zurich.
They might have plenty of ideas for dog parks in NSW, but there’s nothing like springtime in Paris to focus your thoughts on your ratepayers’ needs.
When claiming ludicrous expenses, remember that you’re high profile enough to be elected but low profile enough for nobody to be looking when you rort public funds.
It’s as if a junior football player has been given the sponsorship of an AFL star.
If it’s not your money, naturally you’re not going to miss it when it’s gone.
BUILD A WEBSITE THAT YOU YOURSELF CANNOT NAVIGATE
An ancient myth tells of the prodigal architect Daedalus who built the labyrinth, a vast maze-like structure so complex that even he could barely escape it.
Daedalus went on to forge a successful career as a web development consultant for local councils.
Once you enter a council website, you are either encouraged to quit immediately and abandon the information you were seeking, or delve into the complex, interlinked, confusing and maddening tunnels of government html.
In this world, as the Red Queen from Alice and Wonderland would say, you have to run as fast as you can just to stand still.
CHARGE PEOPLE FOR LIVING
In developing countries it is common for residents to make private payments to local officials for favourable treatment or to speed up bureaucracy.
There it’s called a bribe. In Melbourne it’s known as a council permit.
Want to cut down that tree on land you’ve already paid for? It’ll cost you.
Want to build a new fence exactly the same as the one you took down? Better show us some John Monash or we’re not playing ball.
The trick is to find the friction point at which it’s easier for the resident to pay the permit and forget about it rather than kick up a real stink.
They’ll probably pay for a permit to re-seal their driveway, but they might not cop a bill for mowing their lawn.
That’s not to say lawn mowing permits shouldn’t be considered because there’s probably a neat environmental excuse to charge them for that as well.
LEAD DISSIDENTS ON ENDLESS FORM CHASES
If a resident wants to lodge a complaint, reverse a decision, appeal a fine or otherwise bother the council, make them run on a treadmill that never ends.
The phrase “It’s an easy process” should precede an run-around of printing and completing forms, dealing with several different council staff who each claim somebody else should be handling it, waiting for someone to get back from holiday and explaining the same problem again and again.
It should be easier to shift Flinders St Station two metres to the left than get a council to do something it doesn’t want to do.
BE INEFFICIENT IN EVERYTHING BUT FINE COLLECTION
It should be expected that a council officer will take seven working days to make contact about an urgent query.
If the footpath out the front of your house is cracked and people are routinely tripping over and going to hospital, better put the kettle on because the council might be a while.
But stay one minute longer than you should in a two-hour zone and you’re cooked.
Matched only by the East German secret police and the eye at the top of the tower in Lord of the Rings, it would probably take five years of Olympic-level training to get this efficient at issuing fines.
Of course, if you don’t pay on time, there’s no sympathy.
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