Why ‘having it all’ should never be the end goal

Contrary to popular belief

As writer Mel Wilson shares, juggling the ever-growing demands of parenthood, a hands-on career, and her own sanity felt almost impossible – until she changed the expectation she was trying to measure up to. 

I am Generation Spice Girl. I zig-a-zig-ah-ed my way through the nineties and early noughties with all the girl power Posh, Ginger, Baby, Sporty and Scary taught us to have. 

I was in my twenties and living overseas, and I naively believed that women could have it all: the successful career, the loving and supportive partner, the greeting-card-cute baby balanced on the hip of her spotless power suit as she laughed with her best friend on the enormous mobile tucked under her chin and prepared a healthy dinner with her spare hand. 

Why the hell not? The phrases ‘work-life balance’ and ‘mental load’ weren’t a thing yet. What I would eventually come to realise was that having it all was a myth.

A lot has changed for women since those spicy self-empowerment days. I once ran into Bruce McAvaney in a bar in the Swedish town of Malmö when I was around twenty-five (there’s a sentence I never thought I’d write). We were there to watch Australia play Sweden in the tennis Davis Cup.

Bruce and I were having a conversation about women in media when I asked him why there were no female commentators for men’s sports. He smiled kindly and tried to plan his escape from the ranting Aussie girl with her green and yellow face paint standing on her feminist soapbox. In hindsight, I’m not sure he knew how to respond. 

Twenty years later we not only have countless women reporting on men’s sports, we also have national women’s leagues for Aussie rules and rugby league, while 43 per cent of the population tuned in to watch the Australian women’s football team, the Matildas, play against England in the World Cup semifinal in 2023 – a women’s sporting event became the most-watched TV event in Australian history. Now, that’s girl power.

You can’t be what you can’t see, and now young women could see that they could be whatever they wanted. The problem was that while lots had publicly changed in that time, society hadn’t caught up behind the scenes. 

Studies suggest women still carry the bulk of the household mental load. Image: iStock

Lockdown and working from home gave men a glimpse into the invisible labour involved in running a household and caring for families, but women still shoulder most of it alone. Numerous studies have found that while many heterosexual couples try to split those responsibilities fifty-fifty, the bulk of it still generally falls to the woman. 

I’m talking about organising playdates, booking medical appointments, worrying about how they’re going at school, arranging the costumes for dress-up day, replacing worn-out shoes, making sure they’re eating enough vegetables … And that’s all just for our children. 

We’re constantly worrying, and thinking, and anticipating, and planning, and remembering. All the remembering. It’s stressful and relentless because it doesn’t stop, even when we’re at work. In fact, when we’re at work, it multiplies – we have a million tabs open in our brains and on our computers.

‘Having it all’ was not achievable, but what I had come to realise was that this was totally okay – it shouldn’t be the end goal. Why tie ourselves in knots trying to achieve the unachievable? We don’t get a prize at the end of the day; our families barely say thank you (and if you mention the lack of gratitude then you’re nagging or a martyr).

What’s the point of even trying to do it all? Image: Pexels

So what’s the point of even trying to do it all? You might have it all at different stages throughout your life, but not at the same time. And not without making sacrifices.

My working-mum role model was my own mum, who worked part-time with four kids and made it look pretty damn easy. I think back now and wonder how on earth she got us to and from our afterschool activities (x 4), fed us all (x 6), juggled her job and didn’t lose her mind. 

I’d complain when she was late to pick us up from school or we had to peel potatoes for dinner again, but now that I’m also doing the juggle, I’m impressed that she picked us up at all. 

Working mums are held to incredibly high standards by ourselves, colleagues and society in general. I’ve seen the looks when having to leave work early to pick up a sick or injured child, felt the panic of knowing I have to get to after-school care before it closes while being stuck in a meeting I couldn’t leave, and had the humiliation of breast-pumping in a small room a metre away from my colleagues’ desks, cardboard stuck on the window of the door for ‘privacy’. 

I’ve done live TV crosses from my lounge room only to spot my kids out of the corner of my eye as they crept into the shot mid-interview. I’ve taken a baby to a job interview when the sitter fell through, and I’ve accepted jobs because I know it will make the juggle easier. I’ve cried wondering how on earth I’m going to get through everything I need to do that day and then wondered how on earth everyone else is doing it. 

Remember, ladies, you have to work like you don’t have children! Don’t let anyone down! Make sure everyone is happy! Be grateful! And most of all, don’t complain! The juggle is real.

Parenting in Progress by Mel Wilson

This is an edited extract from Parenting in Progress by Mel Wilson published by HarperCollins Australia. Available 1st May.

Originally published as Why ‘having it all’ should never be the end goal