Too many people dismiss the power of words in getting you from online to offline – including the way you say something to begin with. Dr Alissa Knight unpacks how the language in your profile and texts influences your dating.

Setting up a dating profile is high stakes, and it can feel incredibly daunting to stare down the barrel of a blank bio. So, instead of leaving it blank, we insert: “Fluent in sarcasm,” “spicy marg,” and “pineapple on pizza” without a second thought.

We could all play profile bingo with our eyes closed with the repeated clichés we’ve seen and swiped on. If anything, we think we’re playing it safe because everyone else says it on their profiles, so it must work, right? Wrong. The repetition of these phrases causes everyone else to bang their head against a wall and disconnect rather than want to connect.

So how can you improve your chat on dating apps? We asked clinical psychologist Dr Alissa Knight to unpack the psychology behind our profile language, “icks”, and dive into practical tips for improving your connections and strengthening your text game.

Clichés: the dating secret killer

"A cliché, by definition, is more or less a phrase or a statement that is firstly overused by the vast majority, outdated, boring, and lacking originality," Dr Knight says. Translation? If your profile is a collection of tired phrases, you're coming across as tired and unoriginal.

Dr Knight warns that using clichés risks making you look "insignificantly mundane and quite lazy." In the dating world, where first impressions are everything, failing to put in the effort can make others think you lack allure, have disconnected values, or worse, are sexually unappealing. Ouch. So, why do these common phrases often lead to adverse reactions or the dreaded "ick"?

The source of the language 'ick'

Dr Knight breaks it down: "If the descriptive words about you on your dating profile do not spark curiosity, trust, or interest, you will undoubtedly evoke a perception from others that you are a dull, boring, distrusting, and secretive person in many ways."

In other words, you're coming off as someone who doesn't care about yourself or anyone else.

Dr Knight highlights that such profiles can engender a sense of "you are wasting my time" and suggest an inflated ego that doesn't feel the need to put in effort. Worse, clichés can make others think you’re hiding something or camouflaging red flags with euphemisms.

It's not exactly the vibe you want to send, and I feel a lot of empathy for everyone who thought they were just playing it safe.

Fair or not, perception is reality

Is it fair to judge and be judged harshly based on a few phrases? Dr Knight acknowledges that it’s not entirely fair. However, she explains that we are historically primed to communicate symbolically in Western social networks. This reliance on symbolic communication means that formulaic language on dating profiles can be a “costly choice.”

To avoid being perceived as mundane, effortless, and boring, Dr Knight advises ensuring that your online self matches your offline self. Ditch the clichés and focus on portraying your authentic self.

The power of authenticity

Authenticity in text communication is crucial for dating success and is clearly becoming increasingly rare.

"[It's] the foundation of healthy and fulfilling relationships," says Dr Knight. Being genuine and honest attracts individuals who appreciate and accept you for your true self, fostering trust, emotional connection, and mutual respect.

She also points out that many research studies identify that authenticity in dating behaviour is linked to emotional intelligence and positive relational outcomes.

“Being yourself,” she says, both in person and text, “is associated with secure attachment and low narcissism and facilitates more successful long-term relationships.” Simply put, being yourself is your best bet.

Strengthening your text game

The key is being original. You want your profile and your texts to be stand-alone examples that don't look like or sound like anyone else’s. And think about it: if you’re trying to find your “one,” it’s pretty hard to do it as a camouflaged cliché.

Need help with how to audit your profile or texts for cliches? Start here: If you’ve recently read it in a social media caption, hit backspace and start again.

When it comes to a blank bio, I like the 'personality curveball' formula: list two or three aligned parts of your personality, hobbies, or activities you love engaging with, all aligned to a theme. Then, end the sentence with a funny or unexpected part of your makeup that can’t help but hook them in.

At the end of the day, you want the people swiping on your profile to do so for who you really are, not someone else's hand-me-downs. So dig deep, and give it a crack.