Brat or Demure? Should a persona influence your approach to dating?

An expert lays it all out

Here’s how the two most talked about personas might be influencing how (and who) you date, according to a dating and relationship coach.  

Charli XCX has called it, Brat Summer is officially over, which here in the southern hemisphere I presume translates into our brat winter being over. 

Look, I’m a millennial mum (on the older side of the generation) of two tweens and while I try to keep up with the lingo, it is obvious that I’m not quite dope (my daughters would even say I’m cheugy).

This is why when my social reels started filling up with brat and demure summer posts, memes and even appearing in fashion, while at first completely confused, I later saw it as my duty as both a mum and journalist to look into what exactly this entails.

What exactly are the brat and demure social media trends?

Upon my deep dive, I learnt that ‘brat’ is not a spoilt child and instead traced to Charli XCX’s latest album, brat.

“You are just that girl who is a little messy and maybe says dumb things sometimes, who feels herself but then also maybe has a breakdown but parties through it. It is honest, blunt and a little bit volatile. That’s brat," the pop icon clarified in an interview.

From this, themes of womanhood, relationships, partying and pondering about motherhood were released in the summer (or winter if you live in Australia).

Charli XCX. Image: Instagram/@charli_xcx

Meanwhile, the demure trend was coined by TikTok user and content creator, Jools Lebron, who went viral after sharing a series of videos in which she describes herself as “very demure, very mindful”.

The trend is all about being mindful of others and courteous, as well as restraint and subtlety- which contrasts with living a brat life. Although it can also be used satirically- as per Kim Kardashian’s Instagram post.

While these may be terms to describe personalities or even seasonal phases, brat and demure have gone further than that, right into the heart of the dating world. 

@joolieannie

#fyp #demure

♬ original sound - Jools Lebron

Brat and demure dating?

“I’ve definitely noticed the brat and demure personas making waves across the dating scene, particularly on social media,” says Nicole Colantoni, eharmony’s dating & relationship coach.

These personas can influence a whole range of aspects from who you date, how you date and how you present yourself on the dating scene Colantoni says.

“If you identify with the brat persona, you might approach dating with a playful, laidback attitude, seeking fun, excitement, and great banter over serious discussions about long-term plans. Whereas a demure persona might mean you are more reserved, considered, and selective in your dating choices, prioritising deeper connections over casual encounters.”

When it comes to who you are attracted to – brat or demure – Colantoni says she has noticed an “interesting dynamic where people who identify as brat are sometimes drawn to those with a more demure demeanour, and vice versa.” 

“This attraction could be due to the complementary nature of these personas, where one person’s spontaneity balances the other’s intentionality,” she says.

“However, it’s also possible for 'brat' individuals to be attracted to others with a similar persona, just as those who are demure might gravitate toward each other, due to the natural compatibility of shared values and behaviours.” 

It’s complicated

But as with everything- social media trends included- it’s not always straightforward.

“You can embody both characteristics [ brat and demure] depending on the context,” Colantoni says.

“For instance, you might be more demure in professional settings or your day-to-day life, but when socialising with friends or dating, you could lean into your brat persona, allowing yourself to be more carefree and playful. 

This duality can affect your dating life by making you versatile in terms of both the types of people you’re attracted to and the types of people you attract.”

If you're someone who tends to be more demure in everyday life, try embracing your carefree and playful brat persona when dating. Image: Pexels

Authenticity is always best

Additionally, Colantoni suggests that embodying a persona may not always be the best approach to dating.

“It is important to not get swept up in social media trends that can put you into a box when you are dating," she says. Instead, she adds that focusing on what genuinely matters to you is the best way to find a meaningful connection.

“When you overly identify with a trending persona, like brat or demure, it can overshadow your true self, preventing others from getting to know the real you. This can lead to mismatches, as people connect with the persona rather than the person behind it. Just because you’re embracing a brat summer doesn’t mean you don’t crave a meaningful connection. Likewise, having demure tendencies doesn’t mean you don’t value fun and spontaneity,” she says.

“By not getting swept into social expectations, you can avoid the pitfalls of trendy personas and instead allow yourself to be multifaceted, ensuring that you form connections based on your authentic, whole self.”

Originally published as Brat or Demure? Should a persona influence your approach to dating?