Montague St bridge describes its fear of trucks and ‘jerk’ drivers

IT’S had more hits than Michael Jackson, now the accident-prone Montague St bridge has “spoken” out about the jerk drivers making its life hell.

MORE than 100 trucks have ploughed into it — including two in as many days last week — and “low clearance” signs and new gantries have done little to stem the tide of “jerk drivers” smashing into South Melbourne’s long-suffering Montague St bridge.

In an exclusive interview, the Leader chatted with one of Melbourne’s most battered bridges via its Twitter account, which has more than 3400 followers.

Q: How are you feeling after last week’s traumatic incidents?

A: Every day is traumatic for me, waiting for the ‘big one’, the next Gold Bus driver, the one that will do serious damage to my foundations.

I get laughed at, mocked by people from interstate and overseas.

This is real for me. All too real.

Each strike could be the last for me.

Do you get scared every time you see a truck?

A truck?!? Where!?!?! My nerves are shot. Clearly, I’m scared all the time.

Trucks and buses make the Montague St bridge very scared. Picture: Hamish Blair

Who is to blame for the continual crashes?

Jerk drivers. Ignorant jerk drivers. Smart-arse jerk drivers who think “wouldn’t it be funny if I got stuck under the Montague St Bridge?”

No, it’s not funny. There are consequences.

Jerk drivers put not only themselves in danger, but everyone else around them.

Whether it’s the driver behind, next to you or in front of you, or dozens of people in a 30-tonne tram atop of me, there are people’s lives at stake on and around the roads.

What is the most common time for you to be hit?

Jerk drivers are no vampires but their attention span seems to wane in the afternoon. In this town, if they’re not drinking coffee all day then are they really Melburnian?

Is there any particular type of truck that hits you most often?

There doesn’t seem to be a particular type of truck or large vehicle — I’ve seen most of them come at me. They all have one thing in common, though. They’re all driven by jerks.

Did you think the gantries would stop this problem? Are you disappointed they haven’t worked?

The gantries look great, don’t they!

I’m not disappointed with my mate @MontagueGantry — it’s not their fault.

It’s like people who keep denying the 99 scientists on climate change and believe the one crackpot senator in federal parliament who has been studying climate science from things he’s read on the internet over the last six years, thinking “nah, I’ll make it all on my own”.

You won’t. You’re a jerk.

The alternative fact is, all large vehicles fit under the Montague Street Bridge pic.twitter.com/LxheLfVgOi

— Montague St Bridge (@MontagueStBridg) January 22, 2017

What other solutions do you think would help?

I’m a big advocate for pyro.

My ongoing demand that VicRoads set off fireworks as jerk drivers approach inside their oversized behemoths have gone unanswered.

It’s outrageous! I demand satisfaction!

I would also be happy with a trap door type device on Montague St to swallow large vehicles whole.

Maybe ejector type bollards that shoot large vehicles and their jerk drivers into the sea are another option in the future.

What would you like to say to drivers who hit you?

“Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see!”

Would you like to see drivers that smash into you named and shamed or put on a register?

While I would rather not be in the spotlight, it’s been through my voice on Twitter that there has been action on improving the warning signs and devices in the immediate vicinity.

Having said that, short of having large vehicles with their jerk drivers fall through a trap door on Montague St, there will be jerk drivers who have never heard of me who continue to ignore all the warning signs and flout the laws of physics.

The shame of being a jerk driver who crashed into the Montague Street Bridge should be enough. It’s not something I would like to have on my resume.

You can follow @MontagueStBridg on Twitter for updates.