Tips for parents talking to their teenage children about mental health

Teenagers are navigating a complex world of physical changes, peer pressures and identity formation, and it might be time for parents to change their approach.

Psychologist and Medibank Mental Health Reference Group member Maria Ruberto provides helpful tips for parents speaking to their teenagers about mental health.

DO

Prioritise connection

Talking to teens is not just about a conversation, it is always about connection. Teens are navigating a complex world of physical changes, peer pressures, identity formation and growing awareness of social issues.

What they need most is to feel safe, seen and supported. When you truly listen to your teen and validate their feelings, it fosters trust and helps them feel valued. This connection forms the foundation for any productive conversation you want to have. For example, if they are upset about something that feels completely irrational to you, remember you were once a teenager and most likely would have reacted similarly to them. While it may seem small and insignificant to you, it’s a big deal to them, so treat it that way.

Allow space for options and reflection

Rather than offering ready-made answers, try to ask open-ended questions that encourage reflection (a vital skill). This helps teens build problem-solving and decision-making skills. Even if you think you know the best solution, guide them gently to discover it for themselves. Hold your tongue and breathe.  Give them permission to try (and potentially fail) and come back to you when they need.  

Resilience expert Maria Ruberto is founder and director of Salutegenics Psychology. Picture: Josie Hayden

Praise with purpose

Teenagers can be highly sensitive to judgment and criticism. They’re trying to figure out where they fit and who they are. One powerful way to build confidence and connection is to notice their positive actions in detail. Instead of vague praise like “good job,” say: “I noticed you wiped the toothpaste out of the basin, that keeps it clean, thanks” or “it was nice to hear you being so patient with your little brother, he really looks up to you.” This reinforces what matters and makes values visible.

Keep conversations short and frequent

With a developing frontal cortex, mini conversations with teenagers are better than epic marathons.  There is a lot happening in their lives, so keep the discussion short, simple and optimistic.  Long talks filled with lessons and advice can overwhelm a teen’s developing brain. Less is more. Think quality over quantity – a few thoughtful minutes here and there can often go much further than long lectures. Stay optimistic and consistent, and over time, those small efforts build trust and understanding.

Play the long game

Change takes time, especially during the adolescent years. It might not happen as quickly as you’d like, and it may be months and months before you see some shifts.  Don’t rush the process – patience is key.

DON’T

Don’t try to control the outcome

Teens need to practice autonomy. When you come into a conversation trying to steer it toward your own desired outcome, it can feel dismissive. Instead, focus on guiding rather than directing. Give them room to explore. This means that they might get it wrong, and you’ll need to let them fail (within reason).  

Don’t neglect their emotional state

If your teen is upset or withdrawn, avoid pushing too hard for a conversation. Respect their emotional space, and don’t push them to open up if they’re not ready. Tell them you are there when they are ready.

Don’t be in a bad mood

Run a self-check prior to connecting with your teen – your emotional state sets the tone. Emotions are contagious, so ensure your mood is positive and calm. If you’re feeling stressed, angry or reactive, your teen will sense it – and likely mirror it. When you speak from a place of stability and care, your teen is more likely to respond with openness and calm.

Don’t expect instant agreement or compliance

Adolescents are naturally wired to challenge and test boundaries as they grow into independence. This is not because they are intentionally being difficult, they are simply trying to connect the emotional part of their brain to the thinking part of their brain – and this connection requires trial and error. Expecting them to instantly agree or comply will likely lead to conflict or withdrawal. Instead, let them process, push back, and return to the conversation at a different time and context. Sometimes, it’s helpful to come back into a conversation by asking a “curious comment” to help a young person rethink things or change their way of thinking. Curious comments are a great strategy that invites broader thinking, by stretching their mindset to include other possibilities other than a defensive or negative reaction, which may often be a teenagers first response.

Don’t lead with judgment or criticism

Teenagers already feel a great deal of internal pressure and comparison – both to their peers, to their imagined future selves and what they see on social media. Adolescents are also super sensitive to embarrassment and inadequacy. Harsh feedback can shut down conversations before they start. Instead of highlighting what they did wrong, ask what they think, what they noticed, or how they felt. This builds insight and trust.

Maria Ruberto is a psychologist and Medibank Mental Health Reference Group member

Can We Talk? is a News Corp awareness campaign, in partnership with Medibank, helping Australian families better tackle mental wellbeing. To follow the series and access all stories, tips and advice, visit our new Health section.