The A-Z of crazy Victorian antics in a year like no other

From Aspen cluster outcasts and the CHO-ttie to hub trouble and a cackling COVID-sceptic turned topless waitress, it’s been one hell of year in Vic.

It’s been one hell of a crazy year in Victoria.

A- Aspen

Toorak and Portsea blue-bloods were on an annual ski jaunt and enjoying cocktails at FlexiGroup founder and Liberal powerbroker Andrew Abercrombie’s apartment atop North of Nell when the virus first struck. Labelled pariahs after returning home from Aspen in late March riddled with coronavirus, many flouted self-isolating restrictions, visiting shops and private school functions. The pitchforks came out as Toorak and Mornington quickly became Melbourne’s first hot spots. Many from the cluster were indignant, with one of the infected telling this column: “We are the responsible ones in this. People have nothing better to do than be nasty. If we lived in Box Hill and I’d been to Bali, no one would care, would they?’’

B – Byron Bay

Where locals declared war on Melbourne border hoppers, telling them to get back south. Putu Winchester-Stanton of Heartbreak High fame said the town was fed up with pasty-faced, middle-aged white men with iPhones glued to their ears relocating to the coastal getaway when the proverbial hit the fan in Melbourne during the second wave. The celebrities came piling in.

“You can spot the Melburnians in a second,” said the longtime Byron local. “Puffer jackets and ironed jeans. I mean what’s with that?”

C – CHOttie.

Victoria’s Chief Health Officer Brett Sutton reached cult-swoon status with hashtags like #sexysutton trending. His mellifluous voice at the daily press conferences (he is a devout Buddhist) helped make him the CHOttie a hottie. Followers called themselves the ‘Suttonettes’ an the CHOttie’s face found its way onto mugs, masks, T-shirts, pillows and bedsheets.

D – Dan Andrews. The Premier copped a pasting during lockdown, called Dictator Dan and Chairman Dan. The unflappable Labor leader pulled us through the second wave while the pizza-eating Croweaters and Sydney’s Northern Beaches couples, “divorced but living under the same roof,” are in the hotspots.

The Aspen cluster caused quite a stir.

E – Eve Black

Cackling COVID-sceptic Eve Black attracted a lot of labels when she was dramatically arrested after an earlier incident where she filmed herself refusing to answer questions at a police checkpoint. The self-described ecowarrior was unmasked as a topless waitress in the days when the virus lockdown wasn’t so severe.

F – Face Masks

Along with 5G, the humble face mask drew the ire of antivirus sceptics who made themselves heard, be that in Bunnings, at protests, or just shopping for essential items in our one hour of freedom during stage 4 restrictions.

G – Get On The Beers

A dancefloor banger featuring Dan Andrews’ famous “get on the beers” line hit the Top-20. The Premier warned about getting on the grog at home during the lockdown, then said he might “go a little higher up the shelf” when he announced lifting restrictions after the second wave. The Get On The Beers remix by artist Mashd N Kutcher featured a cameo from another unlikely 2020 breakout star, Tiger King’s Carole Baskin.

H – Hub trouble

Where to start. AFL players adds WAGs moved into hub life to play out the season. Tiger captain Trent Cotchin’s wife Brooke was the first to cop a fine for flouting rules and going to a spa. There were kebabs and fisticuffs outside Hollywood Showgirls when two Richmond players were also caught out of bounds. Coach Nathan Buckley copped a serve for playing in a doubles tennis match with Alicia Molik when he was meant to be in iso and Pies prez Eddie McGuire got an earful for turning up at Gold Coast bar Pink Flamingoes with his son. And what was in the tennis balls being chucked over the fence in to the player hub?

I – Interpreters

AUSLAN interpreters at Dan’s gloomy pressers take a bow. Auslan, or Australian Sign Language, became part of our daily fix. A two-fingered salute to the camera summed up the lockdown vibe. Flipping the double bird was in fact the sign for “lazy.” One of the silent stars achieved online cult status for being rather well-endowed in the trouser department.

Victoria’s CHO gained a devoted following. Picture: Facebook

J – Jordan

Michael Jordan was a must-watch 23 years ago and he held our attention in lockdown with his 10-part Netflix series, The Last Dance. Some of the questions were weird. What’s with the yellow eyes, was it jaundice? And what was he constantly swigging? It was Cincoro, a tequila brand he co-owns.

K – Karen

2020 brought us the “Karens.” The Macquarie Dictionary named Karen, along with COVIDiot, as the people’s choice for word of the year.

“Colloquial and contentious, it was used as a neat descriptor of this particular type of woman, its popularity being kicked along by viral social media videos,” declared the dictionary.

Lizzy Rose, a psychic and anti-mask agitator, filmed her encounter with Bunnings staff who politely asked her to wear a mask.

Jodi Grollo, a Brighton Karen, broke the five-kilometre lockdown rule by walking around the Tan in South Yarra.

The daughter of pub and pokies king Bruce Mathieson complained she had “walked all of Brighton.”

She moved to the Sunshine Coast before returning to Brighton but says she’s heading back to Queensland as soon as she can.

Lizzy Rose became known as ‘Bunnings Karen’.

Carol Baskin had a message for Daniel Andrews.

L – Lockdown

A word never to be uttered again.

M – Medical workers

The world’s health and medical workers were the standout stars of 2020. British Vogue featured a nurse on its cover with the catchline, The New Frontline.

N – New normal

“We are all in this together” and other COVID-cringey phrases should be put to bed with the rest of 2020.

O – Olympics

Not even the most organised country in the world could beat the Rona with the Tokyo Olympics delayed by 12 months. New dates are July 23 to August 8 next year, but there will need to be some serious vaccination action for the greatest sporting event on the planet to resemble anything of its past glories.

P – Pangolin

This solitary, harmless, scaly anteater became the most talked about mammal you’ve never heard of after early reports COVID-19 may have spread from bats to the humans who may have eaten the ancient creatures, or worse.

Eve Black shared a video on Facebook of her talking her way through a Victorian Coronavirus checkpoint.

Q – Quarantine fiasco

The hotel quarantine blunders had horrific consequences. People died when the virus got out of the lockdown hotels and into aged care homes. Reported breakdowns in security included people on quarantine going out on shopping trips and getting way too friendly with the sexed up security guards. The Coate Inquiry into the hotel quarantine program will deliver its findings on Monday. Ministers and public servants have already fallen on their swords in what may become a bloodbath for the Andrews’ Government.

R – Ring of Steel

When Melbourne’s ring of steel divided the city from regional Victoria, with heavy fines for transgressors, some of us thought we were living in some sort of dictatorship. The military rolled in to help police catch the COVIDiots.

S – Sorrento Golf Club

Members at the posh club down on the Mornington Peninsula were none too pleased at two golfers from the Colorado cluster skipping COVID isolation for a round. Signs were put up around town and outside the golf club and Sorrento Sailing Costa Boat Club, saying: “ You should have stayed in Aspen.”

T – Toilet paper

Panic buying and stockpiling everything from the dunny roll to piles of pasta emptied supermarket shelves empty at the peak of coronavirus crisis. Shame on us!

U – Unprecedented times

Didn’t we hear that word bandied about after Daniel Andrews said, “Late last night, we took the unprecedented step of declaring a state of disaster in Victoria.” Another word along with pivot that needs binning post 2020.

The Pangolin suddenly became the most talked about mammal. Picture: Roslan Rahman/AFP.

V – Vaccine

Don’t get us started on the anti-vaccers. Former pizza maker, turned TV chef, turned activated nutjob Pete Evans has led the tribe in parroting nonsense to anyone who will lesson.

W – Wuhan

The Chinese city’s wet market became the accepted epicentre of the coronavirus with the now democratically US President Donald Trump calling the virus “kung flu.” The Chinese government failed to see the joke.

X – Xi Jinping

The Chinese leader depicted as Winnie the Pooh in internet memes, has shown a sterner side to his character with Australia copping the brunt of trade tariffs. The president for life doesn’t like being compared to Pooh and all such unflattering images are banned in China.

Y – Yacht

Super-yacht in the case of the Italian-built, 30-metre Lady Pamela. Melbourne construction magnate Mark Simonds was yet another Victorian multi-millionaire to be granted an exemption to relocate his family to Queensland after sailing up the east coast with glamour wife Cheryl, their youngest son and Hannah Fox, daughter of Linfox executive chairman Peter Fox.

Z – Zoo Keeper

Adam Porter our razzle-dazzle Melbourne Zoo keeper’s vid went viral, but in a good way, dancing away the coronavirus blues with his rainbow fan. With visitors turned away as restrictions tightened, Melbourne zoo began live streaming its animal antics for people at home. Adam got his grind and groove going in the giraffe enclosure.