Postcards: All the gossip between posh Prue in Portsea and lush Lawrence in Lorne

Portsea set tongues are wagging over a footballer’s wife reportedly banned from functions at her children’s posh school, after being nabbed “imbibing”.

Lorne, pictured, looks serene but in summer it’s buzzing with rich-set gossip, as is posh Portsea.

My dear Lawrence,

So frightfully sad to find you won’t be popping over for a sneaky Aperol Spritz after the Portsea Swim Classic on Saturday.

Forget the Portsea Pro-AM, although while I’m on it how about that diviiiine Toorak Rd hairdresser Joey Scandizzo taking home the celebrity amateur trophy.

He was positively swoonworthy, dripping in LV and does all the ladies’ coifs back in town.

Honestly it wouldn’t hurt the Sorrento mob to scrub up a bit around the green, some of those pastel polos were so frayed you wouldn’t wear them cleaning out the horse floats.

But back to the Classic and every man, merchant banker, PwC financier and their cavoodle dog are donning their budgie smugglers getting ready for the swim.

I even heard one of those nouveau real estate agents ask a pro to wear his tag to get him a good swim result.

They all take it soooo seriously don’t they? Pier to Pub is of course a bit more sporty. Wasn’t Josh Frydenberg there? Always thought he was more suited to this side.

Josh Frydenberg took part in Lorne’s Pier to Pub but is he more suited to ‘the other side’? Picture: Mark Dadswell

All the Deagues, of course, will be swimming. Haven’t they done well for themselves and remember that Grand Final border-breacher banker Mark Babbage?

Tsk tsk. He will be lurking too.

Meanwhile, it’s positively heaving in town. You know I prefer a G&T at the compound but the aggies growing down the driveway are getting out of control and the Fox chopper is just relentless overhead now after they raised the flag to announce in residence.

The traffic is so frightful this year with the Range Rovers and Mercedes and a few Teslas of course. One almost backed over me it was so quiet. They’re lined up all the way to Koonya General Store.

And that’s with everybody holidaying back in Aspen again. They still get prickly when we mention “patient zero.”

Or for that matter Dictator Dan. Everyone is still playing Miss Marple as to just what happened on THOSE stairs.

All the talk at Hotel Sorrento has been around one of those TV presenters splitting with his wife and hitting the bottle.

But I don’t like to gossip. Oh, well if you must twist my arm, heard he’s not the only one and another AFL type this way is heading to splitsville. But you didn’t hear that from me.

Oh I just can’t resist. The other one that just won’t go away is about the footballer’s wife, don’t think we can call them WAGs anymore thanks to PC gone mad, who is banned from ever attending events at the private school her children are at after being caught red handed imbibing something at a function. Scandalous!

There’s plenty of talk at the Hotel Sorrento of someone who’s on TV, splitting with his wife.

With the Couta Angling Club still under renovation everyone is at a loss where to go. The youngies all jump off the catamaran, or Portsea back beach around 3pm so they can get into the pub ahead of the 100m long queue.

New Cantonese restaurant Shi Hui Shi is where all the Toorak types hang out and it’s been booked out every night.

Did you hear all the Pure Blonde and Great Northern low carb beer was in such demand at the pub they ran out. What a scream!

They had to ship in kegs of that new low carb TRAVLA beer brewed cup by that actor Travis Fimmel and old Essendon CEO Xavier Campbell.

Talking of AFL, Simon Goodwin and Max Gawn are in the front bar watching sport from dawn till dusk.

George Calombaris is positively sweating bullets he is doing such a roaring trade back in the kitchen.

And didn’t Liam Hemsworth cause quite the stir when up on the Hotel Sorrento rooftop with one of those VIP wristbands.

Christian Petracca was around with his pretty fiancé Bella. Josh Daicos is always here and Mia Fevola really is quite charming when you meet her.

Mia Fevola really is quite charming when you meet her.

We all thought Elton John was holidaying on a superyacht before his world tour kicked off in Melbourne. It was quite the talk, but turns out it was just a golfer who had let himself go.

Must rush off, the Portsea Rose is on ice and some Baillieus (the good ones) are popping past. Don’t they just have the most divine manners?

Do tell me how you’ve been and please stopping calling this the dark side, you know how cross it makes me.

Yours,

Prue from Portsea.

LAWRENCE FROM LORNE REPLY

To my ol’ mate Prue,

Aren’t you flying high these days over yonder? Of course, you wouldn’t find me on that side in a pink fit.

Although Lorne is getting more Sydney and yuppified by the second, we locals were up in arms when we saw potato scallops on the menu at the Lorne pub.

Not to mention $6 schooners at happy hour. That new billionaire owner Justin Hemmes has a lot to answer for.

Although the grub is pretty good and Bailey Smith and his girlfriend were always popping in.

Ripping bloke. Folk are a tad worried Lorne will turn into Bondi what with his Totti’s Italian restaurant set to take over the old MoVida site if the reno ever ends.

Bailey Smith at the Lorne Pub, where he has regularly popped in over summer. Picture: Supplied

There is still talk the Rudd brothers, you know the ones who own that clothing shop Ghanda (the youngies all wear it) might go into biz with Hemmes over at the great old grand dame, the Grand Pacific Hotel.

All just pub chatter of course, but we locals want to see some action there sooner than later.

Ol’ mate BT, Brian Taylor, has become a bit of a local hero after he was seen putting up the fence at the Lorne Aquatic and Angling Club for some privacy around the beer garden.

BT was put on the board, has done a lot for the community specially after those council bastards tried to swoop in. He’s a good sport on Friday nights for “Toss the Boss.”

Don’t even get me started on the new bric-brac store where the ol’ Pier restaurant was. Lots of talk about new owners Judi Kenneally and Ian Lovell.

They had some disagreement with that band Goanna last year and painted over the old sign and the locals aren’t happy.

Gave a shout out to Mick Malthouse who looked in great shape and was pounding up Lorne’s steepest hill on his way to Teddy’s lookout the other day.

You can’t find a spot on the Lorne beach thanks to all those damn Cool Cabana’s, give me an Esky and umbrella any day.

Brian Taylor has become a local hero after putting up a fence at the Lorne Aquatic and Angling Club for some privacy around the beer garden. Picture: Alex Coppel.

Next week BT has got a shindig down at the new football clubrooms with Tom Hawkins and Ash Barty talking. And of course BT.

We were pissing ourselves laughing as the place is kept so spotless the boys are instructed to take off their footy boots before going in.

Shoulda heard the commotion the Birra boys made when they played here last year. No one was happy that the richest club in the district got the reno thanks to the Liberal Party.

Not when I’m told they have to change in a cowshed down Birregurra way.

You know I’m a man of few words so will sign off, but that new restaurant Little Picket at the Bowling Club has taken off like no one’s business.

So, gotta fly. The sausage sizzle is on and it’s get in quick or else Billy Brownless might snag ‘em all.

Stay well and tell all those bloody wankers over there on the dark side to sod off back to the members’ at the MCG.

Cheers,

Lawrence from Lorne.