‘Joy and sorrow’: Amie Rohan reveals baby Willow’s last moments

Amie Rohan has revealed the raw details of the devastating moment she lost her baby girl, Willow, three years ago, saying all she ever wanted in life was to be a mum.

Amie Rohan, pictured with daughters Sadie, 1, and Bella, 3, says all she ever wanted was to be a mum. Picture: Mike Dugdale

Amie Rohan has opened up about the loss of her baby Willow in the most honest and raw detail since the heartbreaking moment three years ago.

Rohan and ex-husband, Geelong star Gary, welcomed twins Bella and Willow in 2018, but knew they would lose Willow after she was diagnosed with a neural tube defect with no cure, known as anencephaly.

“It was beautiful, it was one of the most heartbreakingly beautiful moments of my life,’’ Rohan told the Pregnancy Uncut podcast.

“To have so much joy and sorrow at the same time, it was beautiful. But it was beautiful because we had the support of an entire medical team behind us who were just trying to savour every moment and make it as special as it could possibly be.

Amie Rohan. Picture: Instagram

“Willow was just there and she was so serene and beautiful and calm. She really was a perfect little Willow.

“Bella came out first and she was making a lot of noise which I was quite anxious about.

“They both got put on my chest and I wanted that moment to last forever.

“Bella would constantly try to cuddle into Willow when she was on my chest and for every moment after that they were together. That’s probably where everything started to get a bit hard.

“Looking back you realise that but you don’t. It was like I was having an out of body experience and everything was happening around me and I just wanted to pause time and put it in slow mo and relish what we were in.”

Rohan underwent a caesarean at 34 weeks.

Aimee with Gary Rohan and twin daughters Bella and Willow.

Fighting back tears, she spoke about Willow’s final moments when she passed away five hours after birth.

“As soon as they were born they had some time on my chest for a bit,’’ she said.

“Then they took Bella for tests just to make sure she was all OK being a 34 weeker, she had to go into NICU and they wheeled me into recovery and I just held onto Willow the entire time while they made sure I was OK.

“We got photos and the girls got weighed and measured. They took us up to our room to take some family photos and that was really special. Then Bella went down to NICU which is probably one of the biggest things as to why I’ve had so much separation anxiety with her.

“Then we went into our own room to relish those moments with Willow.

“I was just sitting there holding her and looking at her and I said to Gary, you need to hold her and have some time with her, I don’t want to hog her.

“I took some photos of him with Willow and then I was like, can I have her back now, how long is she going to be here for, I just want to savour every moment.

The Willow Rays Tutu Dress designed by Amie in honour of Willow for Red Nose Day. Picture: Rebecca Michael.

“Gary said we should invite your mum in and I said we can’t just pick and choose, let’s get both of our families in so they can meet their granddaughters, they both got to meet Bella and Willow. My dad was holding Willow and her jaw dropped, I noticed she’d lost control of her mouth. I was like do you mind if I just have her back. I got the nurse in, got her to check her heartbeat and she passed. It’s like she knew we had our support system in.”

Rohan then spoke about the time after Willow passed and how they protected her memory.

“So we spent a bit of time in there together with both families, parents of both families and we had a big cry,’’ she said.

“Then they left us so we could have some time to ourselves. There was a lot of crying, and then Kate the head midwife came in and she goes, OK do you want to give her a bath and I’d just had an epidural so I couldn’t get out of bed.

“I said I’m more than happy for you to do it if you feel comfortable and I asked Gary if he wanted to and he said we’re more than happy for you to do that.

“She got her all cleaned up and gave her a bath and got her dressed in a little special outfit that I’d packed. A little teddy, I had matching teddies and blankets for both her and Bella.

“Gary went down to be with Bella because he felt so torn, as well. We both did and I just stayed in the room and got some rest and then she brought her back into me. And then the memorial didn’t happen until two days later, just in the hospital. Something quite little and special.

Amie and Gary Rohan with daughter Sadie in 2020. Picture: Instagram

“You’re trying to grieve the child you lost and you’re trying to be strong for the one you’ve got here. It was so hard thinking back now.

“Two days later we had the blessing ceremony. Bella got baptised and Willow had her ceremony with the priest and he was so beautiful.

“It was so perfect. It was what we needed to do to keep going on to be strong.

“It was a real turning point in my life. Highs and lows are a part of life, it’s like using them to springboard you into working through it and just being like hey, shitty things happen but you’ve just got to power on basically.”

Rohan and Gary have another daughter Sadie, born last year, before they separated.

“It’s a bit raw,’’ Rohan said.

“I’ve had to be a very strong person over the past year.

“I’ve had to put on a very strong front, I’ve pushed emotions to the side a bit so it’s really nice to be able to have a cry about that.”

Rohan told the Herald Sun that chatting on the podcast was the most cathartic conversation she’s had over the past four years and the first time she’s been able to speak with clarity about it.

“All I ever wanted to be in life was to be a mum,’’ she said, adding that she suffered from PTSD, post-natal anxiety and postnatal depression.

“ … that’s OK because that doesn’t define who I am and also accepting the fact that healing may never really end, it’s a lifelong process.”