Adam Cooney won’t attend 2017 Brownlow Medal but he has advice for likely winner Dustin Martin

AFTER being a constant at the Brownlow Medal in recent years, former winner ADAM COONEY reveals he’s not going in 2017. But he has some advice for first-timers — and Dustin Martin.

I’ve decided to have a Brownlow gap year in 2017.

For the past decade my wife, Hayley, and I have had ample time to prepare for the evening.

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Frocks, jewellery, babysitters, accommodation, spray tans (not just her!), hair and make-up are pre-planned weeks out from the event.

In past years, I’ve usually just finished up another unsuccessful season at either the Bulldogs or the Bombers, so I’m still in good enough shape to wear the same suit each year.

Unfortunately this year — 13 months post retirement — I’ve missed the six-week Brownlow shred diet to be red-carpet ready.

Adam Cooney, with wife Haylea, at the 2008 vote count.

Due to my now inactive lifestyle and poor dietary choices, my favourite and only Brownlow tux does not fit.

So in fear of being body shamed or ending up as a meme on Facebook, my chins and I will sit this one out.

Having been a Brownlow stalwart over the years, racking up votes not only ‘within the four walls’ of the Palladium but also ‘excelling’ (my word — not my wife’s or anyone that comes in contact with me) at the after-party.

So while I won’t be there this year, I have some advice for first-year attendees.

A younger, wide-eyed Cooney with his medal.

MY ADVICE FOR BROWNLOW NEWBIES

— Have two to three ‘looseners’ on the way to the red carpet, which assists in adding personality when being interviewed. Let the significant other get some camera time — she has dieted, stressed and agonised over this two to three-minute period, so give her time to shine.

— Play it cool on your table. Excessive noise and general boisterous behaviour will limit service from waiters.

— Always order two Crownies when the waiter approaches — one for you and one for your date. Each year the service of alcohol has diminished significantly, so be smart with your orders.

— Do not abuse or yell out to other players during the evening. You may think this is a bit of fun at the time but trust me, when you bump into them in the lobby checking out of Crown in the morning it can be slightly awkward (sorry Nat Fyfe).

Adam Cooney says it’s important to let one’s significant other shine on the night. Picture: Wayne Ludbey

MY ADVICE FOR DUSTY

To Dusty ... congrats bro, welcome to the club! I would’ve loved to see you accept the award after fronting up from ‘Mad Monday’, but alas, you have bigger and better things on your mind this week!

I know public speaking isn’t your forte, so please do not make the same mistake I did ... prepare a speech!

Remember to thank the coach! This was a mistake I made in my acceptance speech in 2008. Also, thank your teammates. Now is the perfect time to be honest about your relationship with Trent Cotchin. We seem to hear a lot from Trent about you two being great mates but it all seems to come from Cotch!

I suppose you’ll have to acknowledge the mentorship from Michael Gardiner (who would’ve thought anyone would be saying that?!)

Feel free to mention all the good, relaxing times you’ve had with the Gardiners and Cooneys down at Ocean Grove!

The Tiger Army deserve a mention. They’ll love you even more if they get some praise.

And last, but not least, thank the old man for the genetics and that famous stiff arm!

Trent Cotchin says he and Dustin Martin are friends. But Coons wants to hear it from the man himself. Pic: Michael Klein