The people who won’t get anything from the Federal Budget

THE Budget may as well be a bag full of nothing for all the good it will do these Australians.They always miss out.

Jo Thornely knows she won’t get any sweeteners in tonight’s Budget.

OPINION

WHENEVER a Federal Budget rolls around, I never, ever ask “what’s in it for me?”

Because there’s never anything in it for me. It might as well be a bag full of marzipan racing cars.

I’ve realised that my role, as far as the government is concerned, is to keep on earning money, paying tax, and asking for almost nothing in return. The companies I work for are likely to be granted more tax breaks than I ever will.

Don’t get me wrong — I’m lucky to be in a position where, aside from the provision of basic infrastructure, I don’t really need the government’s help.

It affords me the opportunity to feel like a benevolent do-gooder at election time, waving my pencil like a wand, bestowing my vote upon the party most likely to help others. Here, children, have some education! There you are, elderly and infirm! Have a bit of hospital, on me.

But I still feel left out. It’s like being on the far edge of a group selfie.

Each year, I scroll through the Federal Budget (the Australian Treasury Twitter feed totally counts), and fail to be either inspired or disappointed.

It’s not because I’m disinterested in politics or the economy — quite the opposite. It’s because the government, in turn, isn’t really interested in me.

Here’s to the Budget!

I’m single and quite happily childless, so anything in the Budget that helps families is irrelevant to me. I can get most of the way through a family-sized pizza, but sadly those remain unsubsidised.

I’m neither a high-income nor a low-income earner, and although after seven years working two jobs I just scrape into Scott Morrison’s so-called ‘average’ wage bracket, it’s unlikely I’m in a target group for tax cuts.

I’m fit, healthy, and have private health insurance, so public hospitals are just things I visit other people in.

I don’t need mental health care either, although let’s bookmark that page of the Budget just in case. Not that Australian governments have ever inconvenienced themselves too much with the provision of adequate mental health services. Ironically, it’s a bit depressing.

I’m too old for vocational training, and too young for a pension.

I’ve finally paid off all my HECS, so I’m fully educated and paid for. It’s why I can spell stuff so good.

I recycle, I don’t drive, and I buy energy-efficient appliances, so if this government ever actually admits that climate change is real, I’ve got a great headstart.

Granted, I’ve never paid stamp duty on a property I’ve bought, but that’s because I selfishly want to live less than an hour’s commute from my workplace, and owning property in Sydney is a distant, hilarious dream.

All I ask is for a ride on election day.

Basically with the exception of a bit of public transport that I pay full fare for and infrastructure that I pay rates for, I’m a giver. I’m doing the government a favour. They get a chunk of my money, and I take the absolute minimum back. And there’s a lot of people like me out there.

By default, we’re even paying for things like tennis courts for private schools, mining subsidies, and school chaplaincy programs, which are of exactly as much relevance to me as the colour of someone’s necktie.

The only time we get much of a say into where our money goes is on election day.

That said, can those of us who are no strain whatsoever on the government get a special break on polling day? Perhaps send a car, or rope off a VIP section at the local primary school, with dibs on the super-fancy gourmet snags at the sausage sizzle.

If, aside from the day we submit our tax returns, the only day the government truly needs us is the day we help decide if they stay in power, I reckon a mani/pedi station at the polling booth is the least they could do in return. Bit of a shoulder massage, perhaps. Hand-delivered low-fat decaf soy latte, surely.

The government doesn’t have to give a stuff about me on any other day — particularly Budget day, but if they want me to keep earning, paying tax and voting, give me a little somethin’ somethin’ on election day.

Jo Thornely doesn’t get enough attention at her day job, so she writes for various outlets, takes up way too much bandwidth on the internet, and loves it when you explain her jokes back to her on Twitter. Follow her @JoThornely

Originally published as The people who won’t get anything from the Federal Budget