Mikey Cahill: Goon, phone calls among everyday things we all love to hate

Can cask wine ever be funky? And why does the simple chinwag now cop such a bad rep? These are some of the innocuous things that are now blemished in our society, writes Mikey Cahill.

There’s a stigma against cask wine — and for good reason.

This week, I received an email which I’ll label ambitious. The subject heading asked, “Cask Wine: Why The Stigma?”

The smart-a--- in me had three quick retorts: “Because it tastes rank, because they couldn’t pony up to put their crushed grapes in a slender glass bottle and, simply, Goon of Fortune.”

For those unfamiliar with Goon of Fortune, it’s like chess. Except replace the pieces and board with a swivelling clothesline, silver bags bulging like rancid gourds and wild-eyed players taking gulps of wine.

MORE MIKEY CAHILL

WHY EVERYONE WANTS THE ‘GOON SUIT’

Remember this game?

The International Olympic Committee is considering Goon of Fortune for the 2020 Tokyo Games, hosted by Corey Worthington and Marty Monster, with sake chasers.

Back to the email. The marketing person acknowledged the three elephants in the room: “Hills hoists, bad hangovers and a history of poor quality” have given “goon” a less than flattering reputation.

Then came the sell: “Pord is art and wine combined in a limited edition mini cask wine barrel filled with four litres of award-winning Michelton wine … covered by artist-authenticated art.”

How about that name? “Pord” hits you like a splash of bad merlot.

The PR spiel suggests you drink the Pord wine then keep the empty barrel on your mantelpiece.

Pord attempts to make cask wine cool again.

Are. You. For. Real? It looks like some kind of off-brand IKEA installation. When I lived in a Glen Iris sharehouse in 2002, we arranged our empty bottles with a visual merchandiser’s touch and it looked great — we could reminisce about the Tintara Shiraz from last month’s pasta night and it reminded us it was a good drop and we needed more.

But you can’t blame poor goon though — it didn’t ask to be made “cool again”. Goon was more than happy staying in its lane, ready to floor it at the summer music festivals, your drunk aunty’s Christmas kick-on and, well, whenever you couldn’t get your hands on better quality vino.

Pord got me thinking of other stigmas.

KILLER SKOLS BAG OF WINE IN POLICE STATION

INVENTION SET TO POP WINE INDUSTRY CORKS

Who even irons these days?

IRONING

I’m not being ironic. A mate posted on Facebook this week: “No one else irons anything these days right?” Things kicked right off. “Undies on a cold morning,” said one person. “Never” posted several others. Threads and sub-threads spread about the pros and cons of de-creasing the thread-spread. The debate was about 50-50 between avid ironers (me) and non-ironers (philistines). Not ironing is more to with laziness than mere stigma. Hey, you with the shabby shirt, sort it out.

PHONE CALLS

Yep, the simple chinwag. I saw a tweet that went viral recently: “Calling somebody on the phone without prior warning is an act of aggression.” That’s poppycock, although my girlfriend disagrees. “Dude, people hate talking on the phone,” she says. No, people hate the thought of talking on the phone until it’s happening. A great chat on the dog and bone leaves you beaming.

Vapers once copped a bad rep. Picture: Matt Loxton

VAPING

At first we viewed vapists like they were Bond villains. Now you can puff on stealth like you’re Kelly MacDonald’s police officer in Black Mirror Hate in the Nation episode. Also, vaping equals less litter.

DOGGY BAGS

We need a new term for taking home the leftover food home from a restaurant. Back when Jerry Seinfeld released his first book in 1993, Seinlanguage, he joked that if a man was on a date and asked for a doggy bag, then they may as well wrap up his genitalia, too, because neither would be used that evening.

APPLE’S EARBUDS

Once they looked douchey, now everyone from 15 TO 50 seems to have them. “Life-changing,” says a colleague.

Pop stars Ariana Grande and Troye Sivan are among the hottest musicians.

POP MUSIC

Troye Sivan, Rita Ora, Charli XCX, Vera Blue, Pnau. Pop ain’t slop no more.

TOOTHPICKS

This is the hill I’ll die on. While carefully removing morsels of a recent meal.

BEING VEGAN

In the stand-up comedy world, vegans have been low hanging (organic) fruit. Now only goons tackle that sort of gear.

— Mikey Cahill is a Herald Sun journalist

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@JoeyLightbulb