1. Schools are the greatest political football

Woe betide anyone who dips their toes in the churning waters of the back to school debate. Whether unions, parents or pollies, there are a lot of people ready to snap back at you. Whatever Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk decided to do, she was always going to provoke an angry response from someone. Being ever-cautious, Ms Palaszczuk eventually settled on a slow, staggered return to the classrooms, succeeding in provoking an angry response from almost everyone. Her West Australian counterpart Mark McGowan was far more decisive and has recorded a staggering 89 per cent personal approval rating in an opinion poll. No such luck for Ms Palaszczuk who, heading towards an October election, faces being chewed up.

2. The NBN was a good idea

Speaking of political footballs, who remembers those halcyon days when the major topic of debate was the need for the NBN? Trashing the idea of the broadband network helped propel Tony Abbott into office. Few would doubt the need for it now. Imagine kids doing online learning while mum and dad are on conference calls via the wonders of ADSL. We’d already be back to using carrier pigeons.

3. We don’t need to go far to have fun

This column has always been a little confused by Gold Coasters itching for the chance to jet off to places like Hawaii. It’s like working in Coles and spending your lunch break at Woolies. Now that our world is suddenly a lot smaller, it seems many are realising they never needed to go so far after all. Denied the joys of lining up in airports to squeeze on to stuffy aluminium tubes, being grilled by border guards and figuring out how the hell the shower in your tiny hotel room actually works, it’s amazing to see how many people are instead finding joy in simpler things. Like home gardening, games of hide and seek with the littlies, bike rides. And beautiful Gold Coast sunsets. Actually, maybe skip the sunset, if you happen to be viewing from Burleigh.

4. The southern Gold Coast is a forgotten world

We’ve finally got a plan for fully reopening schools. We’ve even got talk of when we might be able to reopen restaurants. But still no word about when people might once again slip across that invisible line down Boundary St without dramas. The COVID-19 pandemic has highlighted once more what a terrible, pointless inconvenience that border line really is. This column is tempted to recommend Tweed residents hold a referendum on joining Queensland to put an end to the nonsense. But given Brisbane’s talent for ignoring the southern Gold Coast, there’s a high chance they might not even notice.

5. China, we have a problem

Isn’t it extraordinary how Australian billionaires like Andrew Forrest are big fans of the totalitarian communist dictatorship that rules over the people of China? Forrest is such a big fan he invited a Chinese consulate chum to crash an Australian government press conference. All non-billionaires are looking at the Chinese government (not the people) a tad more warily. Should we really let ourselves become so dependent on a country that throws its rattle out of the pram at the mere suggestion that, you know, it might be a good idea to investigate the origin of a plague that has brought misery to the entire planet?

6. Our health system is world-beating

The first coronavirus cases in Spain, Italy and the UK all occurred on the same day, January 31. Since then at least 25,000 people have died in Spain, and 28,000 in both Italy and the UK. The Gold Coast actually had its first confirmed case a day earlier, on January 30. Since then there have been zero deaths on the Gold Coast. This was no accident.

7. There’s an ugly side to our society

Not everyone has covered themselves in glory. Who can forget the panic-buying of toilet roll? We also have the problem of young people who foolishly believe themselves immune to the virus ignoring social distancing rules by holding parties. If there is another outbreak which puts more people in hospital, keeps businesses closed and delays our kids getting back to school because of the selfishness of these people, this column would wish those responsible a future of embarrassing bowel troubles in a world with no dunny rolls.

8. The Kiwis really need us

On February 28 New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern used a press conference with Scott Morrison beside the Sydney Opera House to rudely attack our own Prime Minister over Australia’s policy of returning Kiwis convicted of crimes to the motherland. It was a most undiplomatic way to behave, but you may remember rounding on Mr Morrison was quite the sport among certain people at the time. Fast forward to yesterday, and Ms Ardern, at the gracious invitation of Mr Morrison, was making the case to Australia’s National Cabinet that flights across the Tasman should restart at the earliest available opportunity. It appears Ms Ardern needs Australia’s help saving New Zealand’s moribund economy. Mr Morrison should agree – as long as the first few flights are operated by Con Air.