Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now

No matter what society says about virginity, relationship therapist Melissa Ferrari advises that following your values is the best way to know whether you have chosen the right path.

Melissa encourages people to follow their values when it comes to life-changing decisions.

Adulthood is stressful, but your relationship doesn’t need to be.

Relationship counsellor Melissa Ferrari has spent more than two decades guiding couples through some truly heartbreaking circumstances.

The Courier-Mail has enlisted Melissa to provide expert guidance on navigating tricky relationship situations and will be answering two reader-submitted questions per week.

Scroll down to ask Melissa your questions >>>

DEAR MELISSA:

My wife and I have not been had a physical relationship for close to four years and has moved to our son’s old room.

I have been extremely patient and given my wife the space and time to sort out what is stopping her wanting me.

I’m close to walking away from our marriage of nearly 30 years please help me I love my wife but at 53 I don’t want to waste any more time if it won’t make a difference.

Thank you in advance, please help me save my marriage and relationship.

MELISSA’S RESPONSE:

Issues around attraction and intimacy are very common in long term relationships and can be caused by a range of issues.

Your wife may be dealing with menopause, which can lower her libido, which will return in time, or you may be dealing with some underlying issues within your relationship or a combination of concerns.

Given how strong you are feeling and the threat that you are finding this lack of intimacy is having on your relationship I would suggest that you seek out some support through a couple’s therapist who can help you both navigate these difficult discussions and help you get to the root of the problem.

Melissa is here to help with your key questions.

What I also suggest is for you not to look at this as something your wife needs to solve, but as what you can do to initiate and renew attraction.

Firstly, show curiosity to your partner, seek out from her what has seen her move to your son’s old room, let her see that you want to understand how she is feeling – rather than giving her ‘time’ and ‘space’ to work through her issues – let her see that this relationship is important to you and that you are there as a supportive partner.

When we show gentle curiosity in our partner, it usually leads to positive outcomes for the relationship.

Be gentle with these conversations, explore the issue with love, care and sensitivity – your goal is to for your wife to open up to you.

Also remember that showing kindness and love through acts of affection are important to help rekindle our feelings for each other. That may be flowers, a love note left in her lunch box or creating a moment to relive a special shared moment of joy in your lives – these do not have to be big acts, but small acts to show her how much you love and care for her.

Look to make her feel loved and cared for and through creating these moments you will both begin to reflect upon your connection, love, and importance to each other.

If your wife shuts down and does not want to discuss her feelings with you and is not responsive to your acts of love and affection, then that is a sign of a deeper problem and one you will need help from a couple’s therapist to help you both find a way through.

Menopause can lower libido and can potentially affect intimacy in relationships.

DEAR MELISSA:

I just turned 25, and I’m still a virgin. Should I go see a sex worker, or is it better waiting for the right person? I’m worried that if I go on a date with someone, they will make fun of me when they find out.

MELISSA’S RESPONSE:

First things first, there is nothing wrong with being a virgin at 25 years of age – it most likely a sign of your values and that you want to share intimacy with someone special and who you care about.

This does not mean that you are not curious about sex, and I can understand why you may be considering going to a sex worker – what you should do before making that decision is to assess your values and honestly answer the question ‘is that really how you want your first time to be’.

If such a decision conflicts with your values, then that may not be the best road, but only you can answer that question – if you take that road be safe and take care of yourself. Maybe a good therapist could help process the emotions around your decision.

As for being concerned that not having had sex may cause ridicule with someone you are on a date with, I think it’s fair to say that if they did poke fun at you, then that is most likely not the person for you.

Instead, you are more likely to find an empathetic response, that you will be seen as someone who values who you spend time with and want to be intimate with – something more respected than ridiculed.

Whatever you decide to do, ensure it is driven by your values, and you cannot then go wrong.

Melissa Ferrari responds to two submissions from our readers per week. Picture: Kirsten Flavell

Melissa is one of Australia’s most sought-after relationship therapists with over 25 years’ experience in couples counselling and individual psychotherapy. Specialising in the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), Melissa provides intensive sessions with practical, personalised feedback, through which she helps individuals and couples to make savvy relationship choices.

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Originally published as Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now