Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now

Relationship counsellor Melissa Ferrari says if you’re concerned about your partner’s potentially messaging, the main thing to do is to try and avoid what has been triggering these thoughts.

A reader has asked our relationships expert Melissa Ferrari how to stop thinking their wife is messaging other guys. Picture: File

Adulthood is stressful, but your relationship doesn’t need to be. Relationship counsellor Melissa Ferrari has spent more than two decades guiding couples through some truly heartbreaking circumstances.

The Courier-Mail has enlisted Melissa to provide expert guidance on navigating tricky relationship situations and will be answering two reader-submitted questions per week.

DEAR MELISSA:

How do I stop thinking my wife is messaging other guys?

MELISSA’S RESPONSE:

Your question immediately has me thinking that you suffered a trauma in the past with someone betraying you or as a younger person witnessed the impact that infidelity has had on people you love, leaving you vulnerable to having these thoughts triggered through the actions of your partner.

These may be innocent actions, perhaps she leaves her phone face down on a table, or at times leaves the room when messaging, some people maintain former partners and older flames, while others are simply flirtatious as they like attention.

Perhaps there has even been a small indiscretion that has created these negative thoughts in your mind.

This has left you open to ‘assumption’ and one thing that most of us do when assuming is to have negative bias in our thoughts about what is happening around us, creating our own negative narrative – which in your case is that your wife is messaging other men.

The key here to resolving whatever is triggering you is transparency, as the longer that you sit there becoming more convinced that she is messaging other men, then the more likely that is going to end in conflict between the two of you, which could ultimately end the marriage.

Relationships expert Melissa Ferrari is answering your burning questions. Picture: David Swift

These are never easy conversations but are best had or otherwise you will find your wife coming home late one night and these thoughts are going to manifest from ‘assumption’ to ‘accusation’.

Start the conversation gently and pick a time when you are both calm and relaxed, start by letting her know how you are feeling and why you are being triggered to have these thoughts.

Re-confirm the agreements of your relationship, that you are both committed to each other in a monogamous relationship and then set your rules around technology.

Perhaps its screens up on the table, that you both have access to each other passcodes, that you both agree to not text former partners and that when asked ‘who are you texting’ that you both tell and show the message.’

The main thing is that you include whatever you need to avoid what has been triggering these thoughts in you.

If you find that despite re-clarifying your agreements that you are still having these negative thoughts about who your wife may be communicating with online, then seek some help from a qualified relationship counsellor you are both comfortable with, as the underlying cause may be deeper and more complex than you realise.

DEAR MELISSA:

I have been with my partner for four years. We are middle aged and this represents a second relationship for us both. We have a solid relationship however my partner just cannot finalise her divorce from her ex- part due to her procrastination and his obstinence. It is detrimentally impacting us as I carry most of the financial liability as she has yet to receive any financial settlement. How can I get my partner to move forward after all this time without being seen as coercive?

MELISSA’S RESPONSE:

Delaying the settlement of a divorce is far more common than most people realise, this is due to the complexity of ending long-term relationships. The issues can vary from kids living with one partner in the family home, linked to money and investments being impacted or legal difficulties and disagreements – with people sometimes not wanting to rock what is an already rocking boat.

For those such as yourself who are being impacted as a third party this can be very frustrating and can also bring into your mind that your partner is not willing to let go of the past.

The danger of this frustration is that it can turn to animosity that can create problems in your relationship as it emerges across a range of issues – so the best way forward for you is to ‘gently’ have an open and honest conversation with your partner.

Seek to discover the underlying issue around the delay in the divorce being finalised and let her know how this delay is making you feel, let her know why it is important for the two of you to put this former relationship behind you, so you can both focus on the new relationship you are creating.

Remember that this is a supportive conversation, one where you are sharing how you feel, but also seeking to understand what your partner is going through and to discuss how you can support her to achieve the outcome that you both want.

Tread gently, be open, honest and supportive and together you will work through this issue and find a positive outcome.

Originally published as Dear Melissa: Ask your burning relationship questions now