How ‘dump him’ culture on TikTok is making dating harder for young people
For Sarah Jeavons, there’s one instant deal breaker on a first date. It comes as experts say young people are becoming “too picky” in relationships.
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From a sudden wave of disgust over how someone chews their food, to dumping your boyfriend for refusing to peel an orange – single young Aussies are taking “being picky” in relationships to the extreme.
But while we can all agree it’s important to be discerning in the dating scene, experts say the “dump him” culture rife on TikTok is a sign of younger generations searching for problems rather than fixing them.
Others boil it down to people being “far too easily offended” these days.
Either way – it’s rendered dating in 2024 a minefield of “icks”.
For the uninitiated, “the ick” is a Gen Z slang term referring to a visceral feeling of cringe towards the person you’re dating, putting you off them altogether.
Former SAS Australia contestant Sarah Jeavons, who runs online dating coach sessions for men, has a few dating icks of her own.
For Sarah, it’s messy cars, being too eager for intimacy, rudeness and bad kissing technique that send her running in the opposite direction.
The 28-year-old from Adelaide has noticed both through her clients and her own experiences that a “fear of commitment” is running rampant in the dating scene – not helped by the apps.
“There’s so many options and people kind of have one foot in and one foot out, or they’re on the fence and they’re always looking to see if there’s something better,” Ms Jeavons said.
She added that anecdotally, men fear rejection more than ever.
“A lot of guys are scared that even if they get that date, someone else might come along, and then (the woman) will be gone.”
It’s not just app dating where the problem of dismissive daters lies.
A casual scroll on TikTok will unearth dozens of “tests” to ensure your relationship is the real deal.
From the viral orange theory which saw women all over the world racing out to buy fruit to ask their partners to peel as a measure of their dedication, to asking your significant other if they would date other people if you broke up (the “correct” answer, of course, is that you will never break up).
Another – called the ketchup challenge – involves a woman squeezing tomato sauce onto a surface at random and asking her partner to clean it up to demonstrate men’s “weaponised incompetence” at such a simple task.
Naturally, anyone whose partner is seen to fail these tests is met with a chorus of “dump hims” from strangers on the internet.
Local relationship therapist Nicholas Purcell has had enough, telling The Advertiser he’s “frustrated” by the trends.
“Put your energy into being a better partner than undermining your relationship with trick questions, hypothetical situations and idiotic ideas that someone serving you is a good idea,” he said of “the orange test”, adding “you’re perfectly capable of peeling an orange yourself … Grow up.”
In his work, he commonly sees people “looking for ways to be offended”, noting now more than ever people seem to be adopting a “victim mentality”.
“It used to be you aggressively solved your problems or helped others, now sitting in victimhood is seen as acceptable and a place to be pitied,” he explained.
“People are looking for ways to be offended everywhere partly because they don’t know how to, or want to, take responsibility for their own life and relationships.”
He added while clients seem to be more aware of others than ever before, they are not necessarily more self-aware — which makes overcoming issues in a relationship near-impossible.
“I regularly see two people who both think they are the victim of the other but refuse to accept or even consider the idea that they have harmed their partner,” he shared.
“They accept their own victimhood because it makes them look good, but reject their own unpleasantness in relationships because they cannot tolerate the idea that they are equally unpleasant.”
So how is adopting a “victim mentality” ruining your chances at love?
“You spend your entire life searching for the diamond instead of realising that the diamond is created over time through pressure and effort,” Mr Purcell explained.
Similarly, dating coach Holly Bartter, who runs online dating support service Matchsmith, said she, too, has noticed clients becoming “on alert” for red flags.
“I think we’ve all witnessed relationships where one party ignores red flags for too long, and it can lead to heartbreak. Now we’ve gone the other direction and we’re on high alert,” she said.
“There’s overall less tolerance for any minor disrespect in the early days of dating, but this also means some people end up finishing a relationship before it even began,” she added, musing the reason people are quick to tap out of dating these days could be “a sign of the times”.
“Cost of living is rising, and for some people, dating feels like an inconvenience unless it’s really worthwhile so they are quick to cull and find the reasons to.”
While Ms Bartter concedes there may be a “level of avoidance” in some singles, limiting their ability to find connections altogether, her “golden rule” is simple: “Treat others as you wish to be treated”.
“I definitely have supported clients through some ‘deal breakers’ and helped them workshop if these checklists for potential partners actually serve them, or hinder their progress in finding love. Standards are great, but no one is perfect so being realistic is important,” she said.
“If you personally are happy to be held to a standard where you never display any ‘ick worthy’ behaviour — then perhaps you can justify being ruthless with your dating standards, but don’t dish it if you can’t take it,” she added.
Like Mr Purcell, she said relationships take work — and comparing your own to others on TikTok is never a good idea.
“There’s no ‘one size fits all’ for a healthy relationship,” Ms Bartter said, adding bringing any sort of “test” into the mix can foster toxic habits.
Suffice to say, tricking your partner with a piece of fruit is firmly on her “do not try at home” list.
“It can be fun to watch, but it can also be destructive — by creating trends of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ behaviour in relationships, we give others the playbook to potentially manipulate us.”
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Originally published as How ‘dump him’ culture on TikTok is making dating harder for young people
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