Relationship Rehab: ‘Unloved’ husband’s desperate plea

A “lonely” husband asks for help as his marriage deteriorates into a loveless existence.

I can only suggest Couples Therapy to help you work on this together. Picture: iStock

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie helps an ‘unloved’ man consider his options.

QUESTION: I’ve been with my wife for 10 years and we’ve always had a good relationship and sex life, although she has been less emotional and affectionate than me. But over time things have become much worse. Sex now is maybe once a fortnight, and often it’s ‘get straight to it’ without much foreplay, which is what she wants. She never hugs or kisses me, and hasn’t said anything nice about me for a long time either. She insists she’s happy and doesn’t need me to change anything. I’ve tried to tell her I feel lonely and unloved, but she denies the problems and sometimes gets upset. Now my thoughts drift to asking for an open marriage, or to even cheat or separate, but I don’t want to go down that road as I love her, and she says she still loves me too. What can we do?

Now my thoughts drift to asking for an open marriage, or to even cheat or separate. Picture: iStock

ANSWER: Your description of the relationship rings warning bells for me as a Couples Therapist. I don’t doubt you still love each other – lack of love is rarely the reason relationships end – but you’ll both need to make changes to stop the hurt and distance between you growing. If your wife is unwilling to acknowledge your pain, that may be easier said than done.

Signs that a relationship is in trouble

Relationship researchers have been able to discover what is common to relationships that break up – and what is common to those that stay happy.

It isn’t usually a lack of love that ends relationships, but several other factors that lead to a slow relationship breakdown.

You’ll both need to make changes to stop the hurt and distance between you growing. Picture: iStock

There are some warning signs that this relationship is in trouble:

• Feeling lonely in the relationship, which signals emotional disconnection

• Not feeling appreciated by your partner

• Feeling unloved

• Different needs for intimacy and affection

• Not feeling like your partner responds to your emotional needs

• Difficulty talking about the issues – and really understanding each other

All of these factors can be addressed, but it will take some effort.

Different relationship styles can be overcome

It sounds like you and your wife have different needs for intimacy and emotional connection, also known as your relationship style.

To be honest, I don’t believe your wife when she says she’s happy and there isn’t a problem. My educated guess is that she is also unhappy, but that her relationship style centres around avoidance.

It sounds like you and your wife have different needs for intimacy and emotional connection. Picture: iStock

People with this relationship style tend to avoid conflict (and avoid too much emotional intimacy). Avoiding difficult conversations and emotion is likely also why she dismisses your concerns about the relationship.

A difference in relationship styles isn’t uncommon in a relationship, but it can cause issues if you don’t take steps to understand each other and meet in the middle.

You need to work together for change

One person doing all the work to make changes in a relationship just doesn’t work. There’s limited difference you can make alone. You’ll likely end up feeling more hurt and burnt out from trying.

Given the current state of your relationship, I can only suggest Couples Therapy to help you work on this together.

I can only suggest Couples Therapy to help you work on this together. Picture: iStock

Get support for improving your relationship

Without therapy, you can inadvertently make things worse, because you continue to communicate in ways that hurt each other.

A good Couples Therapist can help you work through the challenges you’re facing in a strategic way – giving you tools and new ways of communicating together. Having a therapist present can also help you keep the conversation calm – preventing you from doing further damage to your relationship without meaning to.

Effective methods of couples therapy have a high success rate – it’s worth taking the time to find someone who feels like a good fit for both of you.

Share your concerns calmly

Consider having another (calm) conversation with your wife, or writing a letter to share your feelings.

Avoid blaming or criticising your wife. Instead focus on your emotions and needs.

You might say something like:

Our relationship means a lot to me. I’m really afraid right now of what will happen to us in the future. I need you to be willing to talk to me and take steps to address my concerns. Would you be open to us looking into Couples Therapy together?

I’m not sure, given your history, that she’ll listen – but you will know you’ve done everything you can.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

If you have a question for Isiah, email [e-mail]

Originally published as Relationship Rehab: ‘Unloved’ husband’s desperate plea