Relationship Rehab: Sex problem that’s ‘too hard’ to fix

They’re married and already have a baby with plans for another child – but there’s a glaring bedroom problem that’s standing in their way.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears from a woman who feels like her husband has become her housemate.

Question: I don’t have anything dramatic to share, but I do want some advice. My husband and I seem to have grown apart lately. We’ve been so busy with our now two-year-old and Covid and just life, we kind of feel more like housemates. It’s not bad. It’s just not really good either. I’m starting to think about wanting another baby, but I can’t see us doing that right now. When I’ve raised this with my husband, he has agreed. We tried to go on some date nights, but that was too hard, so we’ve just kind of given up. Everyone says it will get better, but it’s just hard right now.

Answer: Your story is similar to so many couples who end up in my office. They’re often surprised to be seeing me, they don’t have a bad relationship and still love each other, but feel disconnected and notice small disagreements building up.

We often have a belief that it takes big arguments or betrayals to end a relationship, but according to some statistics on reasons for divorce, 80 per cent of couples find they’ve simply ‘grown apart’.

Growing apart isn’t less painful than huge fights, because there is a series of small moments that hurt you over time. You can end up feeling lonely and confused about what to do.

By the time many couples see me, they wonder if it’s too late for their relationship – and you might be scared deep down of this too. Couples are often surprised at how small changes in their lives, and how they’re communicating with each other, can make a difference.

It sounds like you’ve had a lot to deal with over the past two years. Raising a child isn’t easy (especially in a pandemic) and can take its toll on a relationship. Your relationship can get put on the backburner while you take care of everything else. You having a strong relationship also benefits your child/ren. It’s worth making an effort for.

Keeping your relationship strong is like maintaining a garden. You can’t just plant it then forget about it, you have to consistently water it and pull out any weeds that grow.

Maintaining your relationship doesn’t need to take huge amounts of time. I know with a young child that won’t necessarily be possible. You can make change through small changes – and making the most of the time you do have together.

Here are some tips on how to reconnect when you feel more like housemates than lovers:

Acknowledge the distance

While it might be difficult, acknowledging the distance you feel can help make reconnecting a priority for both of you. Be sure to share without blame or criticism, but instead focus on your longing to feel closer again.

Make time for your relationship

We schedule things that are important to us. You need to make time for your relationship too. Even a few hours, spread across the week can make a difference. Set aside 20 minutes a day where you can connect and talk about how your day was – without TV or any distractions.

Bring back fun and playfulness

Fun and playfulness can get lost in the daily grind of life, but having fun together is an important part of bonding and desire. Consider making time for a regular date night – even if it’s at home. Find ways to bring a spirit of fun back into your interactions.

Share appreciation for each other

When you’re busy, communication can become about chores and logistics. We can forget to tell our partner what we love and admire about them. Sharing appreciation regularly builds connection and spark in your relationship. Even if you think your partner already knows – make a point to share one thing you appreciate about them every day.

What do you do when you and your partner feel more like roommates? Picture: Priscilla Du Preez/Unsplash

Learn to manage conflict well

I hear that you’re not arguing right now. Sometimes the challenge with this, especially if you’re growing apart, is that you can both stop sharing what’s on your mind or what you need to improve things.

You might let things go because you don’t want to start an argument, but find that underlying resentments build up over time. Learn ways to effectively share what’s on your mind.

Share physical touch daily

Couples who have a great intimate life are physically intimate every day. Take small moments to kiss each other hello or goodbye. Hug when you’re falling asleep or watching TV. Hold hands when you can. This helps you release oxytocin which helps you feel bonded and connected to each other.

Make intimacy a priority

Sex often doesn’t ‘just happen’ in a long-term relationship. You need to make it a priority to keep the spark alive. Make time for sex, try new positions, consider adding toys, keep it playful. If either one of you is struggling with desire, remember that desire is responsive and needs to be cultivated.

If you continue to struggle with this, consider reaching out to a couples therapist for support. Your relationship doesn’t need to be bad to benefit from support and guidance.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

Originally published as Relationship Rehab: Sex problem that’s ‘too hard’ to fix