Relationship Rehab: Boyfriend’s ‘shady’ habit baffles woman

They’ve had “ups and downs” but she still wants to take things to the next level – but her boyfriend won’t stop one habit that's raising red flags.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie hears about a person who wants their boyfriend to commit more – but is afraid he’s being “shady” instead.

QUESTION: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for three years. Like any couple, we’ve had our ups and downs. But now I’m ready to take things further and he still says he isn’t ready. We don’t live together, although we often stay at each other’s houses. Through Covid, he lost his job so I’ve been helping him financially. I pay for a lot of things and I think it makes sense for us to live together. I’d also like to meet more of his friends because he often goes out with them without me, but he tells me he needs his time alone too. Is his behaviour shady or is this all just normal in a relatively young relationship? What can I do to get him to commit more?

ANSWER: I’m concerned that your relationship is very unbalanced and seems to be meeting more of your boyfriend’s needs than yours right now. He gets all the perks of your support, but he doesn’t seem to offer much in return.

I want to address your second question first.

How can you get a man to commit?

You can find plenty of pop psychology advice that shares ways to make men commit. This advice tends to include working on making yourself more appealing, not putting pressure on a man, pulling back and not investing too much energy into the connection.

Little of this advice has grounding in research on long-term, successful relationships.

The myth that women want commitment and men resist it persists – and does many of us a great disservice.

The question, ‘How can I get someone to commit?’ is a misdirected question.

It essentially says that you’re responsible for your partner’s willingness and ability to commit. You’re not.

It’s not your job in a relationship to get someone ready for the kind of relationship that you want.

People who have the most difficulty committing to a relationship tend to have an Avoidant Attachment Style. Attachment style develops early in life and emerges from having caregivers that weren’t able to meet their needs. These people learn that it isn’t safe to rely on other people and go through life valuing their independence. This valuing of independence over a relationship continues as a theme even when people with this attachment style are in a relationship.

Other people may enjoy the support they get from being in a relationship but aren’t willing to accommodate someone else’s needs.

Again, let me stress that it isn’t your responsibility to change these traits, or to live with them.

The more helpful question to ask yourself is, ‘Can he offer me what I want and need in a relationship?’

It sounds like you’re wanting a committed partnership where you’re part of each other’s lives in a substantial way. You want to begin building a life together. That’s more than reasonable.

There is no perfect balance in a relationship of independence and connection. We all have different levels that work for us. What’s important in a relationship is how you navigate the needs you both have.

From what you’ve said, it doesn’t seem that your boyfriend is able to offer you what you want and need – and he may never be able to.

Although it may feel like there’s a lot in your relationship that works for you, fundamentally not having your needs to closeness and connection met will be difficult in the long term.

Is it a red flag if your boyfriend doesn’t want you to hang out with his friends? Picture: iStock.

Let me return to your other question ‘Is his behaviour shady?’

It’s reasonable that he wants time to himself and wants to hang out with his friends sometimes. It’s OK to need time to yourself, even when you’re in a relationship.

But when I look at the bigger picture of your relationship, the imbalance is clear.

He gets his needs met – and you don’t

You’re offering financial support to someone who isn’t showing that they’re committed to you through their words or actions.

Three years in, you’re still wanting to meet more of his friends which suggests that you’re not particularly included in his life. It’s understandable to want that at this point – and it concerns me that he hasn’t been willing to.

While you’re doing your best to be a supportive partner, he’s showing that he’s more focused on his own needs. This is likely to continue, even if you do manage to persist in dating him.

Your relationship isn’t entirely new at this point. If he isn’t sure that he’s ready for commitment with you at this point, I would consider moving on.

That’s my diplomatic way of saying he sounds selfish and is using this relationship to his advantage. Really consider letting him go (quickly) and moving on to someone who will value you and consider your needs in a relationship too.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

Originally published as Relationship Rehab: Boyfriend’s ‘shady’ habit baffles woman