Relationship Rehab: 35yo woman’s dating app despair

This singleton is “happy and healthy” – but facing a frustrating problem when it comes to dating that’s out of her control.

Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred. This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie tackles a single woman who worries her chances of having children are “fading away” because of the pandemic.

Question: I‘m a 35-year-old single woman who’s happy and healthy. Before the pandemic hit I’d been using dating apps to look for a partner to hopefully fall in love with and start a family. However, since March 2020 my life has been pretty much on hold. I live in Melbourne and my world has become very small. I work from home and only see one close friend. My dating apps are all but silent and I’m starting to lose hope. Is there anything I can do to meet ’the one’ during lockdown or should I just wait? My only worry is that I’m not getting any younger and my dream of having kids is fading away.

Answer: I’ve had many conversations with my friends and clients about very similar situations. I feel for you and I know many people are in the same boat.

Being single during a pandemic can feel lonely

Being single and in lockdown can feel particularly hard. Many of us have a feeling of isolation and loneliness. While you might hear your partnered friends talk about how much they’d like some time and space for themselves, for many single people, isolation is highlighting their longing to share their days and life with someone else.

The novelty of interacting online has worn off

In the first lockdown, it seems we all had more hope. Getting to know people via voice and video calls had an aspect of novelty to it. But I think we’ve now realised it doesn’t replace the time it takes to get to know someone in person. It’s also hard to maintain exciting conversation when your days can feel so monotonous.

It feels almost impossible to establish meaningful connections with new people and partners in the current situation.

Being single in a pandemic can feel particularly hard. Picture: Unsplash/Brooke Cagle.

Don’t lose hope

I wish I had some exciting suggestions for you to meet people, but aside from online events or dating apps, the reality is, there aren’t a lot of options in the current climate.

While it can seem like your dream is fading away, the reality is that there still are options for you. As much as it probably doesn’t feel like it right now, you won’t be in lockdown forever. Do your best to look forward to the future.

Use this time to work on yourself

I don’t mean for this to sound trite, because I honestly understand your longing for connection and the difficulties of being alone in lockdown, but you can still use this time to benefit you.

I’m seeing a lot of clients right now who are using this time to understand their unhelpful relationship patterns and learn new skills for healthy relationships.

If you don’t feel like doing any of that, don’t be hard on yourself. If you have motivation for anything in lockdown, let alone ‘self-improvement’, you’re doing well.

Take a break from the apps if you need to

‘Dating fatigue’ is real – even at the best of times.

Dating apps can be draining – especially when it feels like you’re not getting the matches you want or they’re not going anywhere. It can leave you feeling hopeless and depressed about the future.

To manage dating fatigue, it can be helpful to periodically take a break from the apps – even if it’s just for a few days or a couple of weeks. Most apps let you put them on snooze and delete them from your phone, but keep your data so they’re easy to reinstall.

This doesn’t mean you’re giving up on your dreams. Look at it as managing your energy during a difficult time.

Many people will want genuine connections when this is over

A healthy, loving relationships is still possible for you. There are many people in similar situations to you who are going to be looking for real, lasting in-person connections once this is over. Perhaps even with a renewed sense of just how important our relationships are.
If Covid has taught us one thing, it’s that everything can change really quickly. I hold hope that change can be for the better too.

Isiah McKimmie is a couples therapist, sexologist, sex therapist and lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.

Originally published as Relationship Rehab: 35yo woman’s dating app despair