Twin etiquette is a thing. Trust me, I've learned the hard way with my boys

"Twin parents get offended if their kids receive a joint gift - it's an example of just one major no no."

I read this post recently about whether it’s ok to invite one twin on a play date and not the other. It started me thinking about all of the situations we’ve encountered over the last 13 years with my twin boys.

The truth is that twin parents have different opinions about twin-etiquette so there are no hard and fast rules.

If you’ve been faced with a twin party or playdate dilemma, here are some of my personal thoughts about how to treat twins…

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Karen's twin boys. Source: supplied

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Should I invite both twins to my child’s party?

It all depends on the unique situation. There are a few questions to ask yourself before you start organising the event. 

Are both twins in the same class as your child? Are they part of the same friendship circle? Does your child even know the other twin? How will you deal with siblings in general at the party? Where is the party being held?

Is there a cap on numbers?

The answers to these will guide your decision. If they’re all part of the same friendship group or in one class together, invite both. If they don’t all know one another and spaces at the party are limited, just invite the twin your child is friends with.

If there are no limits to party numbers (say it’s a party at your house or at a park) and you’re going to allow siblings to come along, then invite the second twin even if you don’t know them.

As twin parents, we know more than anyone how expensive parties can be and how precious those 10 spots at the play centre/trampoline park are, so a double-invite to a party isn’t expected.

We’ve always encouraged our boys to make their own friends and gain some independence from one another. Receiving their own invitations to go places is part of growing up and being their own person.

When one was invited somewhere and the other wasn’t, it gave me a chance to enjoy some one-on-one time with the other child which was a rare treat, so receiving separate invites had benefits too.

Karen knows twin-life. Source: supplied

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How many cards and gifts should twins give and receive?

This is a hot topic for twin parents and some people have strong opinions on it!

For me personally, if both of my boys are invited to a birthday party for a single child, they take a gift from each of them. They have each been invited as individuals, so I feel it’s only fair we take a gift each rather than giving one gift as a family.

If our whole family is invited to a party as a group, we take one gift from our family. If our twins are invited to a party for twins, we would take one gift for each twin (not four gifts as that feels like overkill but I do know some people who do that!)

When it comes to our twins’ birthday parties, generally most people buy our boys a gift each and that is appreciated.

I know some twin parents who get very offended if their kids receive a joint gift, and I know others who take one joint family gift from both twins to a party for a single child. As I said, there are no fixed rules, just different opinions about what is fair and expected.

Do I need to invite both twins on a play date even though they aren’t all friends?

Again, this depends on a few things. Maybe they aren’t friends because they don’t know one another (because one twin is in a different class), so bringing them all together might be fun. If they aren’t friends by choice, or they have nothing in common with the other twin, then there is no need to feel you have to invite both to a play date.

Bringing together three kids where one doesn’t quite fit in can ruin a play date. We’ve had play dates where two kids wanted to play one thing and the other twin wasn’t interested and wanted to do something else. Then you end up with one kid feeling left out.

It’s much better to have play dates with kids that are friends.

Sometimes though, as a busy mum it was handy to drop them both at a play date so I could do some chores solo. Although then this becomes more about helping out a fellow parent than a play date!  

Talk to your child to try to get a handle on how the friendship between the kids looks, and also consider talking to the parent about it. They will know if one child might be offended or upset by being left out, and they can help decide on the best way to manage things.

Karen has learned about raising twins through trial and error. Source: supplied

Leaving a twin out is hard but it’s a learning experience

I clearly remember the first time I had to drop one child off at a kindy event and walk away with the other (who was sick and wasn’t able to go). Both of my boys cried about being separated, and I almost did too. Thankfully, separating them gets easier as they get older!

Encouraging twins to spend time apart can be challenging as they’re used to sharing everything. It’s all part of growing up though, and it’s exciting for them to navigate their own friendships and have their own experiences without the other around.

As twin parents, we work hard to get people to see our kids as individuals rather than as ‘the twins.’ Not only that, we also want our kids to realise they’re amazing, unique people on their own right too – they don’t only exist as half of a pair.

Embracing their separateness and encouraging others to treat them as individuals can only be a positive thing, but if you’re ever in doubt, ask the twin parent. We don’t bite, and usually we’re trying to work out the best way to handle things just like you so we can figure it all out together!

Originally published as Twin etiquette is a thing. Trust me, I've learned the hard way with my boys