'To the mums of neurodivergent kids at the shops, I see you'

"I know that look on your face. I know you're leaving in a hurry, because I do that too."

Dear mum at the shops who is leaving in a rush, clutching her little one’s hand.

I know that look on your face. I know it well. I also know the one on your child’s. The one that says, ‘Thank goodness she’s getting me out of here’. Some environments are just too overwhelming for our little loves and sometimes, they are for us too.

We can’t help but FEEL our kids.

Responding to their heightened emotions or senses, sometimes even before they do.  As you are right now.

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I want to high-five you and say you're an incredible mother, although I am sure at this moment you might not be feeling it.

You might think you’re just running away, too.

The burn of judgemental eyes by those who DO NOT UNDERSTAND your child is neurodivergent, not ‘naughty’, or ‘needing a good smack’, has raised your heart rate.

I know you probably haven’t gotten all on your shopping list. Chances are you’ve abandoned the trolley even before getting to the checkout. But in doing so, you’ve put your child first, as you always do. Right now he just needs his mum to read him and to act. 

And you are. 

Image: iStock

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You stare past me as we pass each other and I know you are on a mission to get to the car.

Soon you will be driving home in silence, hoping the gentle hum of the engine soothes away the bright lights, noises and business of the last little while. Hoping it’s enough to restore calm so the rest of the day is easier for you both.

But I know as much as you do, that this will be short-lived. There will be another meltdown. Maybe not today but probably tomorrow.

I know the feeling of walking on eggshells in your own home, too. I also understand that your mum-heart aches.

You worry about the future and all the ‘things’ your child needs to grasp, so this neurotypical world doesn’t hurt them too much. But you can see it already is, and so you work on trying to make your kid strong and resilient when really, we need the world to become softer and kinder.

I feel your exhaustion, too. The constant trying to always help, guide, find therapies and go to said therapies, not to ‘fix’ your kid (they are not broken or sick!) but to ‘equip’ them and help them.

I also know you are a bit broken by all of this. It’s disheartening when you realise some things take more from your child than give to them. So you decide is it worth it? Sometimes it isn’t and that is OK.

You are a great mum. So yes, I get that your parenting journey is tricky. There are boulders to climb and raging rivers to cross, when others appear to have mere stones to kick out of the way and puddles to jump.

But I also know you wouldn’t have it any other way.  Because …

The thing those with kids who don’t have any ‘challenges’ don’t realise is, that this precious kiddo of yours is perfectly ‘them’.

The way they think, process, learn and behave is intrinsic to who they are. And my goodness, how you adore who they are! 

Yes, their brain ticks differently, and the world still needs to catch up on how awesome that truly is, but oh my, what a brain! What a kid. You are astounded most days. Proud. Blown away!

Hyperfocus is an incredible gift, and something not many have in this life. To be able to become an expert in something simply because you dedicate all of your brain power to it is a skill. Having heightened sensory perception is also a gift - those in the artistic and musical worlds agree.

And for those who are ‘too energetic’ or ‘too distracted’, being able to jump into something with enthusiasm and gusto, when overthinking holds others back, can be a very good thing in life.

Neurodiversity is like a giant bumper pack of textas with ALL the colours, including 10 different shades of just blue. Not merely the predictable primary ones that are most recognised and celebrated.  You see that and adore this clever, quirky, different in the best way, spectacular kid! 

I know you love your child fiercely, protectively and like most parents, more than you ever imagined was possible.

But loving a neurodivergent kid (or any kid who doesn’t fit the mould for that matter) is parental love on steroids, it has to be.

You need to be an advocate for your child and fight for them in a world that still needs to become more inclusive. To embrace difference and to see how beautiful a picture with ALL the colours is, not just the standard ones. 

The love you feel for your wonderfully and perfectly neurodivergent kid fuels you to be everything they need. And you are.

So mum in the shops leaving in a hurry, I want you to know I see you. I feel you. I understand you.

Originally published as 'To the mums of neurodivergent kids at the shops, I see you'