I’m worried for my daughter - she 'just' wants to be a stay-at-home mum

“She wants to be married by 25 with at least 2 children, with her husband making all of the decisions for the household."

Jordana Shell

4 min read

October 16, 2023 - 12:13PM

Parenting

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A mother has raised concerns about her daughter's career goals and aspirations in an online parenting group.

The worried mum writes: “She has no real career aspirations, she plans to work with children in some capacity until she marries, when she then plans to stay at home. She doesn’t seem interested in university, either.”

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"She's changing her name to a more feminine one"

The mother classifies her daughter as “old fashioned” and doesn't know where she has got her traditional ideals from, given the house she grew up in wasn't like that.

“She is in the process of changing her name to a traditional feminine one, as she has never liked her unisex name since she was little.”

It isn’t that her daughter hasn’t thought about her future, it’s that her mother doesn’t agree with her intended trajectory.

“She wants to be married by 25 with at least 2 children, with her husband making all of the decisions for the household,” the mother's concerns continue.

“She hopes for her marriage to involve her husband taking care of her and her children financially, while she stays home to care for them, raising her children in the church and she doesn’t exactly want a small family, three minimum and seven maximum.”

Mother doesn't want her daughter to only be a stay-at-home-mum. Source: iStock

"She has no plans if anything goes wrong"

Her daughter's ultimate aspiration is to be a stay-at-home (SAHM), something that her mother wanted advice on. While she doesn’t see anything wrong with choosing to stay home with her children, she is worried that her daughter isn’t thinking about the possibility of being a single mother, with no university education or skills.

“She has no plans for if anything goes wrong, as she expects her marriage to last forever. She has met a man in church who is three years older than her, incredibly wealthy and wants a family young. They’re just talking at the minute,” the mother writes.

“I don’t know what to say to her if I’m being honest. I can’t see many marriages in her generation lasting for multiple reasons, and I’m not too sure if she’ll even be able to find the man she thinks she will. It all just sounds so unrealistic in this day and age, nobody that we know of has this type of marriage, everything is split equally, even in mine.”

The “#tradwife” movement is on the rise, with an intro of a new group of influencers on both TikTok and YouTube. It has contributed to the wave of reverting back to traditional household ideals.

Support her, while still advising her

There was no shortage of opinions from the online forum. Mostly in the hopes that her daughter would opt in for higher education, even if eventually she is at home with her own children.

“I mean, she's an adult, she gets to make her own decisions… But I would tell her that working with children will often still require a higher education. Maybe put it in the context of also learning to take care of her own future children," one person wrote.

“Yes this would be a good way to give her a safety net. Or you should try to convince your daughter to take early childhood education classes. Teaching is a traditionally feminine job, especially the younger age group.

"You can present it as an idea of you embracing her choice and tell her how taking these courses will help her be a better SAHM. Hopefully she can come to reality in college. She might not listen to you but she's more likely to listen to her peers," said another parent.

Tradwife is on the rise thanks to influencers on TikTok and Youtube. Source: iStock

"The difference between leading and dominating"

Others were quick to point out that it’s okay to let her make her own decisions, but did comment that it’s best to guide her in regards to being independent over a dominated housewife.

“My biggest fear is that she’ll find a man that WANTS to dominate the household. Talk to her about the difference between leading and dominating. Her ideal is beautiful if actualized with a kind, humble man.

'But she needs to know how scary being powerless can be. Like, what would she do if her husband acted nice until they marry then turned out to be a horrible tyrant (which I know people this has happened to)? Sadly, she needs a game plan before starting down that road."

Another concerned commenter added, “Help her. It’s okay that she has different values and that can be scary as a parent. Teach her how to protect herself in that situation. Some emergency cash, having a backup skill set in case her husband gets ill, becomes disabled or dies.

"A prenup can protect her too. Talk to her about the realities of having children and when she’s ready for kids, talk to her about being kind to herself and that it’s okay to take a break. Talk to her about what a healthy relationship is to her. How she’ll approach problem-solving, family budgeting, managing domestic labour.

"Most importantly love her unconditionally. Tell her you’ll always be there for her."

And this SAHM spoke from her experience:

“There is nothing wrong with staying home to take care of children, if that is what she wants. There is nothing wrong with traditional family structure if that is what she wants.

"I'd only be worried about a man treating her badly. I have a traditional family structure in that my husband works and I stay home. I do most of the housework and childminding. BUT he does not have a sexist attitude about it and supports me in things like writing my books, working out, and getting more education.

"He also is perfectly happy to do the work of the house and contribute to the child's work when he is home to do so."

What would you advise your daughter? Tell us in the comments on Facebook!