'I share my kids 50/50 with my ex. He’s a hero. I’m judged'

“You can call me a bad mum all you want. But I look at my girls and they’re thriving. That’s all the proof I need.”

When Lucy tells people her daughters are with their dad this week, she braces for the reaction.

“It's usually 99.9% of the time always met with, 'That's so amazing that he takes them 50% of the time,’” Lucy told Kidspot. 

“There's never, 'It's so amazing that you have your children 50% of the time.' I've never once had that ever.”

Lucy shares 50/50 custody of her daughters with their dad. Image: Supplied

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“We both made these children.”

The Perth mum shares custody of her two daughters equally with their dad, but says society isn’t always kind about it.  

She’s noticed a glaring gender double standard. Hands-on dads are hailed as heroes, but mums in the exact same arrangement are seen as selfish, absent, or even unfit.

“When two people decide to have a child together, it's always then just put on the mum. It's mum who’s going to have maternity leave, mum's going to stay at home, mum's going to struggle and dad goes to work and pays the bills,” she explains.

“It’s not dad brings home the bacon and mum changes the nappies anymore.”

She meets bold assumptions constantly. People accuse her of not wanting to be a mum, or of forcing their father to share the kids 50/50. 

But in Lucy’s co-parenting agreement with her ex, one thing is clear: the responsibility is shared.

“Just because I gave birth to them does not mean that I do everything,” she said. 

“We both made these children.”

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But Lucy says the pressure isn’t just social. When it comes to parenting and employment, mothers are expected to bend. Fathers are given a pass.

“Women are expected to have flexible work to be able to look after the kids. But men or dads are not expected to have that,” she said.

She believes that’s part of why many co-parenting arrangements see dads only taking their kids every other weekend. 

Fathers, she says, often aren’t encouraged, or even allowed, to restructure their work around parenting the way mothers are.

For her ex, it was fortunately easier than most. 

“His employer was like, ‘You know what? I'm a dad too. I completely get this. Let's see if we can work something out.’ And I really admire his employer for doing that,” Lucy explained. 

Now, they’ve found a rhythm. Lucy handles the admin, such as swimming lessons, school, doctors’ appointments. Their dad covers the physical stuff.  

“50/50 doesn’t necessarily look like, ‘I’ll teach one child to ride a bike and you teach one child to ride a bike.’ It’s knowing the other person’s strengths and going, ‘Okay, this is what I’ll do, and this is what you’ll do,’” she explained. 

It’s not always easy. Letting her kids go every other week is painful. She’s had to accept their routines are different at dad’s, and learn to trust his parenting.

"He is their dad and he will do things completely different to me, but that doesn't mean he's doing the wrong thing. It's just we're different,” she said.

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"Don't enter the competition"

And of course, she misses them. But Lucy refuses to put her emotions above their comfort, knowing a phone call would soothe her more than it would help them.

“Of course I want to know what they’re up to... But that's a me thing,” she explained. 

While Lucy and her ex have found a system that works, she knows not every co-parenting arrangement is as balanced. 

She says she’s often contacted by dads who claim they want more time with their children but haven't done the work.

“I’m like, okay… but what processes have you been through? One guy said, ‘Well, I just asked.’ And I was like, right, well… you’re obviously not trying hard enough,’” she explained. 

“If you really wanted your kids 50% of the time, and you're safe, you live close to their school, you've got a suitable home and flexible work there's absolutely no reason why you couldn't. You just need to fight harder.”

At the same time, she says some mothers actively block equal parenting out of fear of competition. 

"Don't enter the competition. Just don't entertain it. Don't enter it. Like, don't don't turn up in the ring," she said. 

And for Lucy, that’s what it all comes back to.

““You can call me a bad mum all you want. But I look at my girls and they’re thriving. That’s all the proof I need,” she said.

Originally published as 'I share my kids 50/50 with my ex. He’s a hero. I’m judged'