Yes, you can celebrate your kid's party with your ex

“There were times when I honestly thought we’d never be able to communicate effectively, let alone co-parent in a healthy way.”

Jade Pledger still remembers the early days of separation. 

Just before their daughter turned one, she and her ex called it quits. Emotions were running high, and there was an overwhelming fear that things might never improve.

“We struggled to agree on almost anything,” the Perth mother told Kidspot. 

“There were times when I honestly thought we’d never be able to communicate effectively, let alone coparent in a healthy way.” 

It took a lot of boundary setting to make things easier. Image: Supplied.

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"We made a conscious effort to come together"

But there was one key thing they made their Switzerland: birthdays.

“Even during times when communication between us wasn’t the easiest, we made a conscious effort to come together and make our daughter’s birthday special,” she explained. 

Still, it took a lot of effort, boundary setting and consistency to make things easier over time.

Around her daughter’s second birthday, Jade decided to begin studying reiki (a Japanese technique for stress reduction) and holistic counselling. 

“The focus was always on what would make her happiest" 

“I was really feeling the weight of being a solo parent and our communication was only getting more strained. I feel like we were both holding onto a lot of resentment and I realised something had to change,” she said. 

“I wanted to learn better ways of communicating and moving through the pain of the separation, not just for me, but for the sake of our daughter.” 

It led her to reset,and refocus on what truly mattered: her daughter. And slowly but surely, things began to improve.

“We communicate well, we’re respectful of each other’s roles and our daughter gets to benefit from two parents who are working together, even if we’re no longer a couple,” she said. 

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When it came to birthdays, Jade and her ex had a clear game plan.

“We would typically sit down and discuss what kind of party she wanted that year, whether it was a play centre, a backyard gathering or something more low-key,” Jade explains. 

“The focus was always on what would make her happiest. We’d split the costs evenly and share the planning responsibilities to make it as smooth as possible.”

Now, she’s experiencing moments she never dreamed possible back when their relationship ended.

“Currently we are on a holiday in Bali for her seventh birthday. We don’t want our relationship status to stop her having the best experiences because of us,” Jade explained.  

Jade wanted to ensure her daughter's memories weren't collateral to her damaged relationship. Image: Supplied

"If it meant putting on a brave face for a few hours, I did it"

According to family therapist Dr Darleen Barton, Jade isn’t the only success story and there are many more to come, if co-parents remember one thing.

“Children learn far more from what they observe than from what they are told,” she told Kidspot. 

Setting a healthy example, especially around big moments like birthdays, can have a lasting impact on a child’s emotional development.

“The key is to gently shift the focus from how we feel about each other to what this day means to our child,” she advises. 

“If it is emotionally safe and manageable, co-hosting a celebration can offer the child a sense of unity and consistency. However, in many cases, it may be more appropriate and emotionally safer to hold separate celebrations… especially when tension between co-parents still exists.” 

Rather than dismissing emotions, Dr Barton says parents should meet them with self-compassion.

“Children do not need their parents to be close friends. What they do need is to see that adults can move through difficult circumstances with maturity, calm, and respect,” she said. 

For Jade, the turning point came when she began working on her own emotional wellbeing and from there, everything started to shift.

“I put my daughter’s needs first. If it meant putting on a brave face for a few hours, I did it. Because she deserves that.” 

Originally published as Yes, you can celebrate your kid's party with your ex