Kids' sports coaches, you have one job - and it isn't to win

"It’s hard to see a lesson in leaving any kid who wants to play sitting on the bench for 80 percent of a game."  

I could see it in his face from across the room. My son and his mates had just joined a new basketball league in Sydney’s east. Well into the first half of their first game he was still on the bench, along with two others. His excitement was beginning to turn.

The second half was worse. He didn’t get onto the court until the final few minutes of the game, when the opposing team was up by more than 10 points, and it was clear the chances of victory had vanished.

Disappointed for him, I spoke to the coach afterwards. Having been a volunteer in another sport I was wary of coming off as a pushy parent, but I also wanted to understand his approach.

Was there a deliberate strategy I’d missed?

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"I realised his thinking was mistaken"

In this level, under 12, games are played over two 20-minute halves. With nine players, dividing equally, each would be on court for roughly 22 mins. So, an equitable range might be somewhere between 10 and 30 mins each.

My son’s own game was falling well below that.

The coach’s answers boiled down to ‘my job is to win’ and ‘if he wants more game time, he needs to get better’.

Rather than risk being thought of as unreasonable, I let it go. It was only on reflection I realised how mistaken his thinking was. 

We’d chosen this particular league because the boys had been lacking competition elsewhere. Having picked up basketball as neighbours during the COVID lockdowns they were 18 months into playing and needing a challenge.

While my son and his friends are competitive and like to win, this was not a representative league. There were no try-outs and teams were not formally graded. All that was needed to play was to pay the $600 fee. 

Paul McKeon and his son Image: Supplied

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"He knows he's not the strongest player"

I’m not one to argue it’s necessary for every player to get equal time. My son is also self-aware enough to know he’s not the strongest player and he always wants his team to win. But it’s hard to feel pride in a result you’ve played little part in.

When I relayed our experience to others they were sympathetic, especially his teammate’s parents. But I was also second-guessing myself. The coach clearly wasn’t 100 percent wrong. Winning isn’t everything but it is not nothing either. Was I wrong?

Then I remembered my own experience.

In four years as a volunteer AFL coach and team manager I probably fielded teams in at least 100 games and watched as many more. I can barely remember the results of most of them. What stands out now most clearly is the experience of seeing the kids grow.

I learned too.

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Early in my second year I reached a low point. Three games into the season we suffered a crushing defeat. Late that night, as I typed my post-game report to their parents, I was ready to resign.

“You had one job,” I told myself.

But a funny thing happened. The next week, those same boys bounced back and played their best game of the season. The resilience those nine-year-olds showed taught me that coaching, and sport in general, is about more than winning.

Of course, we want our coaches to push players. So, this is not to suggest wrapping kids in cotton wool. One of the lessons of a semi-contact sport like basketball is that sometimes you’re going to get physically hurt or hurt someone else. There are lessons worth learning in those experiences.

It’s also not to suggest protecting them from unpleasant experiences. As I discovered, the best lessons often come when you lose. I think the bravest thing sportspeople do is to walk onto the court, pitch or field knowing only one team will walk off the winner.

My experience of coaching taught me that in most kids’ sport, the goal isn’t shown in the final result. The scoreboard is simply a measure of how well you and the team have dealt with the hand you’ve been given on that day; and it’s not the reason to play.

In part, kids' sport is about fostering what academics call ‘pro-social’ behaviours. Organisational psychologist, Adam Grant, author of Hidden Potential, describes this as “the desire to benefit others or expend effort out of concern for others”. 

You and I might call it being a good sport.

"These games aren't about representing Australia"

Contrary to what our natural instincts might tell us at first, the number one job of a good coach in kids’ sport, at least in non-representative competitions where parents are paying for the experience, is to develop the players and team to reach their best.

After all, even a poor coach can win with a team of champions. I should know, I did it in my first year when my team was made-up primarily of the sons of the other coaches; the kids who wanted to play an extra game each Saturday. I felt like the G.O.A.T.!

And, of course, it is easy to get caught up with the desire to win. Coaches are often young people themselves. They may have been great players too. Having been a young man myself once I know it’s difficult to appreciate you might still have things to learn.

But if we remember the coach is the adult in the room and, as we constantly hear, performance in sport is 90 percent mental, it’s hard to see a beneficial lesson in leaving any kid who wants to play sitting on the bench for 80 percent of a game.

It should be obvious really. Coaching isn’t about winning. These games aren’t about representing Australia. While there may be a nice keepsake for the winners at the end of season, the result has no lasting impact beyond bragging rights.

What does last are the kids’ memories of how they were treated and what they learned. In my own coaching days, my best measure for how well we’d done each season was how many kids came back the following year and brought their friends along to join. 

That’s winning in my book.

Originally published as Kids' sports coaches, you have one job - and it isn't to win