Criminals rate their NSW jails in bizarre online reviews

Supposed inmates have flooded Google reviews with tongue-in-cheek comments about their time in the clink, rating each NSW jail.

From getting “free food” to having “a great place to self-isolate,” supposed former inmates have had their say on NSW’s most notorious prisons in a series of outlandish online reviews.

They are designed to contain convicted murderers, sex offenders and bank robbers, but it seems even crooks have high standards for prisons, according to the Google reviews from those who claim to have done time.

While the quality of bedding and cafeteria food might differ across jails, there’s one complaint inmates agree on — and that’s that prisons are easy places to get into, but hard places to get out of.

One supposed prisoner had an overwhelmingly positive experience at Silverwater.

SILVERWATER PRISON ★★★½

The maximum security prison may have housed some of the state’s most notorious criminals, including Sef Gonzales and Kathlene Folbigg, but according to one former prisoner it’s not such a bad place to be.

“This place is good to stay at! The bunk beds were clean, toilet wine was excellent and the guards were very friendly, the showers was my favourite experience here. Also the cafeteria meat loaf was dry and kind of bland over all a pretty good stay!,” they said.

Another was impressed by the gym that: “will have you looking like Arnold in no time.”

A shortage of entertainment was the biggest drawback for another supposed prisoner who wrote: “It’s pretty boring, every now and then there is a bashing and that’s what keeps me entertained.”

“Great place to self-isolate,” said another.

The lack of entertainment at Silverwater was an issue for some.

One supposed inmate enjoyed the egg salad sandwich, while another complained about the “dry” apple pie.

Another commended the jail for its lax security claiming: “best jail in the system, tennis balls flying over the wall everyday.”

For many, the biggest downside was that you couldn’t leave: “Its [sic] really hard to get out but easy to enter please fix this.”

LITHGOW CORRECTIONAL COMPLEX ★★★

The maximum security prison for men was labelled “good value for money” but criticised for its “rude and mildly unfriendly” staff.

“At no fault of the centre, the other guests were also quite rude,” one person said.

Another supposed inmate boasted about their prison break: “I can’t believe I escaped the security was pretty good.”

“Was pretty good until I dropped the soap, the rest of the experience was painful,” said another.

LONG BAY CORRECTIONAL CENTRE ★★★★

The south Sydney prison has the second-highest rating in NSW, with supposed prisoners commending its “value for money.”

Long Bay fared well for some supposed prisoners.

“Had great service, nice and comfortable but for some reason they didn’t want me to leave,” one user said.

The highlight for another supposed prisoner was leaving the complex: “Perfect place, perfect staff, when you get out of the walls, the guards play spotlight and nerf wars with you”

“Good stay even tho (sic) I got stabbed,” said another.

GOULBURN CORRECTIONAL CENTRE ★★★★

For some supposed prisoners, the service was so impressive that they didn’t want to leave: “I came for the crime, stayed for the crime.”

“Upon entering, I received cool apparel to wear with the other hotel goers.

“We had strange gatherings in the main lobby early each morning.

“The bunk bed was okay, found a dead rat in my pillow … I did unfortunately get stabbed once or twice and lost me appendix,” said one.

Another wasn’t impressed by the quality of their stay. “Worst hotel ever the staff are rude the beds are hard and they make you use their communal showers … would not recommend.”

“Great views of the wall,” remarked another.

Some of the prisoners didn’t like the fact Mary Wade Correctional Centre was os hard to get out of.

MARY WADE CORRECTIONAL CENTRE ★★★★★

The female-only prison has the highest rating in the state, receiving a glowing five stars.

One user noted it was “bloody hard to get in to but is worth the effort.

“Free accommodation!”

Another complained that it was impossible to leave.

“Once inside they don't let you go outside for some reason,” they wrote.

Corrective Services NSW declined to comment