Why monogamy is impossible

If you have a happy marriage and are convinced your spouse would never cheat, well done. But my work has taught me you are very much in the minority, writes Samantha X.

Documentary maker Louis Theroux has declared monogamy “boring”. Picture: supplied

Monogamy is boring, says my celebrity crush documentary maker Louis Theroux, when plugging his new documentary Love Without Limits.

Boring? Try bloody impossible. Here is my version of the traditional (and outdated) marriage vows:

To have and to hold, (you sleep on your side, I sleep on mine. DO NOT touch me, I have a headache — again), through richer and poorer (unless we need to sell the house due to your gambling), through sickness and through health (don’t get too fat, and if you snore, I’m sleeping in the spare room), to love and to cherish (I love you but I am not IN love with you, but I can’t afford to divorce you and we both know we’re both staying for the kids.)

Hey — don’t shoot the messenger! If you’re one of the few who has a very happy marriage and is 110 per cent convinced your wife/husband has not and would never look elsewhere, then well done. You are in the minority.

Louis Theroux’s latest documentary Love Without Limits examines how some people are leaving monogamy behind. Picture: supplied

But if you are a normal person in a normal marriage, you get my drift. No one gets married thinking they’re going to stray, but then five, ten, 15 years pass. We change. I know I am not the same person I was at 20 at 40, and neither is your partner.

And now, with modern technology in 2018, you can order sex just as quickly as Uber Eats, and suddenly, monogamy becomes even more impossible: for men AND women.

As an escort, I’ve been hearing the same woes from my married clients.

My wife has lost interest in sex.

My wife has lost interest in me.

I am only staying for the kids.

I feel like a cash machine.

And so it goes on …

One client told me his wife had put on too much weight. He was obese himself. “Have you looked at the mirror mate?” I wanted to say. Instead I took his money and smiled sweetly.

Working as an escort has taught me how many married men stay in unhappy marriages but cheat. Picture: supplied

Another was a young buck who was getting married the following day. “I’ll stop all of this nonsense when I’m married,” he assured me. Or was he trying to reassure himself?

I am madam to my escort agency Samantha X Angels and I always tell my girls as long as men keep getting married, we will always be in business.

I have a theory that men rarely leave marriages unless they have something or someone to go to. They bury their heads in the sand, see escorts or have affairs, drink too much or are always in the office. Women on the other hand take a few years to mull it over, before leaving. Men know they can’t be faithful, hence the sex industry exists will always exist and has always existed.

So is marriage realistic in 2018? In the past, people got married for religious reasons or for the dowry.

In 2018, women want the wedding day and men want a wife. But how realistic is the old wedding vow “til death do us part” and with sex being offered to men and women at the flick of a button, are we just setting ourselves up for “failure?”

Sometimes when I am feeling lonely, I think how nice it would be to have that special someone in my life, “to have and to hold”. Then my phone rings and it’s another miserable married man on the line who is staying with his wife who probably can’t stand him, til death do let them off the hook.

And suddenly, I am reminded as to why I have three adorable, sloppy, smelly dogs instead.

Samantha X is an escort, author, madam and columnist.