Why do parents think it’s OK to abuse teachers?
WHEN a principal has to remind parents to be civil to teachers, helicopter parenting has gone too far. Your kid isn’t always right, and you are not a school’s customer, writes Louise Roberts.
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THE principal of an elite Sydney school this week became an unlikely lightning rod for exasperation across the city at the entitlement and rudeness seeping into every crevice of society.
And by way of comparison, by the time you are reading this, you have probably been cut off in traffic, sneered at, ignored, pushed in on or whinged at and generally left bewildered by someone who reasonably should not have an issue with you, except that you happened to be there.
But Dr John Collier, who runs the $32,000 a year independent St Andrew’s Cathedral School, has put the blowtorch to the lack of civility across all demographics, even though he was originally giving a dressing down to a small group of parents.
In his newsletter, Collier said the school’s culture, which had always been one of “gracious engagement”, was splintering. The damage was being wreaked by a minority, he said, but enough of a disgrace for his missive to be front page news. That’s because we identify with it — life seems ruder than ever.
Paying thousands in fees does not entitle parents to abuse teachers and treat them like servants, he reminded them.
That today’s mums and dads, who think hitting their child rearing KPIs means never upsetting the golden child, needed this lesson from a school principal speaks volumes.
But don’t we believe that entitlement is our right in modern society, as essential to our pumped-up selves as oxygen and water?
Surely it can be argued that We Deserve It mantra is merely a by-product of our tall poppy syndrome — we should able to complain and not be criticised for it.
Don’t abuse teachers or principals or anyone else in authority, of course. But it does raise the issue that potentially some parents believe their concerns about their child’s education are not being heard and they get cranky as a result.
Undoubtedly, a decline in civility chokes us at every recent turn, no less modelled by our so-called political leaders and sports “heroes”.
While Collier’s missive was filtering through to blue ribbon inboxes, ex footballer turned “nice guy” commentator Barry Hall was meanwhile putting the “c” in crudeness.
At the same time, our so-called leaders continue to spew bile at each other. Exhibit A: David Leyonhjelm.
Principal Collier’s letter offered some fascinating anecdotes including a middle school parent who “said to me that he knew the thirteen staff members who had observed his daughter committing an offence were all lying, as his daughter said she was innocent.”
“It is very hard to make progress with this level of unreality,” was Collier’s droll and depressingly accurate summation of Prince and Princess Pushy Parent.
He continued: “In my 28 years (so far) as a Head of School, I have noticed a considerable increase in parental anxiety. This may reflect increasing anxiety in society generally. It also seems to indicate a forensic focus on the present, often without the perspective of the long view.”
Parents are telling their kids they can do anything, pursue their dreams and be whatever they want. Teachers I know say, as a result, what has crept in by stealth is a new type of behaviour with ego-driven expectations.
I wonder how these parents navigated primary school, and whether their complaining was allowed to run unfettered or whether it coincided more with their child hitting the bumpy road of adolescence.
They lash out against their child’s educators because they want to score cheap brownie points and let their child know that they are on their side.
Because that’s what is important, right?
Sure, there are times when a parent needs to advocate for their child, and step in if there is a legitimate need to protect but other times it is just as important to step back and let them learn a life lesson.
Kids need to make mistakes and cop the consequences without their hypervigilant parents hovering, ready to blindly defend their every move, regardless of right or wrong.
A young person needs to develop the self-awareness and resilience needed to make their own good decisions, without their parents hijacking that process.
Perhaps this is also where the seeds of entitlement are sown. Who can blame children for thinking that all good things will come to them, regardless of whether they work hard, have patience or determination?
It doesn’t matter how badly they behave or how little they work, their trusty parent will always ensure the reward is there, on a shiny silver platter.
For many parents, their actions are borne of love, and the overwhelming need to protect their child.
But the reality is, there comes a point where every parent has to have faith in their child to let go, just a little. To let them make their mistakes, to struggle, and even to fail. It is our job to support them, love them unconditionally, celebrate their wins and commiserate their losses — and keep them safe.
But as another teacher friend of mine says in schools now, the customer is always right. The number rule is don’t upset the parents. And she teaches year 2.
“Parents today will not hesitate to criticise teachers and we tend to cop it because we are effectively marketing a product — our school,” she said.
It used to be that the term Millennials and entitled behaviour went together like the partnership of ham and cheese.
Yet these bossy parents obviously grew up with teachers who ruled the roost.
So what has happened — have we really killed authentic and effective parenting in one generation?