Breakups can’t be bitter when kids are involved
NO matter how furious a divorcee might be at their ex, that anger has to take a back seat to their needs of their children, writes Sarrah Le Marquand.
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IT’S not the sort of romanticised parenting analogy you’ll read on the greeting cards in a maternity ward gift shop, but the decision to have a baby with someone is akin to jumping out of a plane.
No-one can predict exactly what will unfold as the two of you hurtle towards the ground, praying your parachutes open and that this risky but rewarding gamble ends up on Instagram and not in the emergency ward — but the truth is there is only one absolute: that returning to the plane is not an option.
Once you take that momentous leap of faith, there is no going back. And it is this fundamental principle that makes unexpected bedfellows of the two very different extreme sports that are skydiving and, well, parenting.
For those who undertake the latter, with all of the exhaustion and vulnerability and unparalleled joy that comes with bringing a child into the world, this creates an iron-clad contract unlike no other.
Irrespective of whatever human error and tragedy may occur between a couple — be it betrayal, infidelity, or sheer indifference — there is no circumstance that transcends the commitment between a parent and child.
And when it takes two parents to create a child — as due to good old-fashioned biology it still almost always does — that same commitment forever bonds the people responsible for creating that very life.
In other words, no matter how furious you might be at your ex in the aftermath of a bitter breakup, that anger has to take a back seat to the needs of your children.
No exceptions. It’s simply how it has to be. That’s the brutal truth about parenting — once you jump out of the plane, there’s no looking back.
Fuming over your former husband’s new girlfriend? Seek solace with your girlfriends over as many glasses of wine as you see fit. Suspect your ex-wife is being a little greedy with her spousal maintenance demands? Take it up with your lawyer.
What you cannot do — no matter how furious you may be, deservedly or not — is drag your children into this mess.
Romances burn out. Relationships break down. Marriages fall apart. But parenting is forever — and the infinite nature of this most precious of unions demands that co-parents maintain a mutual respect, irrespective of the factors that lead to them going their separate ways.
Of course it’s easier said than done. But what part of parenting is easy? Certainly not the parts that require complete and utter selflessness.
Over the weekend, Karl Stefanovic responded to recent claims made by his ex wife, Cassandra Thorburn, in the wake of their split two years ago.
“Last year, I declared that Karl really was dead to me, a man I no longer know, but the children still have their father,” Thorburn told a magazine last week. “The flip-side of that is I feel like we’re dead to his family and almost anyone from our old life. There has been practically no contact. I feel like we’ve been discarded and disposed of, replaced by a whole new line-up of starters.”
Clearly stung by the public war of words, Stefanovic told The Sunday Telegraph: “I don’t want my silence, or the fact that my children aren’t visibly front and centre with me for everyone to see, to be misinterpreted as absence. That couldn’t be further from the truth. It just means I want to protect them from scrutiny as much as I can. I’m their dad and I’m not going anywhere.”
Only the two people inside a marriage will ever really know what led to its demise — anything else is merely speculation. But what’s not subjective is the long-term wellbeing of the children involved. And on this front the evidence is unequivocal: don’t let bitterness cloud your judgment. Put your kids’ needs first. And, however difficult it may be, suppress your desire to air your dirty laundry and instead imagine how your children will feel reading your comments about their father or mother 10 or 20 years from now.
Anger — even the of the most white-hot variety — eventually fades. Separated couples gradually move on. The embittered find peace. The aggrieved find new purpose. The restless find a new distraction. The lonely find new love.
But what remains unchanged is the connection between a parent and a child. That is an unbreakable and sacred bond — and must not be sullied by anyone, no matter how justified they feel in their pursuit of revenge.
Like it or not, the contract created by two people who decide to have a child together is one that must be honoured forever.
If you’re not up to that, then forgo parenthood and stick to skydiving instead. The worst that can happen when you jump out of a plane is that you hurtle to your death.
The consequences of bringing a child into the world with another human being are greater still.
Sarrah Le Marquand is the editor-in-chief of Stellar magazine and the founding editor of RendezView.