Please celebs, enough with the lovey-dovey divorce
EMMA and Lachy Wiggle are the latest showbiz pair to seemingly bypass the misery of divorce, by declaring their love for one another while also announcing they’ve split, writes Claire Harvey.
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I’M so glad Emma Watkins and Lachy Gillespie have found a way to more deeply express their adoration for one another: by getting divorced.
The Yellow and Purple Wiggles seem like lovely people. And only truly lovely people could possibly expect a global audience of billions to believe that the thing any divorcee most wants to do is spend the next five years singing Ooey Ooey Ooey Allergies with the ex.
Actually, the toddler component of the audience may believe it. The parents? Not buying. The spin, that is. We will continue to buy the bright yellow and purple merchandise, because our children will continue to demand it.
And that, surely, is the real reason why Emma and Lachy are choosing to consciously uncouple while remaining in-skivvy.
They can’t break up the band because a) Emma is responsible for 80 per cent of the Wiggles fan base and 95pc of merchandise sales, b) they are passionate performers for whom the Wiggles represents an incomparable opportunity and c) Wiggles Inc owns the rights to their mortal and metaphysical manifestations in perpetuity and they’ve just signed new five-year contracts.
It is weird, however, to see such an apparently down-to-earth and normal couple go along with a celebrity pro-forma divorce statement more suited to Gwyneth Paltrow.
“We have embraced this as a very positive change in our relationship,” Emma and Lachy wrote. “Our incredible friendship has been strengthened throughout (our trial separation) … first and foremost we love and adore performing as Emma and Lachy in The Wiggles and having the privilege of celebrating this happiness with extraordinary families around the world.”
This, apparently, is how famous people break up now: by lovingly deciding they cannot live under the same roof for one millisecond longer.
Like Hollywood stars Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan, who said in April: “Love is a beautiful adventure that is taking us on different paths for now. (We are) just two best friends realising it’s time to take some space and help each other live the most joyous, fulfilled lives as possible.”
It was eerily similar to the February 2018 statement by superstar Jennifer Aniston and actor/writer Justin Theroux, who declared: “We are two best friends who have decided to part ways as a couple, but look forward to continuing our cherished friendship.”
Aniston has had some practice in pretending that getting divorced — that horrifically painful expression of pure misery — is something less humiliating. Back in 2005, when Aniston was dumped by Brad Pitt, they said: “We happily remain committed and caring friends with great love and admiration for one another.”
Pitt, of course, had just left Aniston for Angelina Jolie, with whom he went on to adopt 84 children. When they eventually married then broke up after two years, Jolie was, at least, refreshingly forthright: “Angelina Jolie Pitt has filed for dissolution of the marriage,” her 2017 statement read. “This decision was made for the health of the family.” Translation: You’ve spilled bong-water on my Persian rug for the last time, pal.
Kudos to Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay musician Chris Martin for starting this trend in 2014: “While we love each other very much we will remain separate … In many ways we are closer than we have ever been … as we consciously uncouple and co-parent.”
Everything seemed so sweet in June 2016 when singer Taylor Swift and DJ Calvin Harris tweeted: “What remains is a huge amount of love and respect.” That gave way to brutal breakup songs and a Twitter rampage in which Harris accused Swift of victimising him “just like Katy”, in reference to Swift’s epic feud with Katy Perry, the American superstar singer once married to British comedian Russell Brand.
When Brand dumped Perry by SMS in 2012, he put out a statement saying: “Sadly, Katy and I are ending our marriage. I’ll always adore her and I know we’ll remain friends.”
Perry later revealed Brand never contacted her again.
But no matter, because she got together with British actor Orlando Bloom, who later announced their own breakup in 2017 with the frankly confusing: “We can confirm Orlando and Katy are taking respectful, loving space at this time.”
Maybe Perry is right when she says breakups don’t have to suck. “HOW BOUT A NEW WAY OF THINKING FOR 2017!?” she tweeted last year. “U can still b friends & love ur former partners! No one’s a victim or a villain, get a life y’all!”
Anyway, reports now have it Perry and Bloom are back together and happier than ever.
Maybe there’s hope for Emma and Lachy too. I hope so.