The sad parenting reality even A-listers can’t control
No matter how cool you are — you can literally be Madonna or Gwyneth Paltrow — your kids will think you’re a dork. There may just be one exception, writes Kerry Parnell.
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It is parenting law that your teenager will find you embarrassing. Even if you are an A-lister, your offspring will think you an A-something else.
Gwyneth Paltrow learnt it this week when her 14-year-old daughter Apple went all sour on her on social media.
The actor posted a cute photo on Instagram of the pair on a ski lift. Notably not smiling, Apple’s face was mostly covered by her ski goggles, while her barefaced and radiant mum looked like she was in her 20s. Not that that was a motivating factor in posting the picture, I am certain.
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Apple was not amused and ticked off her mother, commenting, “Mom, we have discussed this. You may not post anything without my consent.”
“You can’t even see your face!” replied Gwyneth, who left the photo live anyway, for her 5.3 million followers. That will help.
Apple conversely, keeps her Instagram private.
It’s a little different to the picture Gwyneth posted of the pair on National Daughters’ Day last September, where she wrote: “It’s like I conjured you from a dream, you make my life.”
Now it seems less dream and more nightmare; despite Gwyneth’s increasing world-domination with wellness juggernaut Goop — the brand is currently turning into a TV show — all that spiritual cleansing coinage doesn’t seem to be impressing Apple.
Perhaps it was her mum’s vaginal steaming and yoni eggs that cracked her — imagine explaining that at school.
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It’s a story Madonna knows well; a few months after she posted a cringe-worthy video of her then 14-year-old son Rocco doing a backflip in his undies and captioned it #nosausage, he decamped to live with his dad Guy Ritchie in London and a custody battle ensued.
No matter how cool you are — you can literally be Madonna or Gwyneth — your kids will think you’re a dork. And that’s that.
I have all this to come as my daughters are still too young, but I am not worrying as I know I’m a dork; there are no surprises there. In the meantime, I’m turning them into Kidfluencers and cashing in on my happy snaps.
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If it works for North West — who just scored her first Women’s Wear Daily cover aged five because as mum Kim Kardashian says: “She loves fashion and beauty and has so much fun doing this” — then what could possibly go wrong?
(Disclaimer: this is a joke).
So how do you do social media parenting that is more Happy Family Beckham and less a Goopy mess? Why is it Clan David and Victoria always seem delighted to be snapped hugging and kissing their famous parents — Brooklyn even made a career as a photographer out of it — while other kids are mortified to be seen anywhere near their oldies.
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Obviously, the answer is down to the individual teen and for parents to understand that Instagram is not their private photo album and their kids are not a brand, even if they have actually trademarked them.
Because for every North West, who will no doubt grow up to be a billionaire in her own reality bubble, there’s an Apple, who bites back.
So stew on that Gwyneth, because I bet she’ll never crumble.
Kerry Parnell is a columnist for The Sunday Telegraph.