Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull and John Hewson are misery masters

Two former prime ministers and one failed prime ministerial candidate are Australia’s best bets for gold, silver and bronze in the 2032 Olympics, writes Tim Blair.

One of the best things about Brisbane’s successful 2032 Olympics bid, apart from it possibly sending Brisbane broke, is that Games organisers will be allowed to nominate a demonstration sport.

In Tokyo, for example, multiple demonstration sports – including karate, skateboarding, sport climbing, surfing and absolutely roasting Queensland Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk at press conferences – are in the mix.

So what should be the main demonstration sport in Brisbane?

Organisers might be tempted to select a discipline that reflects the host state. Dwarf-tossing, perhaps, although that particular pastime has fallen out of favour since its brief mid-80s heyday.

“Angry protesters at a Queensland nightclub tried to disrupt Australia‘s first dwarf-throwing contest,” United Press International reported in 1985, “but a participating midget said it was a ’”un thing” to get chucked around by the club’s bouncers.”

For the record, “participating midget” Robbie Randell was hurled 2.8m in bouncer Paul Kelly’s winning throw.

The three misery ghosts who could all podium in Brisbane 2032, Kevin Rudd, Malcolm Turnbull and John Hewson

Far better for Brisbane that the demonstration sport be one more broadly reflective of Australia rather than Queensland.

I invite our Olympic organisers to consider the competitive endeavour of miserable ghosting.

There is an obvious patriotic intent behind this request. We in Australia are blessed with three of the finest miserable ghosts ever to grace the global stage, and so would be almost guaranteed of filling every podium place in 2032.

They’re all potential gold medallists on their day, but on form John Hewson would likely finish third.

The former Liberal leader and 1993 election loser has distinguished himself after quitting politics by writing basically the same two columns for various Fairfax/Nine newspapers.

Readers were kept in a weekly state of anxious suspense wondering if Hewson would either criticise the Liberal Party or demand swifter action on climate change.

Sometimes, just to keep the punters on their toes, he’d do both in the same column.

But don’t write him off for a higher placing. Hewson has plenty of spare time for training now that he’s been fired by Nine for being a man.

As Sydney Morning Herald editor Lisa Davies explained to her now former contributor: “We are committed to refreshing and diversifying our rotation of columnists, especially in line with our pledge for 50/50 gender balance.”

Given that he’d previously called for female workplace quotas, Hewson didn’t have much grounds for complaint. But he complained anyway. It’s what miserable ghosts do.

Malcolm Turnbull actually coined the phrase “miserable ghosts”.

Speaking three years ago in New York, the former prime minister told his audience: “When you stop being prime minister, that’s it. There is no way I’d be hanging around like embittered Kevin Rudd or Tony Abbott.

“Seriously, these people are like, sort of miserable, miserable ghosts.”

Turnbull’s since become the very figure he described: a Rudd-level spectral whiner.

It would probably do Rudd well to find some worthwhile outlet for his anger and sadness. Picture: Gary Ramage

Abbott, and Julia Gillard for that matter, have long since moved on. Turnbull by contrast has gone so far backwards his commentary is now almost indistinguishable from that of his former Labor rival, who once hissed at him in parliament: “Resign, Malcolm. Just resign.”

Rudd and Turnbull have even appeared together on the ABC as a miserable ghost double act. This oddball two-man support group looks after each other off-air, too.

When Rudd drew mockery for his attempted intervention in Australia’s vaccination program, Turnbull was right there on Twitter defending his misery mate.

“Thank you Kevin Rudd for speaking to the Chairman of Pfizer to secure an earlier delivery of vaccines,” Turnbull wrote. But it soon emerged Rudd had nothing at all to do with any vaccine deliveries, early or not.

Turnbull basically applauded Rudd for doing nothing. These two have become more loyal to each other than they ever were to many of their former party colleagues.

Olympic ghosting, however, is a singles event. There can only be one champion.

Kevin Rudd must be the favourite in Brisbane, provided he maintains the form he’s shown since quitting federal politics in 2013. He’s coming up to a full decade of constant complaint.

Last week he was at it again, sending a letter to The Daily Telegraph after I’d mentioned in an online piece Mark Latham’s exposure of Rudd leaking to the press.

“Mark Latham’s fantasy about me allegedly leaking polling to the media during his leadership of the Labor Party says more about his paranoid state of mind than anything else,” Rudd wrote.

Notably, his letter contained no outright denial of any leaking.

It would probably do Rudd well to find some worthwhile outlet for his anger and sadness. Against that, a happy person is never going to win a gold medal for self-torment.

Maybe he could take up handball again. Remember when Rudd declared himself to be the “global handball king” and issued challenges on Facebook?

“Any of you guys who are looking for a handball championship game, I’m available. Let my office know through direct message,” Rudd declared in 2019. “Be very good and get ready to die.”

Save it for 2032, Kevin. Handball is already an Olympic sport. Brisbane’s Games organisers might add a seniors tournament just for you.