Single in Sydney: Nine ways to deal with being single (when you don’t want to be)

AFTER vowing to ditch dates for a while, Sarah was contacted by an expert who offers women tips on how to cope with being single — when they really want to meet a man.

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• Single in Sydney: Was dating better in the noughties?

JOURNALIST Sarah Swain has been single (but dating) for longer than she cares to remember. That’s because it’s tough out there, as any single will tell you, so to bring hope to others across the city, she’s sharing her no-holds-barred adventures on the Sydney single scene every week.

Nine ways to deal with being single (when you don’t want to be)

As you know, recently I’ve been feeling more deflated than the Aussie Olympic basketball team about dating — and I’m still on my man ban.

But, after my last column, clinical psychologist Gemma Cribb, from Sydney’s eastern suburbs got in touch.

She works with a lot of women suffering from depression and anxiety in relation to their single status. She started a blog on it — called singlettes.com. A singlet, she reckons, is “a group of gorgeous girls who, for one reason or another, can’t find an appropriate life partner. These ladies often wonder what is wrong with them, struggle with feelings of loneliness, rejection and lack of belonging, and worry about missing out.”

I can totally identify and, luckily, Gemma offered some tips for coping, whether you’re dating or on a husband-hunt hiatus.

1. It’s not forever (surely!)

“One of the most important things about being single is to see it as temporary and, therefore, to keep hopeful. No one knows what the future holds so you may as well imagine a positive outcome as a negative one.” she said.

2. Get out and about

This isn’t one I have a problem with (I’m now booking events, courses, Meet Ups and other activities into November) but Gemma said many singles don’t.

“One of the first barriers is people who are not dating criticising themselves for being still single. You have to be going out on dates to maintain hope that you will find someone.” she said.

I was at the Fifties Fair at the weekend and, forget a man, I’d be happy with this car.

3. Listen to your heart

Read all those dating books such as The Rules? Ditch them said Gemma, and “act with integrity and authenticity.”

“There is no point putting on a ‘good show’ and pretending to be someone you are not,” she said.

“He’s going to end up with the real you in the end so you may as well show him who that is.

4. Forget his man-bits

Think of a man you meet on a date as a friend. Not a person with a penis, Gemma advised.

“Most people are good at interacting with friends and choosing friends who are similar to them,” she said. “Put that hat on. Go out as if you are going to meet new friends.” she told me. “Also, when on the date, put yourself in the interviewer role, not the interviewee. Remember you are seeing if he fits for you, just as much as he is doing the same.”

5. Listen to your mates — then ignore them

One of my good friends told me “all the guys our age, if they’re still single now they’re probably just okay with it and aren’t interested.”

I thought about it all weekend.

But Gemma said to ignore all these statements, along with other old favourites including “you’re too picky”, “there’s no good guys out there” and “all the best men are taken”.

She said: “These are unhelpful over-generalisations and simply not true. You’re not taken, so clearly there ARE some good single people left.”

At the Fifties Fair at Rose Seidler House last weekend. Picture: Phil Rodgers

Psychologist Gemma Cribb got in touch with some tips.

6. Are you anxious?

Sometimes, Gemma said, women are not just eager to hear from a man they’ve been on a date with because they want to see him again, they’re actually suffering from anxiety and should look for help, such as from a GP or psychologist like herself.

“You might reach out to ease your anxiety,” she said. “It’s reasonably common and it can reflect self esteem issues.”

7. Rest your Thumb

Ten minutes a day on your journey home on tinder is enough — don’t be tempted to be on it constantly,” Gemma told me.

And a good way to filter is to imagine if the guy looks like they’d fit in with you and your social groups, she advised.

And girls should always reach out first, she reckons. It’s a way of figuring out if he’s serious or just playing games.

Gemma then advises chatting over three topics of conversation before suggesting meeting. Don’t do what one some of mates do and chat for months without ever meeting. MONTHS!

8. Second Date Decisions

Confused about whether you want to see him again or not? Even if you don’t feel he’s the one, are you curious to find out more? If you don’t feel more curious than Alice in Wonderland, don’t bother, said Gemma. And don’t expect love at first sight either, she advised.

9. Rejection

Instead of taking it personally, think of three other reasons he might not be interested in a relationship.

“Everybody is looking for someone who fits with them, if he rejects you it may just be that he worked out you are not similar enough before you did,” said Gemma.

“If he rejects you after the first date then you also have to think about his real interest in a relationship, maybe he too is being unrealistic and looking for ‘love at first sight’, or isn’t really interested in developing anything serious,” she said. “Maybe he wants a handbag girlfriend and you’re too intelligent.”

Details: equilibriumpsychology.com.au