Opinion: Here’s why women aren’t getting married, having kids in their 20s

Women who didn’t marry and have kids in their 20s are often blamed for prioritising brunch and their careers – but what if it’s actually the state of the dating market instead?

Say it with me: brunch is not the problem.

Last weekend a woman wrote an opinion piece in The Times saying she had tried and failed to have a child through IVF in her 40s.

As you might expect, this immediately drew out all the very cool, fun and smart people who said “she should have been doing this in her 20s instead of chasing her career or going to brunch”.

Sorry, but have you met men in their 20s?

Have you met men in their 30s, for that matter?

The problem with finding a man in your 20s has exceedingly little to do with brunch and a lot to do with: well, what’s on the market.

Generic photo of a woman having fun, which is allowed, actually.

At this point I offer the mandatory disclaimer for all writing by women about men: if you don’t have commitment issues or act like a goose to women then good job!

You’ve succeeded in masculinity and this opinion is therefore not about you. Please don’t tell me it’s not all men, we already know.

But I tire of observers saying women aren’t getting married and having children in their 20s because they’re not trying hard enough or they’re too busy with other things instead of acknowledging just how bleak it is out there.

Here’s why women are really not marrying and having children in their 20s.

1. Men need to grow up

When I was on a camping trip in my early 20s, a man also in his early 20s asked me to put Vegemite on his toast because he didn’t know how to do it correctly. I think I’ve said enough.

2. Frontal lobe is undercooked

Your frontal lobe is the largest part of your brain and it is responsible for executive functions such as future planning, judgment and decision-making. It isn’t fully formed until you’re 25! You are not at your most capable of making wise decisions until you’re 25 and above so I feel like not making life-altering choices about marriage and children before then is really not that unreasonable.

3. Men are so weird about commitment

Recently a man well into his 30s told me he refuses to put the “long term relationship” tag on his dating app profiles because that is “too full on”. Well, that’s fine, but women who see a man in his mid-30s tagging his profile with “seeking short term relationship” are probably not going to feel motivated to procreate with him so I don’t think that one is on us.

Sweetheart, I love you, but you need to learn how to make your own toast.

4. Men need to grow up (still)

When I was in my mid-20s a grown man with a full time job messaged our group chat to ask how to microwave leftover spaghetti bolognese. Before you ask – this is not a man who has grown up in deprivation where he may validly need to ask this question because no-one ever taught him. This is a garden variety middle class man who did not know how to use a microwave because someone else in the household always did it for him (guess who). If you are seriously suggesting women should marry and procreate in their 20s so they can also mother their grown-up husbands you are not a serious person and you should take a good hard look at yourself.

5. Have you dated men in their 20s?

A friend of mine once dated a man in his late 20s who said – on their first date – “you are setting a bad example to your younger siblings by still being single at this age”. He was also single? At “this age”? And had younger siblings? Sir?

6. Have you dated men in their 30s?

Once a woman I know was dating a man in his early 30s who had said on the first date that he was really committed to getting to know her and spending time with her and then on the second date he got really high on mushrooms and said he couldn’t decide which new motorbike he wanted to buy let alone make a lifelong commitment to someone (it was the second date, she wasn’t asking).

Too long, didn’t read: leave women alone.

7. We do not like being treated as chattel for breeding

Recently someone I know went on a few dates with a man and on their fourth (and final, as you may ultimately understand) date he said “you need to have as many babies as you possibly can because it is selfish to other people who can’t have babies if you don’t”. And folks, I don’t even know where to start unpacking that one but once again I feel like that is not on women.

8. They are listening to the worst most garbage dirtball gutter advice on the internet which makes them absolutely and utterly undateable

Men, there is a simple key to making women want to date you and it’s this: figure out what they want and if you can’t, ask. If your goals and desires and compatible then you are good to go. Instead men are asking other men on the internet with questionable YouTube channels and criminal charges how to date women and they are getting advice like “treat her like dirt” “control her” “she wants you to be the boss of her” “be just the worst and most misogynistic pig on the planet” “make her feel disposable” and thinking that will work. Guess what? No. No it does not. Women do not want that. If you continue to listen to the advice of really weird and gross men on the internet about what women want which is, in effect, “be absolutely disgusting to her”, do not be surprised when that does not work and blame women for not being married in their 20s and 30s. The dating market is infected with men who are listening to awful, terrible men about how to date women instead of listening to women about how to date women (better yet, listening to the individual woman about how she wants to be dated) and guess what? Women don’t have to. Instead women will simply go to brunch. Because it is better to be a woman at brunch with other women instead of mothering a grown man, being victim to his daily whims about whether he is ready to commit or not, being treated as breeding stock, or being controlled, bullied and mistreated by a man who in all seriousness just needs to log. off.

So! If you’re one of those incredibly tedious people blaming women for not marrying and having children in their 20s and 30s, I hope this has helped you wake up to yourself.

Also: did you know that the Venn diagram of married people criticising single people for living their lives, and married people who intensely resent single people and regret the decisions they made before their frontal lobe was fully formed is a circle? Something to think about.