Tim Blair: It’s so good to be ancient

Ageing has its downsides, sure, but consider the abundance of advantages – and consider also that old-timers enjoyed life during the best times in Australian history, writes Tim Blair.

Getting old? Me too. A lot about it is negative, what with the aches and the pains and the reduced ­mobility and the looming hospitalisation.

But please take a moment or two to celebrate all the blessings of being ancient.

Some of us are experiencing these blessings right now. Others – like me, at 57 – can look forward to them in rapidly-approaching years.

The stuff youngsters call “classic rock”? We called it “new releases”. If you think it’s fun listening to Rolling Stones hits for the 500,000th time, you should have been there the first time they blasted out of the radio.

We learned how to drive manual cars, and many of us still own them – which is helpful, because youthful automatic-era thieves can’t work out how to steal them. As well, we experienced an era when anyone with a few tools and a basic awareness of machinery was able to repair a car at home.

The stuff youngsters call “classic rock”? We called it “new releases”.

Us oldsters are liberated from the tyranny of following clothing fashions. In fact, most people are just relieved we remember to wear pants.

We’ve lived through wars, nuclear arms races and terrorist attacks – so please forgive us if we’re not too fussed by the prospect of slightly warmer weather in 100 years.

The threat of social media controversy doesn’t worry us. We’re not on social media. And, if we are, we quickly forget our passwords.

We are still able to remember – on our good days – excellent programs on the ABC.

We don’t take naps because we’re depressed, concerned about the situation in Ukraine or suffering from “long Covid”, whatever the hell that is. We take naps because we’ve earned them, damn it.

We bought entire houses for what younger folk pay for kitchen renovations. And for what younger folk pay for entire houses, we could’ve bought whole streets.

If we forget something – such as, for example, speeding fines, someone’s new pronouns, pants or paying for an elaborate three-course restaurant meal before “mistakenly” wandering out of a side entrance, we can just point to the ol’ noggin and sadly mumble: “You know how it is.”

This also works if you forget how many ministries you’ve got or that Shaquille O’Neal isn’t Aboriginal.

We learned how to drive manual cars, and many of us still own them.

We get to attend regular catch-ups with friends and family, all of whom are formally dressed and impeccably behaved. These events are called “funerals”.

The internet means we can make complete busybody nuisances of ourselves without even having to attend council meetings.

My, this is becoming quite the things-were-better-in-my-day column, isn’t it? Maybe that’s because things genuinely were better, universally and by any measure.

Examples abound:

Jokes were permitted. They were even encouraged. And people only got angry if the jokes weren’t funny.

The Labor and Liberal parties were very different. You could tell this just by looking at their respective policies.

Stereo speakers sounded much deeper and richer than stupid ear buds.

Every year would deliver at least one or two decent movies. Sometimes there’d be lots of them.

Cigarette packets didn’t look like death porn and buying smokes didn’t require the sale of a Picasso.

Celebrities were household names instead of being people made insta-famous by appearing on reality shows building houses.

Norman Gunston aka Garry McDonald. Picture: Photo File

Children didn’t dictate global climate policies. In fact, nobody did. It was almost as if we understood, back in the day, that humans had no significant influence over the weather.

The worst ice was a just a bad cologne. With hilariously cheesy ads.

Sport and politics were not the same thing. When footballers took a knee, it was generally to the groin.

The Archibald Prize for portraiture was usually won by an impressive work by someone with talent.

Cancel culture was something you did to stop newspaper deliveries when you were away on holiday. Now it’s something media does to you.

We used to answer the phone with “hello”. Now we sign off, involuntarily, with: “Hello? Hello? Hello?”

You wore masks when robbing banks, not to legally enter them.

Climate change meant seasons, rather than we’re all going to die.

Communism was something we aimed to defeat. Now it’s an aim.

We quarantined the infectious or endangered and allowed healthy people to do whatever they wanted.

There were only two genders. For that matter, there are still only two genders.

Your pronouns weren’t a personal decision.

Electric cars were something that an elderly grandmother or aunt might have driven in the early 20th Century. For example, three Detroit Electrics were imported to Sydney in 1914 by rich lawyers for their wives.

The Royal Automobile Club of WA reports that the old-school EVs “didn’t come cheap. In 1914, the average price of the Detroit EV was US$3730 – around six times the average annual wage at that time”. So some things never change.

There were so many newspapers and magazines for sale that whole shops existed just for that purpose. Those same shops now mostly sell lottery tickets.

I suppose in various ways certain circumstances may have improved. Arguably. Maybe I’ll one day write about them – once there are enough positive examples to fill a column.