These school holidays, don’t even try to be the mother of invention

Let’s be honest, it’s always a shock when you have to spend extensive time in your offspring’s company. Here’s what I’ve learnt about school holidays, writes Kerry Parnell.

Any pricey day out you plan is likely destined to be a disaster of one sort or another. Picture: iStock

Here’s the secret to surviving the school holidays without losing your mind and your bank balance: don’t have kids.

Let’s be honest, it’s always a shock when you have to spend extensive time in your offspring’s company.

Who knew that was part of the job when you decided to become a parent?

If only I had been a mum in the 1970s and ’80s, when it was still the norm to open the front door and wave goodbye to your littlies for the entire day.

“Cheerio”, Mum and Dad would smile, as you peddled off on your bike to do innocent unsupervised activities like jump in fast-flowing rivers and play on train tracks.

After all, nothing went wrong in those days, did it? Apart from ... all the times it did.

But I’m nothing if not helpful, so if my above pointer comes a little late for you, then – after extensive research in the field – here are some further tactics for all mums and dads trying to juggle work, life and kids at home during the school holidays.

Don’t attempt an expensive family treat

It is Family Law that if you book a pricey day out at a theme park, theatre or novelty train ride, thinking it will be the perfect treat, it will pour with rain, someone will get food poisoning, one of the party will pee themselves and there will be a fight in the car.

And that’s just the adults.

My advice? Stay safe, stay home.

Remember, it’ll be funny in the future

If you experience any of the above, then remind yourself that, perversely, we never remember perfect times but, instead, all the “eventful” occasions; i.e. the ones that go horribly wrong.

So, if things do go arse up over the school holidays, at least you are making memories, even if they are the kind you’d rather forget.

Like the posh hotel afternoon tea I splashed out on for all of us, only for one child to scoff it so fast we spent the next hour in the toilets.

Unforgettable.

Rescue the day with cake

Always build in cake to any activity – long walk, ending at a café, school-shoe shopping, ending in a café, work from home, with a side-trip to a café – it rescues every occasion.

Warning: Approach with caution. See above.

Visit the grandparents

Even if they don’t invite you. Surprise!

Have a staycation

A mum of older children once gave me the golden advice of not bothering to go on long holidays when your kids are very young, explaining: “It’s just childcare in a less convenient location.”

She was right.

But what I find fun is to book a hotel and have a staycation for a night, acting the tourist at home.

Comfy beds, swim in the pool, hotel breakfast and best of all, no cooking.

Sometimes I even take my kids with me.

Give your kids away

For a playdate. Calm down.

N.B: From what I understand, you have to fetch them back.