The List: From bad coffee to texting: Modern day pet peeves of a ‘cranky’ Aussie

Now that I’ve hit the quintessential cranky middle-aged Aussie male milestone, I’ve embraced expressing opinions on everything from masking-up against bad body odour to dishes in the sink, backward caps and bad coffee, writes David Elliott.

The List: Modern day pet peeves of ‘cranky’ middle-aged Aussie male.

Last month I turned 55, which means I am now zenith middle aged cranky Aussie male. It’s a liberating feeling knowing I can fully express my opinions on any subject and have offending remarks forgiven because of my clear ignorance of what constitutes modern-day social norms.

Despite this, it hasn’t stopped me from making a list of things that my fellow crankies find most annoying:

Surveys

What is it about modern commerce that everyone wants to know if we had a “memorable experience” five minutes after we’ve just paid the bill?

If I didn’t enjoy the occasion one of two things will happen. I’ll either send you a full and frank email of observations or I simply won’t come back again.

But please, stop with the endless requests to spend an hour of my time reflecting on everything from the colour of your toilet paper to whether the bread rolls were warm enough. Leave me alone!

Deodorant

Fellas, we need to talk. I’m getting fed up with getting on the Metro and having to put on a face mask because you refuse to spray on a bit of Rexona. It’s just bloody rude.

No wonder there is no wedding ring on your finger; women probably sniff your approach from the moment you leave the house.

Once you’ve managed body odour, I’ll introduce you to the appeal of Old Spice. We’ll have you hooked up with a nice young lady in no time at all.

Dishes left in the sink

How hard is it? Right next to the sink, at both work and home, management have provided you with a wonderful device called a dishwasher.

It’s a simple concept. In the event you exercise your democratic right not to manually wash the plate you have just used, how about you simply place it in the cabinet which, like the sink, is within easy reach.

I’m not even expecting you to turn it on. We are happy to take care of everything from then.

Hats on inside

Hey bruh, you might think you look cool wearing that hat back-to-front but take it from me, you look stupid.

Yes, there are blokes who for religious and cultural reasons must wear headdress indoors but unless you go by a title like chief rabbi, I’m calling it out. Men who wear hats in theatres, churches and hospitality venues are proof positive that you can’t put brains in statues.

Litter

Come on people, we literally fight federal elections on who has the better plan to maintain our natural environment but we still have selfish boofheads who can’t be bothered carrying an empty can of coke until they pass a garbage bin.

Short changing

If you ever want evidence that financial literacy is a lost skill, just sit in front of a young person today and give them a fiver to pay for your $4.25 cappuccino.

No wonder so many retailers want you to use EFTPOS, it saves them a stress claim from little Johnny who had to use his non-existent arithmetic skills twice this week.

Not standing up for the elderly or pregnant

Don’t be shy. Next time an elderly or pregnant lady gets on the bus and some snotty nosed kid refuses to look up and realise that it would be a nice gesture to offer said lady their seat, feel free to call it out.

Unfortunately, the chances are the offending kid was never told that in a civilised society we offer these niceties to our betters so, maybe make the point a learning experience for the youngster.

Then, if they refuse your polite request to stand up, take a photo of them and plaster it all over social media like you were at a Coldplay concert. Make sure you don’t block the comments.

Bad coffee

Life is too short. Seriously it is.

Having a lot of Mediterranean friends in our social network made me think that I had unrealistic expectations when it comes to coffee but a trip to Europe last year made me realise that, nope, Australians just have a much lower tolerance for bad coffee. Everywhere else it’s crap.

Texting from the other room

The worst offenders are, pretty much everyone.

Whether I’m at home or work it appears that being in my company is so unappealing that you must send me a text from 3m away.

Last week I left my mobile on the breakfast bar when I was mowing and Lady Elliott texted me from the kitchen asking if I wanted a glass of water. You can’t make this stuff up.