Zoe Marshall reveals details of abusive relationship before marriage to Benji

Speaking the unspeakable is what she does but now Zoe Marshall wants the world to hear about her pain of past domestic violence — and how her husband Benji helped heal her.

There were times when Zoe Marshall didn’t think she’d make it through another day. Today’s vision of the happy, smiling, mother of two is worlds apart from the woman she once was.

Trapped in a physically, emotionally, sexually and ­financially abusive relationship, she was suicidal. She had nothing. Her partner at the time had taken everything from her – and there were ­moments where she thought she couldn’t go on.

“When I was at rock bottom, I had almost died in a car accident after leaving my ex’s house, and I was sitting in a hospital bed in a brace and he was mocking me about having nobody at my bedside apart from him,” she says.

“I remember that being this turning point of – ‘He’s gonna kill you. You’re going to kill him’.

“Death was probably better … we got so close to him killing me.

“I had nothing. No possessions, no friends, no family … but we had a dog.

“That dog kept me going when I wanted to kill myself because I knew I had to feed her … she was my lifeline.

“He said I would be nothing without him. But I am everything because I’m not with him.”

Zoe and Benji Marshall give an insight in their private life. Picture: Tim Hunter

Today, she and her husband — former footy player Benji Marshall — have it all. A loving relationship that was built on healing, two healthy children and a new chapter in a new house. But it’s taken the Hunters Hill couple years of therapy together to recover from the trauma and tragedy of their past lives.

When they first met, not only was she reeling from her horror relationship, but he was grieving the loss of his ­father. Together they healed, creating a relationship strong enough to weather the public scrutiny their lives attract.

“We saved each other,” she tells Insider.

“We’ve seen our therapist for 12 years together because we both knew how valuable it was and we had hangups, we had trauma that we needed to heal together, or we were going to let all the toxic shit in.

“So this isn’t a fairy tale. This is hard work and dedication to working through everything.”

As people, they couldn’t be more different. Benji is fiercely private and media-shy. Zoe on the other hand, often delves into ‘the unspeakable’ on her popular podcast The Deep, and is about to reveal even more of their personal lives when her new subscription offering, The Deeper, is released on Thursday.

The first episode details her domestic violence experience for the first time.

The still raw reality of someone who controlled every aspect of her life. Someone who threw her against brick walls, cracking her skull. Someone who threw her phone over the Harbour Bridge. Made her quit her job. Alienated her from friends and family. Someone who sexually abused her. Pulled out chunks of her hair, threw plates at her head. Who choked her, and threatened to kill her.

Zoe Marshall reveals the horrors of her abusive relationship. Picture: Tim Hunter

She was with him for four years before she left.

“I would rather have died than tell someone what was happening to me,” she ­explains.

“Once we got pulled over by the cops for a breath test and I remember thinking – there’s a policeman, you can tell the police – you could go, this is it, you could do it.

“And then he got back in the car and said ‘I just f**king love you so much, let’s go home’.

“And it starts all over again.

“There came a point where I wrote a pros and cons list which had like three pros and a thousand cons, and seeing it on paper was very powerful.

“I had to ask if I wanted this for myself forever? Will it be worse out there, or in here?

“I thought to myself, this story is going to be really sad — or you’re going to make shift.

“And I remember that feeling of, this is gonna be really hard and uncomfortable.

“It’s more comfortable to stay with him. It’s really odd and uncomfortable to move back in with your parents, to have no money, have no skills, have to start fresh with no resume.

“But I did all of the things to start healing.

“I got a therapist from the government, who have a sliding scale through the mental health plan and then I saved up to do this really cathartic healing workshop that was seven days in the Hunter Valley.

“I was so desperate to not be in pain anymore, because the pain was eating me up.

“When I left I got freedom and a very broken sense of self back, but it was me. I was back.”

Benji and Zoe Marshall when their daughter Ever was born. Picture: Instagram

Benji and Zoe Marshall with their kids Fox and Ever in 2021. Picture: Chris Hyde/Getty

Zoe’s desire for truth telling and passion for sharing stores is something that used to divide she and Benji. But over time, he’s learned to trust his wife’s reason for being so open – and that is to help others ­enduring the same pain get through it. And that’s something too important not to share, he says.

“We are complete opposites; she is so open and so honest and so raw, and I think that’s why she connects with a lot of people, because she’s not ashamed to show all her flaws or be honest about anything that people usually wouldn’t talk about,” Benji says.

“And I reckon that resonates with a lot of people.

“I used to be really private and want to know everything she would share, whereas now I sort of just trust her, and I understand why she’s sharing things.

“When I started understanding the influence and the impact that has on other women or other people, I knew that was more important than me not wanting people to know things about us.”

Delving into The Deeper is testament to that trust, and a natural evolution of the podcast that has attracted 2.56 million listeners and counting.

Benji is a private person while Zoe is more open. Picture: Tim Hunter

Zoe Marshall: “We saved each other. Picture: Tim Hunter

“Everyone was wondering a lot about me, my traumas, the things that I been through that I’ve hinted at throughout the last two years, but haven’t spoken about,” Zoe says.

“It’s a chance for me to share parts of myself, my marriage, my relationships, my healing … there’s a lot of Benji in there and we had to sit down and have quite uncomfortable conversations about whether he was okay with that content.

“Naturally he is just a more private person than I am, but he has started to see through the years that The Deep has been out there and the huge impact it has had on people’s lives and change the way they see the world.

“It’s shifting marriages, and it’s shifting conversations.

“And by watching things unfold, he’s seeing now that this is a really purposeful way of being of service to the community; he doesn’t see it as ‘she’s always just talking about our sex life’, he’s like Zoe is sharing things that are vulnerable to allow other people to be honest with themselves.

“This is something really serious and I’m giving a lot of access to what I call my ‘little black book’, so to specialists and healers and therapists that I have personally used for 20 years, they’re the people that I trust with my life.”

Access to ‘the sealed’ ­section of The Deep will cost subscribers $4.99 a month, ‘less than her sticky chai tea’, and while the free version is still available, The Deeper will be exclusive to Apple and from May 19, have ‘all the juicy bits’ listeners have been craving.

While she loves her work, life with two small children is busy. Four-year-old Fox is actually Benjamin Fox, the third Benjamin in the family, and Ever, almost 11 months, is named in memory of Zoe’s mother Jan who passed away — for ‘ever’ in their hearts.

Zoe says she and Benji work hard to make their marriage work. Picture: Tim Hunter

They’ve just moved house and while boxes are gone, settling in takes time. Zoe has caught a cold from the kids and knows she does too much, but like all working parents, asks how do you do less?

“Benj sat me down yesterday and was like, ‘What are you doing? Why do you keep doing this to yourself?’ I just do too much,” she admits.

“It’s probably a trauma ­response … I have to make my own money to make myself feel safe.

“I have to be the best, most present parent so I’ve structured all my work around my children’s nap times and around their school times, I’m at the dinner table at 5pm and I can’t talk on the phone, and then I pick up my work after I have laid in bed with my son and he’s fallen asleep.

“Then I get back on the emails and I keep going.

“It’s definitely not sustainable; I mean, I burn out all the time. It’s just I haven’t worked out how to do it another way.

“Parenting never, ever stops and Benji is definitely my guiding light, the calm in the storm.”

They sleep, albeit very well, in different bedrooms, which she finds amusing that people are so intrigued by the admission.

“I find it very strange that people find it fascinating,” she laughs.

“When we first moved in together it started out as a snoring thing and us both feeling resentful of not sleeping well, and then we just did something that really worked for us.

“And we’ve never been those people that care what people think, so it’s very ­normal to us.”

Zoe and Benji Marshall with their children Fox and Ever. Picture: Instagram

Benji is happier now than he ever has been. He loves their day-to-day juggling, cooking all their meals, stepping up for school drop-off and is as great with the vacuum as he is kicking the footy with Fox.

“My biggest dream was always to become a dad, it was more than playing rugby league or doing anything like that,” he says.

“The biggest thing I wanted to do was be a parent and after becoming a dad, to a boy and a girl, everything I’ve done in my career is nothing compared to being a dad.

“We’re very lucky. We have healthy children, touch wood, but at the same time, we have each other and we rely on each other.

“And that’s why I guess we’ve survived, because it is a genuine partnership.

“For me, even with the back end of my career, I wouldn’t have been able to do what I did or finish my career the way I did without Zoe’s support.

“I could have definitely gone down a different path, but she’s just the rock of the family and she keeps things very solid.

“I’m so proud of her, for all the things she’s doing and having meaning behind it. She impacts people’s lives, this is a proud husband ­moment.”

She says he grounds her. And she’s proud too.

“My life now, it’s wild to think about,” she says.

“People may say ‘she’s just lucky she married a football’ or whatever. But it’s not like that.

“I’m still making money on my own, and this was always something that I need to do for myself.

“Benji is just the most ­incredible person – football or not football – he is the love of my life. He is my safe place, my support.

“He’s my hero.”

Anyone needing help should call 24-hour national sexual assault, family and domestic violence counselling line 1800RESPECT, or Lifeline on 13 11 14.