Lily Dowling’s mum speaks out to help others after daughter’s suicide

She was just 13 years old but in September last year, Lily Dowling took her own life. Just before her shocking suicide, the teen wrote farewell letters to her best friends and left them in their school lockers.

Lily Dowling was a gorgeous 13-year-old with a love for Harry Potter books and the world at her feet but in the pre-dawn light of September 3 she took her own life.

Her death is part of a wider trend of youth suicide that is affecting young girls in particular.

Haunted by missed opportunities to help her daughter, her mother Emma Heely is speaking out in the hope she can save another child’s life and stop another parent’s heartache.

“She was the kindest, most caring girl who was always looking out for others. She attracted really beautiful people and had a lot of friends,” she said.

“She was always so loved. She was so heavily into Harry Potter and Lynette Noni books that take you into a fantasy world.

“If I can just prevent this happening to another mother and child.”

Lily Dowling, from Bangalow, was academically gifted. She suicided, aged 13 on September 3, 2020. Picture: Supplied by family

With hindsight, the signs were there. Lily had even written a poem about her death some nine months before and posted it on Instagram. Her mother found the poem the day after her death at Lennox Head on the far north coast.

“No one brought it to my attention. When it was given to me, the day after she died, it was so clear, but if I had been given that poem, I would have dragged her into see a counsellor,” Ms Heely said.

The grade 8 student from Bangalow in the Byron Shire lived in a healthy environment, surrounded by beaches, green rolling hills and fresh air but, as she turned 13, the happy-go-lucky girl her mum knew and loved withdrew. Her mother knew it was more than teenage angst.

Lily with her mum Emma Heely and sister Olive. Picture: Supplied by family

“In August 2019, and December, I noticed she went into a completely dark place, she wasn’t communicating, wasn’t making eye contact,” she said.

“I knew something was really, really wrong but she would just close up and not talk to me.

“I suggested she see the school counsellor, I encouraged her you know, I get therapy and it is good to have someone to talk to, but she refused.

“The guilt I have is so huge. The would-haves, could-haves, should-haves.

“I wanted to give her privacy, so I didn’t have access to her social media but I found out later she had eight accounts.”

Youth suicide rates have continued to grow steadily over the past 10 years according to data from the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare. The highest rate is in the 18-24 age group, which has jumped 49 per cent from 10.8 per 100,000 to 16.1 per 100,000.

The under 14 suicide rate has grown from 0.5 per 100,000 population in 2010 to 0.6 in 2019, a 19 per cent increase.

“Two of Lily’s friends were suicidal and she talked them out of it, children counselling children,” Ms Heely said.

“But when she did it she made sure she didn’t tell anyone and left a letter for all her best mates in their school lockers.”

Professor Ian Hickie from the Sydney University’s Brain and Mind Centre said the trend was international but particularly affecting young girls.

“It is affecting younger groups and women in particular, so it is not only deaths by suicide but serious self-harms and suicide attempts,” he said.

“It is a particular phenomenon of the past 10 years, but has accelerated in the last five years.”

Lily Dowling’s family are devastated over her death. Picture: Supplied by family

Lily was farewelled by friends and family last year. Picture: Supplied by family

Lily had posted on Instagram three months before her death that she was asexual, or had no sexual attraction and Prof Hickie is concerned that the sexualisation of young people is impacting on children who feel the need to determine their identity long before they are ready.

“Being forced to make statements about gender, your sexuality, your physical appearance, the fierce preoccupation with identity I think lies at the root cause,” he said.

“It is tied up with social disconnection — you should have a group identity at that age.

“It is amplified by the Instagram age to create an identity that doesn’t really exist and the sexualisation of that.

“We force teenagers to prematurely adopt adult identities at an age when they can’t. They don’t have the emotional or cognitive ability to achieve that.”

The Sunday Telegraph is calling on the state government to increase the number of school counsellors in NSW to one for every 500 students — a number that the government agreed to in principle in 2018 but never delivered. The current ratio is about one to 750.

Prof Hickie said more investment was needed in health services safety nets to catch younger kids.

“Young women are the first turned away from emergency departments and treated as not serious,” he said.